{another milestone} 1 year ago he met Jesus

It’s been a year.    Can you believe it?    A whole year.    365 days.    {sigh}

So much has changed since March 9th 2011. This is the date I consider Jaxton’s Heavenly Birthday. This was the day one year ago he got to meet the Lord, his creator, the alpha and omega… The one who formed him and knew him before he was born.  WOW!

I can still eerily remember most all the events of that day. I can most clearly remember thinking let’s do it at 7:35pm and not a minute later. I wondered why would we put off seeing a miracle that I thought God had in store for us. I remember Bruce pulling the tube out and instantly he started turning gray, looking bad and I knew this was not going to end in my favor. I remember keeping my fingers on his heart and feeling his pulse get slower and slower and even more faint. We told him how much we loved him and that he was perfect… I remember the last number the doctor said was 40 then the next time she checked she gently said “I’m so sorry. Time of death 8:05”. Even after time of death was announced I cried out to God “you can still do this! save him!” I remember this is the first time I had EVER seen Josh cry or have since. I remember realizing how beautiful he was because I could FINALLY see his face after all the tape was taken off. I held him and swayed with him. I layed with him on the bed. I took all the pictures and videos I needed to because I knew this was going to be my last chance and I didn’t want to forget any part of him. Then as I felt his skin turn cold, his face with loss of color and the limpness of his body I KNEW AND ACCEPTED HE WAS GONE. I kissed him over and over and cried and wrapped him up in his bed. As Josh and I were leaving it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t continue walking out of his room. Josh knew exactly what was wrong and said ” I think she is having a hard time thinking we are just going to leave him there by himself.” Then Wendy his nurse offered to hold him and personally take care of him. I’m so thankful that she offered to do that so that we could leave guilt free knowing he was taken care of and in good hands. I remember shaking and trembling in the elevator ride down.

As the pieces of life crumbled around me it took a while to pick them up. Josh was my strength, my support and picked up all the slack where I had just let things go.

Life is different now and sometimes I wonder what chaos my house would be like if he were here. I wonder what his cry would have sounded like. How would Jake handle everything… It just makes you wonder.

So many friendships had formed from all the circumstances like with my good friend whom I love so much  Aimee Loeser who lost Charlotte Jean just before I lost Jaxton and was/is a HUGE support for me. I pray whole heartedly she will be pregnant soon. And our dear friends Jen & Andy Kaler who lost Leah Faith are now living just minutes away from us and are a huge part of Mercy Road. My friend Kari Bundy who lost her son Mason to SIDS and had a service for him the day before Jaxton’s burial. She has done wonderful work in Indy for families called Mason’s Cause. Melba and Shawn Reidy who lost Avary to Trisomy 9. Karie Wong who lost Valerie to Trisomy 13. Trent & Krissi Spangler who used Jaxton’s NICU room for 101 days while Gabriel fought for his life at 26 weeks. Marsha Patick who was my mentor through it all who lost Sawyer years ago before being blessed by her son Sterling. Erin Buente who lost her son Christian to Potters Syndrome. Shari & Wendy, Dr. Star and Dr. Edwards and all his NICU friends including Bruce his RT. Jet Kaiser for filming his precious moments and Jessie Johnston for photographing everything from maternity to birth to days after. Amy Nell for letting us see him over and over in the 3D/4D… and so many more….

Thank you all for the support you have given our family this last year. Thank you for caring enough to share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us. 

So our next chapter in life is praying for this baby girl who will join our family in June.

Much Love, from our family to yours!

How i remember it…

One year ago today, I was told my baby boy was going to die.

This is how the story begins.

September 29th at 9:30 am we were at the 3D/4D ultrasound when we saw a mysterious growth on my baby’s tummy. The technician said she hadn’t ever seen anything like it and I should call my doctor. For some reason I gave it some thought but not a whole lot – call me naïve. I made an appointment with a doctor the next morning and I looked up what I could on google (not finding much about “mass/cyst on stomach”). Josh on the other hand spent the day into night researching and calling his Dr. friends to get answers.

The next morning, Sept 30, 2010, we got up and made our way to the car. While driving he said, “hey Lis, I just want you to know what the doctor says might not be good news. He may even say Jaxton has Downs syndrome and I want you to be prepared for that.” I nodded my head with out saying a word at first. For a while I’m stuck in my head. Thoughts racing around slowly and quickly at the same time. I had not thought about Downs or anything serious. It was a quiet car ride.

