{another milestone} 1 year ago he met Jesus

It’s been a year.    Can you believe it?    A whole year.    365 days.    {sigh}

So much has changed since March 9th 2011. This is the date I consider Jaxton’s Heavenly Birthday. This was the day one year ago he got to meet the Lord, his creator, the alpha and omega… The one who formed him and knew him before he was born.  WOW!

I can still eerily remember most all the events of that day. I can most clearly remember thinking let’s do it at 7:35pm and not a minute later. I wondered why would we put off seeing a miracle that I thought God had in store for us. I remember Bruce pulling the tube out and instantly he started turning gray, looking bad and I knew this was not going to end in my favor. I remember keeping my fingers on his heart and feeling his pulse get slower and slower and even more faint. We told him how much we loved him and that he was perfect… I remember the last number the doctor said was 40 then the next time she checked she gently said “I’m so sorry. Time of death 8:05”. Even after time of death was announced I cried out to God “you can still do this! save him!” I remember this is the first time I had EVER seen Josh cry or have since. I remember realizing how beautiful he was because I could FINALLY see his face after all the tape was taken off. I held him and swayed with him. I layed with him on the bed. I took all the pictures and videos I needed to because I knew this was going to be my last chance and I didn’t want to forget any part of him. Then as I felt his skin turn cold, his face with loss of color and the limpness of his body I KNEW AND ACCEPTED HE WAS GONE. I kissed him over and over and cried and wrapped him up in his bed. As Josh and I were leaving it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t continue walking out of his room. Josh knew exactly what was wrong and said ” I think she is having a hard time thinking we are just going to leave him there by himself.” Then Wendy his nurse offered to hold him and personally take care of him. I’m so thankful that she offered to do that so that we could leave guilt free knowing he was taken care of and in good hands. I remember shaking and trembling in the elevator ride down.

As the pieces of life crumbled around me it took a while to pick them up. Josh was my strength, my support and picked up all the slack where I had just let things go.

Life is different now and sometimes I wonder what chaos my house would be like if he were here. I wonder what his cry would have sounded like. How would Jake handle everything… It just makes you wonder.

So many friendships had formed from all the circumstances like with my good friend whom I love so much  Aimee Loeser who lost Charlotte Jean just before I lost Jaxton and was/is a HUGE support for me. I pray whole heartedly she will be pregnant soon. And our dear friends Jen & Andy Kaler who lost Leah Faith are now living just minutes away from us and are a huge part of Mercy Road. My friend Kari Bundy who lost her son Mason to SIDS and had a service for him the day before Jaxton’s burial. She has done wonderful work in Indy for families called Mason’s Cause. Melba and Shawn Reidy who lost Avary to Trisomy 9. Karie Wong who lost Valerie to Trisomy 13. Trent & Krissi Spangler who used Jaxton’s NICU room for 101 days while Gabriel fought for his life at 26 weeks. Marsha Patick who was my mentor through it all who lost Sawyer years ago before being blessed by her son Sterling. Erin Buente who lost her son Christian to Potters Syndrome. Shari & Wendy, Dr. Star and Dr. Edwards and all his NICU friends including Bruce his RT. Jet Kaiser for filming his precious moments and Jessie Johnston for photographing everything from maternity to birth to days after. Amy Nell for letting us see him over and over in the 3D/4D… and so many more….

Thank you all for the support you have given our family this last year. Thank you for caring enough to share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us. 

So our next chapter in life is praying for this baby girl who will join our family in June.

Much Love, from our family to yours!

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20 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by michelle Bradley (Aunt Mimi) on March 9, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    He is in complete joy and perfection 😉 Lisa and Josh you are amazing parents You fought for him when peple said you shouldnt he was able to be loved on by you and then loved on by Jesus. What an amazing life when all you know is LOVE 😉 Im praying throughout the day for you guys and I pray that you have a peaceful day and that as hard as it is God brings you memories. I know that as each year goes by with my mom thats all I want to just keep remembering her ;)xoxoxoxo Aunt Mimi

    Reply

  2. Love you Lisa. ❤

    Reply

  3. Posted by Patty on March 9, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us all. You have blessed us beyond belief, and we trust our love and prayers have been a support & blessing to you and yours.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Guillermo Calvillo on March 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    This journey has impacted many lives including mine. My perspective of parenting has been enriched even though our sons are young adults now.
    I have witnessed the evolution of a sweet young lady to a godly woman that is capable of withstand tribulation and praise God. I have witnessed the evolution of a young passionate pastor to a mature and godly man capable of leading his congregation through joy and suffering with the same love and compassion. I have witnessed the young couple in love, evolving into one couple caring for others; planting a church in the middle of despair, raising a lovely boy to be a happy one despite the circumstances. For all I have witnessed from you two, I praise the eternal God and thank Him for the privilege of having you as my friends. May He continue to bless your path and inspire you in your ministry. Our love and gratitude to you.

