{another milestone} 1 year ago he met Jesus

It’s been a year.    Can you believe it?    A whole year.    365 days.    {sigh}

So much has changed since March 9th 2011. This is the date I consider Jaxton’s Heavenly Birthday. This was the day one year ago he got to meet the Lord, his creator, the alpha and omega… The one who formed him and knew him before he was born.  WOW!

I can still eerily remember most all the events of that day. I can most clearly remember thinking let’s do it at 7:35pm and not a minute later. I wondered why would we put off seeing a miracle that I thought God had in store for us. I remember Bruce pulling the tube out and instantly he started turning gray, looking bad and I knew this was not going to end in my favor. I remember keeping my fingers on his heart and feeling his pulse get slower and slower and even more faint. We told him how much we loved him and that he was perfect… I remember the last number the doctor said was 40 then the next time she checked she gently said “I’m so sorry. Time of death 8:05”. Even after time of death was announced I cried out to God “you can still do this! save him!” I remember this is the first time I had EVER seen Josh cry or have since. I remember realizing how beautiful he was because I could FINALLY see his face after all the tape was taken off. I held him and swayed with him. I layed with him on the bed. I took all the pictures and videos I needed to because I knew this was going to be my last chance and I didn’t want to forget any part of him. Then as I felt his skin turn cold, his face with loss of color and the limpness of his body I KNEW AND ACCEPTED HE WAS GONE. I kissed him over and over and cried and wrapped him up in his bed. As Josh and I were leaving it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t continue walking out of his room. Josh knew exactly what was wrong and said ” I think she is having a hard time thinking we are just going to leave him there by himself.” Then Wendy his nurse offered to hold him and personally take care of him. I’m so thankful that she offered to do that so that we could leave guilt free knowing he was taken care of and in good hands. I remember shaking and trembling in the elevator ride down.

As the pieces of life crumbled around me it took a while to pick them up. Josh was my strength, my support and picked up all the slack where I had just let things go.

Life is different now and sometimes I wonder what chaos my house would be like if he were here. I wonder what his cry would have sounded like. How would Jake handle everything… It just makes you wonder.

So many friendships had formed from all the circumstances like with my good friend whom I love so much  Aimee Loeser who lost Charlotte Jean just before I lost Jaxton and was/is a HUGE support for me. I pray whole heartedly she will be pregnant soon. And our dear friends Jen & Andy Kaler who lost Leah Faith are now living just minutes away from us and are a huge part of Mercy Road. My friend Kari Bundy who lost her son Mason to SIDS and had a service for him the day before Jaxton’s burial. She has done wonderful work in Indy for families called Mason’s Cause. Melba and Shawn Reidy who lost Avary to Trisomy 9. Karie Wong who lost Valerie to Trisomy 13. Trent & Krissi Spangler who used Jaxton’s NICU room for 101 days while Gabriel fought for his life at 26 weeks. Marsha Patick who was my mentor through it all who lost Sawyer years ago before being blessed by her son Sterling. Erin Buente who lost her son Christian to Potters Syndrome. Shari & Wendy, Dr. Star and Dr. Edwards and all his NICU friends including Bruce his RT. Jet Kaiser for filming his precious moments and Jessie Johnston for photographing everything from maternity to birth to days after. Amy Nell for letting us see him over and over in the 3D/4D… and so many more….

Thank you all for the support you have given our family this last year. Thank you for caring enough to share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us. 

So our next chapter in life is praying for this baby girl who will join our family in June.

Much Love, from our family to yours!