We arrive to the doctors office and have an ultrasound technician check the baby for quite some time. Most women would say it felt like eternity and that the nurse would not say anything to them about the circumstance. I remember it differently. I intently was looking at the monitor along with her. I was conversational saying “see, there… that’s what we saw on the 3D/4D ultrasound.” She couldn’t give me any specifics, but she did tell me she felt for me and reassured me that Our God is a good God.

The next thing I remember was sitting in the cold stark examination room. Nothing fancy just the stirrup bed that I was sitting on the edge of and 2 chairs. Josh was sitting on my left just far enough behind me that I’d have to turn to see him. The doctor was in front of us sitting in the other chair. Not an overly friendly or comforting person to say the least. White coat. Salt & Pepper hair. Glasses. Then his words started to come. “Sometimes there are times when a woman carries a baby and while all the cells are forming something just does not go right. With your baby we see some markers that suggest a chromosome disorder. I’m sure you’ve heard of Downs syndrome which is Trisomy 21. With the all issues your baby has I think we can rule out Downs syndrome. It looks to me like either Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. Both of these are incompatible with life.” (paraphrased)

To say I sat quiet and perplexed would be an understatement. {What? There is something worse than Downs? My baby is going to DIE?!?!} I turn and look at Josh and reach for his hand.

I was feeling warm and heavy inside trying my best to hold in my fountain of tears. The amount of my confusion and shock was somewhat keeping them from dripping, but with one good blink I was a sobbing mess. I used my sweater to wipe my eyes and my running nose.

Then it continued… “With a baby that is incompatible with life we don’t know when it is going to die. Most pass before birth but I’m not telling you to expect that you have that long. It could be today or a week from now or months. There’s just no telling. There are options for families in your case. (Abortion) If the baby does survive he will be severely handicapped with out the ability to sit up, breath, eat or communicate on his own for as long as he lives. You have another son, right? Take into consideration what the quality of his life will be if you are taking care of this one all day long.”

I stopped him abruptly and said, “Abortion is not an option. God gave us this baby and we will NOT end his life.”

The next thing I remember is exiting the office and walking down the corridor with my face in Josh’s chest crying. We get on the elevator to see a mother with her teenage boy who obviously had Downs syndrome. I try to pull myself together and give him the sweetest smile I could muster up. I immediately start thinking about telling him that his mom thinks the world of him and that he is very special and loved, but i don’t. He starts asking, “mom why is she crying?” (Over and over and over) I think I said, “I’m ok.” just to ease his concern. {or at least I did in my mind.}

Just moments ago we were told Jaxton was inevitably going to die. Now here is this sweet, innocent Downs boy that I wished I could have. I think about Jaxton {I would have committed my life to taking care and loving him. That option was off the table and now I couldn’t choose it even if I wanted to.}

We get in the car and I let no holds barred with the crying. My life was irrevocably forever changed. So many questions, so much confusion, my world was spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do but weep from the depths of my soul til it physically caused me pain.

My thoughts about God you ask???  My honest and truthful answer is… I wondered if I was being punished for all the bad things I had done in my past! I was mentally crucifying myself for causing this outcome on Jaxton’s life. (obviously, if you have read my blog at all I pretty quickly changed my tune on that.) It was a bad day to say the least.

As for my dear hubby: Josh put the family first and cancelled a speaking obligation in Nebraska and took a few days off to be with the family. What a loving guy i’ve got.

So that was my day 1 year ago today.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Jaxton,

I have learned: If we take the distraction of our fantasy out of the way we can see God’s plan so much clearer. I came to terms with your life and what it has meant and now I can see God’s plan and blessings so vividly.

I would not trade all the tears, all the sleepless nights, all my aching bones.

I would not trade my empty arms, the empty nursery or my empty heart.

I would not trade the hours lost, the smiles gone, or the memories missed.

I would not trade anything to have not had the opportunity to have you.

… But, oh what I would give to hold you again.

You are dearly missed son!

Mommy

// Jaxton’s Video

Thank You to Jet Kaiser Films for this video!

What more could I ask for than memories captured and a platform to tell about my son Jaxton’s amazingly abundant life?

Jet Kaiser took on the task of documenting our families story with Jaxton’s life.  And what a task it was. Jet, who normally does weddings and artsy videos, is know in the Indianapolis area as the “Rising Star” and “Bride’s Choice” 2 years in a row. He stretch his comfort zone and tackled the Delivery Zone  🙂 … So I’d like to be the first to welcome Jet into the “Welcome Baby – Delivery” section of videography! It was his first delivery EVER!!! (I wonder if this experience will push back any plans of having kids- I hope not because they would make the CUTEST kids ever!)

