DTR // {redefining the relationship}

Since Jaxton passed away I have had to re-define my relationship with God. I’ll be the first to admit that I have had an easy life. I’ve always been loved, provided for and protected. God and I have always had a pretty good relationship because it has always been going my way or benefiting me in some way. Subsequently it was easy to love him. When we got the prognosis that Jaxton would die I spent then next few months grieving, I cried, I hurt as deeply as you could imagine. Then I remembered my favored relationship I had with God and then I thought this isn’t really going to happen to me. Somehow it’s wrong or God will heal him and it will all work out fine (just like it always has). I was looking back at all the times God had loved, provided and protected me in the past and thought this was going to be another time like that. Somehow he really wasn’t going to die. We kept waiting for each prenatal or ultrasound appointment to bring good news, but it never came. We always left sadder and more distraught then when we got there, but still thinking the God I KNOW isn’t going to do this TO ME. When Jaxton was born he never took his first breath and had to immediately be intubated. What felt like just minutes after I finally saw him in the NICU I was being asked questions about what I wanted to do as far as “comfort care”? Josh and I had no plans to just let our little boy slip away with out a fight. So we chose a “heroic care” type plan. But still I was confidently thinking, “God is going to come through. It will all work out fine. He’s gonna live!” We did start getting positive news about the VSD, the Coarctation and him breathing on his own, I proudly thought, “God, I knew you would come through for me!” Even as his heart stopped beating I acknowledged his power and ability to do miracles and gave him all the glory and said “You can still do this! You can save him!” But now Jaxton is gone. The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me has forced me to re-examine and redefine my relationship with him. In doing so I realized something about myself that not only applied to God but other relationships: If I personally didn’t benefit from a situation was I still going to do it? Was I in love with God only because of the perks I was getting? Was I going to continue to give him my whole heart like I so often claimed I had done if I personally wasn’t getting something from it? If more bad things keep happening, then will I jump ship? This is a hard pill to swallow when you realize something like this about yourself. What are my motives on a daily basis? Unfortunately, usually they are selfish motives. What does it mean to deny yourself daily and pick up your cross? To me it means that I need to be sold out on God and expanding his Kingdom here on earth and for eternity whether it benefits me or not (but especially if it doesn’t). I started to read a book my friend Cami gave me called Holding On To Hope. She writes about the book of Job. I realized I could relate to Job on a very small scale. I could relate to feeling privileged by God and having a beneficial type relationship. Job had many things going for him and God provided for him is so many ways. Yet God allows Satan to take away all his children and livestock and servants. Then Job says something wise… (I’ll paraphrase) “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” So in regards to Jaxton… I’m still devastated, hurt, very sad and a different person than I was before he entered my life. I promised the Lord that I would wholly surrender to him… and that meant to give Jaxton over to him as well. But I couldn’t give him over with a hard heart it had to be genuine. Although my heart wasn’t 100% genuine (as if any mother’s heart would be) I had an understanding that Jaxton’s purpose on earth was fulfilled and I was at peace with that. Today I buried my son. It was the last time I was ever going to see his little white casket. I still could not believe he was not with us any more. That he was here and now he’s gone. This made it all so final.

The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me… is still the same God. It’s just different now. It’s a different love. A deeper love. A comforting love. //  It’s a different way of providing. Providing friends and family to watch Jake. Providing support. Providing physically and emotionally. Providing a beautiful baby for me to love for 14 days. Providing peace that he is in heaven. //  A different Protection. Protecting my heart. Protecting my relationships. Protecting my wholeness. It’s all just so different. I could go on and on about how God provided for us during this time, But I’ll leave it short and just say HE DID! and still does even today. That’s why this next part is so hard to admit to. YES I have a strong faith in God. I have grown to love him and all I’d be lying if I said everything was back to normal. My heart has been a bit hardened when it comes to praying, but especially for healing: Unfortunately, I am in a stage where I tend to roll my eyes when someone asks for a prayer for healing. Hoping they get a good outcome but wondering “Why bother to pray for it, God’s gonna do what ever he wants anyway.” It saddens me that I feel this way, but my wounds are fresh from being vulnerable and getting hurt. I put my whole heart into believing God could and would heal Jaxton. It might take time to trust in the powers that God has and not be hurt or jealous when I hear of a baby who is healed. I’m being honest and I know it’s hard to hear. It’s hard to say. It’s hard to admit. It’s embarrassing. I’m on a new journey trying to understand the God I very much LOVE and TRUST. I look forward to what I learn about him and for him to show me a new side of his love for me. I am still getting used to this new relationship. The comfortable and cocky relationship I was used to for 29 years is gone. Thinking “everything will work out” and “it will be fine” is long gone… Maybe that’s good though. Comfort leads to complacency and what good is just being comfortable? World changers aren’t complacent they are uncomfortable. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me in the future!  🙂   So once again I will quote Job, “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” I have already seen the way I have changed as a person, the way the world has changed because of my son. It was bad for me and my family to loose him but good for the world that he was here. I look forward to seeing him again and that makes me smile. I am thankful for God letting us know that it won’t end at just the 14 days but I’ll get to spend eternity with Jaxton and Jesus!!! What a wonderful thought!