    Guillermo

    Reply

  5. Posted by Courtney on March 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    Ahhh “The boy who changed the world” I love it!!!! I am truely smiling right now. Yes Lisa he changed the world for many of us. And be proud that God used you and Josh. You 2 were strong enough. You 2 wouldn’t loose faith. You 2 were the perfect parents to make Jaxton. It wasn’t that he didn’t have the right “make up” to live, He had the exact “make up” to “change the world!” Aren’t we all incompatible to life until we except Jesus and so many did because of Jaxton.

    Reply

  6. Posted by Melinda Pfutzenreuter on March 9, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    I feel like because of you sharing your journey I am in some ways prepared for what lifes journey has to offer me? does this make sense? I feel like I can be helpful to the ones I love in a better way in times of struggle & loss and also look at each terrible thing as what was meant to be and as little blessings. I cried with you during this journey from day 1 on FB and I cry tears of Joy for you today and pray for your little girl inside you. you have done so many amazing things in Jaxton’s name & honor even fighting thru your pain while doing it! thank you xxooMelinda

    Reply

  7. Posted by Debbie Vinall on March 9, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    Praying for you and Josh today… may you be blessed with a flood of sweet memories of precious Jaxton that warm your heart. Love!!

    Reply

  8. I have loved this baby and I never had the chance to even meet him. I love your family, and you don’t even know me. I cannot wait to meet Jaxton in heaven someday and to tell him how much he impacted my life. So much love to you. -Erin

    Reply

  9. Posted by Kelly on March 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it means a lot.

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  10. i just started reading your blog, i have 5 girls and 2 boys, one i parent and one who is ln Gods loving arms! i iove all my children here and above, and if it wasnt for the son we lost, we wouldndt have the one we have now. its strange to say but my son jonathon paved the way for his brother into our lives! God so works in mysterious ways!

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  11. I love you so much, Lisa. I am sorry that March is such a trying month for your family. I have a feeling this summer will bring so much renewed hope (and faith). Thinking of you the past few days, and in the days to come. -Kari

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  12. Wow, one year. Sweet Jaxton, we all still pray for you and your parents every day. You did change the world, little man!

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  13. I’m a friend of michelle’s and I remember her talking to me about her bear friend and what you were encountering with your baby! I just came across this…
    I am so moved by your faith and strength through God! I just have to say thar God has used you to move my heart and renew my faith that God in in control no matter the circumstances! Thank you for your life in Christ.

    Reply

  14. His in good hands for sure.. As we comprehend this profound loss, each tear is definitely a note of love rising to the heavens.

    My son was also diagnosed with holoprosencephaly when i was 22wks pregnant to him.. I stumbled upon your blog when I googled for holoprosencephaly..

    Reply

  15. We just found your blog/story and are so thankful we did. We also pastor a church and currently have a 10yr old with HPE. We would love to connect with you if you are interested. You can check out our story: http://mademeaningful.com/about/
    We would love to have you write a post for our blog from your perspective.

    Reply

  16. Posted by Traci Watkins on July 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I followed your blog and then lost track. But I have never forgotten or stopped thinking about you. So I finally had time to search for you and tears of joy streaming down my face for your family. Very happy that you have been blessed with a little girl. God works in mysterious ways for sure. Congratulations! I believe Jaxton is looking down and smiling on his sister too 🙂

    Reply

  17. Posted by Tina on September 5, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    i come here from time to time to see how u are .. update us with new baby info!

    Reply

  18. Posted by Jessica on December 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Today I found your site when I searched the name Jaxton. What a heartbreaking and beautiful story of the love of a family and the love of Jesus Christ. I found myself praying for you as I read your story. As for searching for the name Jaxton, I’m 19 weeks pregnant with our third child and Jaxton is a name we like. It’s a beautiful name!

    Reply

  19. I have been checking in for a long time. Today, when I clicked, I realized it was the anniversary of Jaxton’s passing, and I wanted to say I am thinking about you guys. Hope all is well with the new baby.

    Reply

  20. Posted by Sarah on June 27, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    Hi Lisa,

    I just found your video on youtube today and then clicked on your blog. We also had a boy with Trisomy 18 earlier this month. We made a video and it seems about every other day I’m still watching videos and reading other’s stories. I miss our little boy so much and enjoy talking about him more that I could ever imagine. He’s our first child so I had no idea the amount of love I had to give. Anyway, I wanted to share our video with you and say thanks for sharing your video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut_g0-WbgGM&feature=player_embedded

    Sarah

    Reply

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