We have a tremendous amount of love, respect,and admiration for Jet and his beautiful wife Danielle. This couple is wonderful to their core!

I have not written since Jaxton passed on March 9th for a few reasons, but I do plan on writing again on the 4 month anniversary of His birthday in heaven – July 9th. It also happens to be the same day as my 30th birthday.

Thank you all who loved our family so very much and stayed informed through out our journey. I apologize for the absence. Please know when I write it’s purely from my heart and I don’t want to rush through.

Once again a *HUGE Thank You* to Jet & Dani Kaiser!

… and a special thanks to you for still caring!

Josh spoke at moment church about Jaxton’s life.

Much Love,

Lisa Husmann

Heaven is for Real

I just read the book Heaven is for Real. it took me a couple hours but i could not put it down!

I’m currently obsessed with where Jaxton is and what he felt when he left, who was the first person he saw, what will he look like, will he know me…

This book was amazing!!! (in my opinion) The first chapters felt useless at the time, like come on … get to the good stuff. But i stuck with it and i’m glad i did!

For some reason I have 2 out of body images in my mind of where I feel like Jaxton saw us from while he watched us love him into his transition into heaven. I have looked through all our photos and we have about a thousand (honestly between our friend Jessica, my camera, grandma’s cameras and the hospitals pictures) and none of them have these two particular angles looking down on Josh and I as we where holding him. I found one that was close but just not the right degree so i know I’m not just recalling a photo. I feel like I know what Jaxton saw as his last moments and that is so comforting to me.

Imagine a better dying scenario for our son to be in than in his mother’s arms and his daddy and mommy kissing him, hugging him, telling him over and over “we love you so much”, as we read Psalms 139:13 to him and tell him how perfect he is and how he is going to see Jesus and we can’t wait to see him again!

I can’t think of a better transition into heaven than that!

 

DTR // {redefining the relationship}

Since Jaxton passed away I have had to re-define my relationship with God. I’ll be the first to admit that I have had an easy life. I’ve always been loved, provided for and protected. God and I have always had a pretty good relationship because it has always been going my way or benefiting me in some way. Subsequently it was easy to love him. When we got the prognosis that Jaxton would die I spent then next few months grieving, I cried, I hurt as deeply as you could imagine. Then I remembered my favored relationship I had with God and then I thought this isn’t really going to happen to me. Somehow it’s wrong or God will heal him and it will all work out fine (just like it always has). I was looking back at all the times God had loved, provided and protected me in the past and thought this was going to be another time like that. Somehow he really wasn’t going to die. We kept waiting for each prenatal or ultrasound appointment to bring good news, but it never came. We always left sadder and more distraught then when we got there, but still thinking the God I KNOW isn’t going to do this TO ME. When Jaxton was born he never took his first breath and had to immediately be intubated. What felt like just minutes after I finally saw him in the NICU I was being asked questions about what I wanted to do as far as “comfort care”? Josh and I had no plans to just let our little boy slip away with out a fight. So we chose a “heroic care” type plan. But still I was confidently thinking, “God is going to come through. It will all work out fine. He’s gonna live!” We did start getting positive news about the VSD, the Coarctation and him breathing on his own, I proudly thought, “God, I knew you would come through for me!” Even as his heart stopped beating I acknowledged his power and ability to do miracles and gave him all the glory and said “You can still do this! You can save him!” But now Jaxton is gone. The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me has forced me to re-examine and redefine my relationship with him. In doing so I realized something about myself that not only applied to God but other relationships: If I personally didn’t benefit from a situation was I still going to do it? Was I in love with God only because of the perks I was getting? Was I going to continue to give him my whole heart like I so often claimed I had done if I personally wasn’t getting something from it? If more bad things keep happening, then will I jump ship? This is a hard pill to swallow when you realize something like this about yourself. What are my motives on a daily basis? Unfortunately, usually they are selfish motives. What does it mean to deny yourself daily and pick up your cross? To me it means that I need to be sold out on God and expanding his Kingdom here on earth and for eternity whether it benefits me or not (but especially if it doesn’t). I started to read a book my friend Cami gave me called Holding On To Hope. She writes about the book of Job. I realized I could relate to Job on a very small scale. I could relate to feeling privileged by God and having a beneficial type relationship. Job had many things going for him and God provided for him is so many ways. Yet God allows Satan to take away all his children and livestock and servants. Then Job says something wise… (I’ll paraphrase) “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” So in regards to Jaxton… I’m still devastated, hurt, very sad and a different person than I was before he entered my life. I promised the Lord that I would wholly surrender to him… and that meant to give Jaxton over to him as well. But I couldn’t give him over with a hard heart it had to be genuine. Although my heart wasn’t 100% genuine (as if any mother’s heart would be) I had an understanding that Jaxton’s purpose on earth was fulfilled and I was at peace with that. Today I buried my son. It was the last time I was ever going to see his little white casket. I still could not believe he was not with us any more. That he was here and now he’s gone. This made it all so final.

