{another milestone} 1 year ago he met Jesus

It’s been a year.    Can you believe it?    A whole year.    365 days.    {sigh}

So much has changed since March 9th 2011. This is the date I consider Jaxton’s Heavenly Birthday. This was the day one year ago he got to meet the Lord, his creator, the alpha and omega… The one who formed him and knew him before he was born.  WOW!

I can still eerily remember most all the events of that day. I can most clearly remember thinking let’s do it at 7:35pm and not a minute later. I wondered why would we put off seeing a miracle that I thought God had in store for us. I remember Bruce pulling the tube out and instantly he started turning gray, looking bad and I knew this was not going to end in my favor. I remember keeping my fingers on his heart and feeling his pulse get slower and slower and even more faint. We told him how much we loved him and that he was perfect… I remember the last number the doctor said was 40 then the next time she checked she gently said “I’m so sorry. Time of death 8:05”. Even after time of death was announced I cried out to God “you can still do this! save him!” I remember this is the first time I had EVER seen Josh cry or have since. I remember realizing how beautiful he was because I could FINALLY see his face after all the tape was taken off. I held him and swayed with him. I layed with him on the bed. I took all the pictures and videos I needed to because I knew this was going to be my last chance and I didn’t want to forget any part of him. Then as I felt his skin turn cold, his face with loss of color and the limpness of his body I KNEW AND ACCEPTED HE WAS GONE. I kissed him over and over and cried and wrapped him up in his bed. As Josh and I were leaving it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t continue walking out of his room. Josh knew exactly what was wrong and said ” I think she is having a hard time thinking we are just going to leave him there by himself.” Then Wendy his nurse offered to hold him and personally take care of him. I’m so thankful that she offered to do that so that we could leave guilt free knowing he was taken care of and in good hands. I remember shaking and trembling in the elevator ride down.

As the pieces of life crumbled around me it took a while to pick them up. Josh was my strength, my support and picked up all the slack where I had just let things go.

Life is different now and sometimes I wonder what chaos my house would be like if he were here. I wonder what his cry would have sounded like. How would Jake handle everything… It just makes you wonder.

So many friendships had formed from all the circumstances like with my good friend whom I love so much  Aimee Loeser who lost Charlotte Jean just before I lost Jaxton and was/is a HUGE support for me. I pray whole heartedly she will be pregnant soon. And our dear friends Jen & Andy Kaler who lost Leah Faith are now living just minutes away from us and are a huge part of Mercy Road. My friend Kari Bundy who lost her son Mason to SIDS and had a service for him the day before Jaxton’s burial. She has done wonderful work in Indy for families called Mason’s Cause. Melba and Shawn Reidy who lost Avary to Trisomy 9. Karie Wong who lost Valerie to Trisomy 13. Trent & Krissi Spangler who used Jaxton’s NICU room for 101 days while Gabriel fought for his life at 26 weeks. Marsha Patick who was my mentor through it all who lost Sawyer years ago before being blessed by her son Sterling. Erin Buente who lost her son Christian to Potters Syndrome. Shari & Wendy, Dr. Star and Dr. Edwards and all his NICU friends including Bruce his RT. Jet Kaiser for filming his precious moments and Jessie Johnston for photographing everything from maternity to birth to days after. Amy Nell for letting us see him over and over in the 3D/4D… and so many more….

Thank you all for the support you have given our family this last year. Thank you for caring enough to share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us. 

So our next chapter in life is praying for this baby girl who will join our family in June.

Much Love, from our family to yours!

Update: Our little Babushka … ♀

Surprise… 

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it!!!

❀ GIRL ❀ 

I had felt from the beginning this baby was a girl so as I mentioned in the last post when at 18 weeks BLUE balloons popped out I WAS SHOCKED!!!

The Ultrasound Technician said she was 95% positive it was a Boy and even double checked it. So my joke to my best friend Michelle was that “there was still a 5% chance it was a girl! “ I was even so confident to have told Jessie our Photographer/Friend/Balloon box maker (who has 3 precious little girls) that I was going to have to need some of her girls hand me downs before the reveal!

At 20 weeks our Dr. and his ultrasound technician thought it was a girl. So these past couple weeks we have been in limbo waiting for a confirmation.

Today at 23 weeks it was confirmed by Jessie’s sister Jenna Kinsley that it’s

Momma’s intuition was right! We are thrilled to welcome a girl and to know she is healthy is such a blessing. I have to admit that if if was a boy it may have been at least a little bit slightly harder having a boy right after Jaxton. That is my own personal feelings and I’m sure it would not have taken me long to over come that emotional hurdle. The Lord is Good and he provides.

Originally I had never pictured myself with a girl in our family other than me. I wanted to be the only girl. A house full of boys and me. Sounds selfish and ridiculous I know. I just feel like i’m more of a guys kinda girl.