The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me… is still the same God. It’s just different now. It’s a different love. A deeper love. A comforting love. //  It’s a different way of providing. Providing friends and family to watch Jake. Providing support. Providing physically and emotionally. Providing a beautiful baby for me to love for 14 days. Providing peace that he is in heaven. //  A different Protection. Protecting my heart. Protecting my relationships. Protecting my wholeness. It’s all just so different. I could go on and on about how God provided for us during this time, But I’ll leave it short and just say HE DID! and still does even today. That’s why this next part is so hard to admit to. YES I have a strong faith in God. I have grown to love him and all I’d be lying if I said everything was back to normal. My heart has been a bit hardened when it comes to praying, but especially for healing: Unfortunately, I am in a stage where I tend to roll my eyes when someone asks for a prayer for healing. Hoping they get a good outcome but wondering “Why bother to pray for it, God’s gonna do what ever he wants anyway.” It saddens me that I feel this way, but my wounds are fresh from being vulnerable and getting hurt. I put my whole heart into believing God could and would heal Jaxton. It might take time to trust in the powers that God has and not be hurt or jealous when I hear of a baby who is healed. I’m being honest and I know it’s hard to hear. It’s hard to say. It’s hard to admit. It’s embarrassing. I’m on a new journey trying to understand the God I very much LOVE and TRUST. I look forward to what I learn about him and for him to show me a new side of his love for me. I am still getting used to this new relationship. The comfortable and cocky relationship I was used to for 29 years is gone. Thinking “everything will work out” and “it will be fine” is long gone… Maybe that’s good though. Comfort leads to complacency and what good is just being comfortable? World changers aren’t complacent they are uncomfortable. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me in the future!  🙂   So once again I will quote Job, “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” I have already seen the way I have changed as a person, the way the world has changed because of my son. It was bad for me and my family to loose him but good for the world that he was here. I look forward to seeing him again and that makes me smile. I am thankful for God letting us know that it won’t end at just the 14 days but I’ll get to spend eternity with Jaxton and Jesus!!! What a wonderful thought!

{Dear Lisa} – from Nurse Wendy

Dear Lisa,

I have thought about you, Josh, Jake, and Jaxton so much over the past two weeks, and continue to wonder how I was so blessed to be able to be there with you all when Jaxton was born, get to know you all and spend time with you while caring for Jaxton and be present with you and your family when sweet Jaxton took his last breath.  I have spent a great deal of time grieving your loss over the past few weeks, and wishing, I too, could make sense of why all of this happened.  I still really don’t have an answer, as I know, neither do you.  God has a plan, and it is not our job to understand “why”, but to trust in him that he knows exactly what he is doing.

There are so many moments I will always remember about the 2 week journey I was blessed to take with you and your family.  If you do not mind, I would like to tell you about a few of those moments. I was going to post this in response to your latest blog post, but thought I would send it to you privately, and if you wanted to share it with others,  you could.

Meeting Jaxton, you, Josh, and sleepy little Jake on that first long and very scary night. I realized from the first moments I met you, that there was something very special about your family, and the entire situation that was transpiring in front of me over the first 12 hours I was there that night. I didn’t know how or why it was special at the time, but just had a feeling that something I had never experienced before was about to take place.   I told you that normally admission’s were not always on my list of “favorite things” for my job, but I was asked when I walked thru the door that night if I would take an admission, and I immediately said “yes”… not just “yes”, but  “yes” with no hesitation at all.  I found that unusual at the time, but don’t now, in retrospect.  I learned later from you that your c-section was scheduled for 4 that afternoon, but you had eaten a piece of toast, which delayed your C-section until 7.  I came on shift at 7, and Jaxton was born at 7:35pm. Because you ate that toast, I was able to celebrate Jaxton’s birth”days” with him and your family every night I worked, at exactly 7:35 pm.  Something I would have missed, had you had your c-section at 4 as originally planned. 🙂

I remember talking to you that first night about how perfect Jaxton was, and talking to Josh about how beautiful his hands were.  I always loved his little, wrinkly hands.  He needed to grow into his skin a bit 😉

I remember giving him his first binky, and being there when you, Josh, and your family saw him suck on it for the first time.  Him opening his eyes, and looking around.  I know he was saying, “Why have you been holding out on me for so long?” LOL.  He definitely loved getting your milk on his binky and then sucking on it.

I remember sitting with you and Grandma watching a sweet video about another family who had lost a baby to Trisomy 13, and praying that the same fate would not fall on you and your family.  I remember reading your entire blog at four in the morning during my shift three days after I had been blessed to meet you all, and remembering how my heart shifted from a “medical” way of looking at things, to a nurse who while trying to keep my heart from breaking, also found meaning behind my faith and my own life, and wanting nothing more then to make every moment for you and your family the most meaningful memorable moments you could have.

I remember you asking me, “What would you do, if this was your baby lying in this bed?” as we stood around Jaxton’s bed one night at midnight looking at him. To this day, (the tears well up in my eyes the same as they did at that moment).  I remember that I couldn’t answer you, because in my heart of hearts, I knew that I didn’t have an answer for you. I remember that question changed me and my view point completely as a nurse not just for Jaxton, but for every family I will ever take care of from that moment forward.  I cannot begin to judge or criticize, or think I know what the right answer should be, when I have never walked the road that a mother walks with their sick baby.  I believe that I have always been empathizing with my families, but always preferred to look at things from an entirely medical perspective, and you and Jaxton changed me. You showed me how important it was to remember the medical of course, since I am a nurse, but to hold onto the “True Heart” of each patient, family, and the moments that I have with them. I cared for Jaxton, and you all differently from that moment forward.  I wanted nothing more for Jaxton to be completely healed as all of you did, but wanted to also make sure that every moment you had with him when I was watching over your family was as special and memorable as it could be, allowing you to get to know Jaxton in every way possible; memorizing his face, and his sweet smell, learning what he liked and didn’t like, and how he looked around when his eyes were open as if he was taking it all in, (even at his newborn age, he was so curious).  I hoped that you would feel as though you got to know Jaxton so well, despite the short time he was with you here on earth.

I remember Gracie and I buying Jaxton his cookie monster cupcake for his one week birthday, and then learning you had bought Jake a Cookie Monster doll downstairs in the gift shop that same day and wondering what was the probability that that was a coincidence.

I remember crying as I sat in my car after coming to see you one morning with my own baby, and hearing that Jaxton’s second breathing test had not gone well. I remember my baby seeing the tears in your eyes and then repeatedly asking to hug you as if she knew why you were crying.

I remember being with you at some very scary moments, and also being present at some very fun times as well. I remember watching you, Grandma, Josh, and Josh’s sister as well as Jake and your brother-in-law through the room window laughing and enjoying each other’s company, and feeling my heart swell because I was so happy that you were able to make Jaxton’s room home for you all while you were here with Jaxton and how wonderfully supportive your family and friends were.

I will always remember our talks, our late night laughs about Jaxton’s “nose bugers”, and how proud his big brother would be at his poops. 😉

I will always remember Jaxton being YOUR “Best Boy”.  You called him that so tenderly from the very first moment I saw you with him. I always thought that was the perfect name for him, and every time you called him that, I felt my heart swell up a little bit more, and I could feel the tears start flooding my eyes.  He was your “Best Boy”.  He knew it, and I know he always felt that too.  I think if he could have spoke to you, he would have called you and Josh “Best mommy” and “Best daddy” too.

I will always remember the last 24 hours and 30 minutes I had with you all and Jaxton. As I said, I feel so blessed to have been the nurse there for you in the beginning, the last moments in which we said goodbye to him, and so many of theprecious moments in between.  I remember Josh reading his passage to him as you were holding his sweet body so closelyskin to skin, kissing his lips (something you were unable to do because of the ventilator tube since he was born), Psalm 139:13.    I will always remember as I sat next to you and Josh, crying with you, how incredibly perfect that scripture was. As if it had been written specifically and lovingly for Jaxton (as well as all that knew him).  I remember my own faith being renewed as Josh read those words, and feeling so incredibly grateful for being able to share those all too short weeks with you and your entire family, and especially with Jaxton.

I will always remember Room 1, as “Jaxton’s Room”. I still walk past that room and think his name banner should be hanging there, and find myself sad that it isn’t.

More then anything else, I will remember Jaxton and your family as being the baby and family, after so many years of nursing, that truly changed my viewpoint and the way in which I was a nurse for other families going thru similar situations as yours.  He showed me how truly important nursing with my “Heart First” could be to not just my patient and their family, but to me as well.  Jaxton, you and your family touched my life in such a profound way; I do not know how to adequately express it in words.  I do hope that this letter will at least give a glimpse to your mommy and daddy, as well as anyone else who reads it, just how amazing you and your entire family are to me. I will never forget any of you, and your message will always remain in my heart;  for you changed the way in which I view life, my faith, nursing, and the way in which I am a mommy to my own baby.  No moment will be too busy, too hectic, or too rushed to not take time to truly “be” in the moment with Grace. To take in every breath, laugh, tear, hug, kiss, and sigh as if it was the most important, and to love those moments, and never take one of them for granted.  You and your family have changed me for the better, and for that I feel so blessed.

Jaxton,

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous–and how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me,* O God! They are innumerable! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up in the morning, you are still with me.” Psalm 139:13

Lisa, sending much love to you all.  Know that I am thinking of you so often during this difficult time.

~ Rest in Peace sweet Jaxton ~

Love, Wendy

My friend Wendy,

We prayed for YOU and all of Jaxton’s nurses and doctors since we knew he would one day meet you all. What an answer to prayer you have been to Jaxton and our whole entire family. You have been there for the most special and most difficult times in our whole entire life. It was not a mistake that I ate that 1/2 piece of toast and that you said “Yes!” to admitting Jaxton! You were the answer to the prayers we were specifically praying. Although we did not get the MAJOR miracle we had been so hoping for, God certainly provided for us.  Not only did he add Jaxton to our family, but YOU, Gracie and Shari have been added as well. For as much as you LOVED our son we love you for loving him! You have said so many times that Jaxton & our family had affected your life, but for some reason I didn’t really believe you until now. You have equally affected our life. The nurture and care you provided for us was unconditional. Even when we asked the same question 100 times you still had patience with us. You cared about what our concerns were. You checked in on us and visited us on your days off. Although you didn’t know exactly what to say when I asked you what you would do, you knew how to talk from a mothers heart. You tenderly helped us come to decisions about Jaxton’s last moments. You lovingly anticipated my needs and held my son as I walked away for the last time and that is a memory I will never forget and I’m so thankful. Thank you for letting me know he was in good hands or else I never would have been able to leave.

We love you so much!

Lisa, Josh, Jake, Jaxton & our whole family!

Josh Husmann – {my amazing husband}

It’s time for me to brag about my hubby Josh!

What a crazy ride we have been on together  this year! Moving to Indiana from California, starting Mercy Road, at least 3 trips to the emergency room, 1 Leukemia scare with Jake, everything we have endured with Jaxton and now the joys of potty training!

I can easily say that watching Josh through all we have been through has made me fall more in love with him. As you look at the pictures above the love that he has for Jaxton is so obvious. It’s not masked or covered, hidden or quieted. It’s a love that is profound, emotional & proud. He loves Jaxton and Jake with his whole heart and was not shy about showing it. In our 4 years of marriage I had never seen a tear fall from Josh’s eyes. Not because he isn’t emotional or that he is hard hearted, but simply because he takes stock in what to cry over. I have learned to understand this about Josh. The night Jaxton passed away I saw my husband cash in on that stock and cry tears of sorrow for the first time. I know the depth of love and pain that were colliding within him at that very moment and that has brought us closer together. I can lean on my husband, cry to him, talk to him, just simply being with him makes life seems better. He is the most amazing man I have ever met.

Josh is a man who is passionate about bringing people to a closer relationship to God. Since learning the extreme complexities of life through Jaxton’s chromosomes, it has made us value life and relationships in a different way. I have seen how Josh wants them to love their maker & creator in a whole new way. His passion has been renewed by our experience in knowing we will in fact see Jaxton in heaven one day. The promise of heaven and living for eternity with Jesus is more tangible in a way that wasn’t as clear before. I love his love for our Lord!

Josh is an amazing dad to Jake. He knows how to play and laugh with him like only a daddy could do. He is nurturing with  Jake and helps him grow in his journey with God. He initiates prayers and reads bible stories to him. I LOVE seeing them love each other!

When it came time to make tough decisions about Jaxton, he did not let the Doctor push him around. I respect him fighting for our son’s life the best he could! Even the doctors would admit that we put up a good fight for him and did EVERYTHING we could to save him. We admit that it was far beyond “comfort care” and well into “heroic care” because we saw Jaxton as a part of our family and was not going to just let him go with out digging our heals into the ground a bit!

I love the husband and father Josh is and I admire and respect him more everyday.

20,160 minutes without Jaxton

Dear God,

I have been so emotional lately and I know you understand. I think about my baby Jaxton all the time. When I wake up, through out the day, before I sleep and during my dreams. I hope and trust YOU know what your doing. I know in the deepest part of my heart you answered my prayers. You orchestrated Jaxton’s delivery to be here in Indianapolis surrounded by family. You planned it to be on February 23rd a whole week before his due date. You scheduled our nurses and doctors to be the perfect ones for us. You ALLOWED me the honor to meet Jaxton, rock him, kiss him, hold him, hug him, sing to him, read to him, talk to him, see his eyes, watch him breathe, feel his heart beat, change his diaper, bathe him, dress him, read scriptures to him and love him the best we could. YOU GAVE US ALL THOSE MOMENTS TOGETHER. Thank you for each moment of my pregnancy I had with him and the additional 14 days and 30 minutes he was alive. Each moment and each breath (even though it was supplied by the ventilator) was given by you. Psalm 139:16 “All the days ordained for (Jaxton) were written in your book before one of them came to be.” There are things you planned that blessed us and we still might not even know it. I’m so moved by his life and I thank you once again for letting me be his mommy.

I admit to being frustrated and disappointed with you right now. I think I’ve even told you to leave me alone on more than one occasion so far. I am heartbroken for Aimee, for April, for Marsha, for Kari and for Andrea and all my friends who know the pain of loosing a child. I’m saddened and sickened. I know the answers to all of my questions – it’s just not necessarily the answer that helps me heal right now. Knowing you are in control and your ways are better then our ways will be helpful someday, but today I’d like tangible answers please.

My heart is surrendered to you, but I am especially broken. I am hurting for my friend Aimee who’s life seems like one sad thing after another and now she has to endure the cruelness of going to the baby shower she was supposed to co-share next week for her baby girl. She sadly lost her baby over 2 months ago to Turners syndrome. Oh and to top it off in an ever sadder way – the baby shower is for a baby girl. (cue the tears) What kind of lesson is she supposed to learn from this? Isn’t the heartbreak of mourning enough to endure right now? I love Aimee’s questions on her blog about what it will be like to see Charlotte and Jaxton again.  (I know that she will have a perfect body, but will she be a baby? will we all be the same age in heaven?) I have such a heavy heart for Kari who found her baby Mason had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away in the middle of the night. At 5 months old his life was cut short the same week as Jaxton’s. Matter of fact we used the same funeral home. I am burdened for her loss and am at a loss for words.

I am going to start reading a few books that might help me through my new journey of understanding & healing. I Will Hold You in Heaven and Heaven is For Real.

Breath of Heaven (Mary’s Song)

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong
Help me be.
Help me.

If you REALLY want to know how I am doing it is a toss up from minute to minute. I can celebrate fully Jaxton’s impact on this world and how incredibly special he was. His life had meaning and value far beyond my comprehension. On the flip side, there are times when I open the bible to read and come across a “Healing” story (specifically Matthew 8 & 9) and I burst into tears wondering “why not Jaxton?” It’s a constant see-saw. It’s only been 2 weeks though. I’ll be ok. i know time will heal and i’ll never forget.  I am confident in knowing that God will hold me up through these trenches. It won’t be easy, but i’ll get through it. Even though my heart is broken it’s still beating.

So as Jaxton, Charlotte, Mason, Sawyer and so many other precious babies play. Us mommies will stay here waiting to be re-united with you one day. We will keep your memory alive in our hearts and think of you daily while we are apart. Have fun little ones laughing and playing, singing songs, dreaming and joyfully swaying. In the sunshine I imagine you to be. Swaddled so tightly being rocked by thee.

Funeral {my glimpse of heaven is gone}

You can read Josh’s words on burying his son here.

 

My Dearest Jaxton,

You had all odds against you and yet you kept fighting. We knew the chance of you surviving was slim but we happily chose to carry you and love you the best that we could for as long as we could. We want you to know you were not a mistake. Your daddy and I prayed to have you and we are so glad we did.

But in the end one single extra chromosome took you away from us.

My heart is so heavy right now as I am missing you so much.  I miss holding your hands, stroking your cheeks, smelling your skin, kissing your nose, forehead, toes and frankly every part of you. I miss whispering into your little ears, reading you books, singing You Are My Sunshine and watching you feed. I miss staring over you just waiting for you to wake up so I could see your beautiful eyes.  I hope you know how much you mean to us! We had someone with you every moment of every day. You were never alone. You were loved every second of every minute!

As daddy and I were obsessing over numbers going up or down and as we celebrating over every small improvement we fell more and more in love with you. But now that you are gone I’m happy to know you are free from the constant beeping of machines, suctioning through the tubes, needles, the smell of hand sanitizer, and the relentless hum of the ventilator. As much as you loved sleeping on your left side and leg massages I’m sure heaven is a better place to be. A place with no omphaloceles, holopracencephaly, Trisomy 18 and no diaper changes which we know you will love!

I now know for certain I was carrying an ANGEL for 9 months. I shared your journey with the world and even before you were born you had an effect on hearts around the world. Literally, we had men and women from almost every state in the U.S. but even as far as: Afghanistan, Hollland, Egypt, Switzerland, Sweden, Costa Rica and South America just to name a few let us know how your life has effected them. I know you are an angel because who could touch so many lives with such a short amount of time. God had a special plan for you. I know that for 14 days I loved and cared for a beautiful Angel. I kissed an angel here on earth. I could have kissed you a thousand more times and it still wouldn’t be enough. As my fingertips felt your heart beating for the last time it all just happened so soon and suddenly my glimpse of heaven was gone.

I ache for you to be back with us and I could have bathed you in all the tears I have cried over you. My heart will never be complete with out you, my son, my angel, my sweetest Jaxton. You are the most special thing that has ever happened to me and I am so proud of you. I couldn’t be any prouder than to know how many peoples lives you brought closer to Jesus and I know that because of your life that number will continue to grow.  I don’t have the words to express how much I’ll miss you, but know that I desperately look forward to seeing you again.

I had the joy and privilege of being your mommy. Thank you for the best 14 days of my life.

We had over 80 people there some of which were his Nurses, Doctors, new friends, strangers and family. We know a lot of you drove hours upon hours to be there. Thank you all for celebrating the life of our son. It means the world to know Jaxton meant something special to you. It was a beautiful day that we were able to celebrate Jaxton’s life. But in true Jaxton fashion it had a twist! As we went to place his casket in the ground the cement vault was 1/3 full of water. I wasn’t about to put my baby in there Moses style and wanted the water out. Because the ground was so wet they needed to put him in a temporary place until the ground dried. So now we get to say good bye twice. It actually made me smile that we’d get to do this again and this wasn’t the last time I’d get to hug his casket.

It’s weird how life moves on even when you don’t want it to. Why isn’t everyone crying? Why is the earth still rotating? Why is the sun still shining? Why? So here I am looking at his last pictures over and over touching the screen just to try to get those moments back. I’m smelling his blankets, hat, arm band and anything that has a trace of his scent. How privileged I am to be able to have those memories with him. How fortunate I am to have been chosen to carry such a special baby.

Jaxton Oliver Mark Husmann {rest in peace my best boy}

I am truly heartbroken and at a loss for words. My heart is certainly aching like never before. Our precious Jaxton is now with Jesus. I don’t have a lot to say as I am still processing my son no longer being here with us.

We’d like every one to know how appreciative we are to have had the prayers and fasting for Jaxton’s healing.

The funeral will be held this Saturday, March 12th at 11am. The visitation will be at 10am at Randall and Roberts in Fishers / 12010 Allisonville Road, Fishers, IN 46038

We know Jaxton has touched a lot of peoples lives and the visitation and funeral are open to all who would like to attend.

14 days!

Family of 4.

Last bath.

Josh praying for Jaxton.

Scrapbook pages made by Grandma’s, nurses Wendy & Shari and friend Shana.

Last cuddles.

At 7:35pm (his birth time) on Wednesday March 9th we pulled the ventilator tube to have Jaxton breath on his own. Unfortunately, exactly 30 minutes later his heart had it’s last beat.