I have struggled with thinking this girl is going to turn out like me (defiant, sassy, strong willed and moody). Which scares me to death!!! Although Jake  already has those traits I feel like I can handle them with a boy. In addition, on a personal note, because my mom and I don’t have a great relationship by any stretch of the imagination it scares me that me and my daughter will have an equally strained dynamic. But the more I think about how she will be born into a Happy Marriage with Christian morals, have an older brother and an angel brother as her guardian our circumstance is already worlds different.

Father God, Thank you for our precious daughter who is being knit in my womb with your wonderful creative hand. Thank you for masterfully putting each part together and skillfully making each organ work properly. Thank you for LOVING her before we even know her.

I pray for the love that we are so excited to give her to fully be received and reciprocated. We pray that we are a blessing in each others lives.  I want to pray for Josh and I to raise her by our example of Integrity, Loyalty, Faith, Trust and Unconditional Love. I want to pray for her body to be pure and holy until the day of marriage. May her husband also keep his mind and body pure. I pray he sees her as the Proverbs 31 woman and cherishes her far above rubies and that her children respect and honor her. May she effect this world greatly for your kingdom and know a love for you greater than any other. I pray for her protection and that she listens to wisdom. May you bless her and have favor on her life even now.

Help my children to live lives that are always overflowing with thankfulness, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Col. 2:7, Ephesians 5:20) (31 days of prayer for your children)

Yawning.

23 week bump

* * * No such thing as a “Normal Pregnancy” for the Husmann’s! * * *

My Pinterest Page for Little Girl.

OK… time to send me some hand me downs!!!  🙂  LOL!

Love, Lisa

Special Announcement…

Josh voted BOY.                  Lisa voted GIRL.

I was so nervous! The anticipation had been building for 4 days! My best friend Michelle and I went to an ultrasound on January 17th to have the lady put the gender on a piece of paper. She then gave the envelope with the gender to Michelle. Michelle didn’t open it until I was on the plane ride home to Indiana! Then she called a friend here in Indy to get the box and balloons ready for the reveal. Josh and I both originally thought it was a girl. Then slowly over time he changed to BOY.

I was DEAD SET it was a GIRL! I was so convinced that it was a girl I wondered how I would be able to breath if blue balloons popped out!

Well, I am slowly recovering from shock! The lack of pink balloons lingering in my house is haunting.  LOL  😉

18 weeks now and feeling great!

{Much Love} from our family to yours!

Lisa, Josh, Jacob, (Jaxton) & Baby #3 Husmann

Jaxton’s message.

What would you do if you followed God and lost your son in the process? – JAXTON’S STORY – 10/2/11

I’ve always been proud of my husband, but I am really blown away by him when I hear this message. This is the message he was born to give.

God, thank you for using Jaxton to teach us this message. We have learned more about your grace, love and peace through this than any other life situation.

Thank you for choosing us.

 

How i remember it…

One year ago today, I was told my baby boy was going to die.

This is how the story begins.

September 29th at 9:30 am we were at the 3D/4D ultrasound when we saw a mysterious growth on my baby’s tummy. The technician said she hadn’t ever seen anything like it and I should call my doctor. For some reason I gave it some thought but not a whole lot – call me naïve. I made an appointment with a doctor the next morning and I looked up what I could on google (not finding much about “mass/cyst on stomach”). Josh on the other hand spent the day into night researching and calling his Dr. friends to get answers.

The next morning, Sept 30, 2010, we got up and made our way to the car. While driving he said, “hey Lis, I just want you to know what the doctor says might not be good news. He may even say Jaxton has Downs syndrome and I want you to be prepared for that.” I nodded my head with out saying a word at first. For a while I’m stuck in my head. Thoughts racing around slowly and quickly at the same time. I had not thought about Downs or anything serious. It was a quiet car ride.

We arrive to the doctors office and have an ultrasound technician check the baby for quite some time. Most women would say it felt like eternity and that the nurse would not say anything to them about the circumstance. I remember it differently. I intently was looking at the monitor along with her. I was conversational saying “see, there… that’s what we saw on the 3D/4D ultrasound.” She couldn’t give me any specifics, but she did tell me she felt for me and reassured me that Our God is a good God.

The next thing I remember was sitting in the cold stark examination room. Nothing fancy just the stirrup bed that I was sitting on the edge of and 2 chairs. Josh was sitting on my left just far enough behind me that I’d have to turn to see him. The doctor was in front of us sitting in the other chair. Not an overly friendly or comforting person to say the least. White coat. Salt & Pepper hair. Glasses. Then his words started to come. “Sometimes there are times when a woman carries a baby and while all the cells are forming something just does not go right. With your baby we see some markers that suggest a chromosome disorder. I’m sure you’ve heard of Downs syndrome which is Trisomy 21. With the all issues your baby has I think we can rule out Downs syndrome. It looks to me like either Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. Both of these are incompatible with life.” (paraphrased)

To say I sat quiet and perplexed would be an understatement. {What? There is something worse than Downs? My baby is going to DIE?!?!} I turn and look at Josh and reach for his hand.

I was feeling warm and heavy inside trying my best to hold in my fountain of tears. The amount of my confusion and shock was somewhat keeping them from dripping, but with one good blink I was a sobbing mess. I used my sweater to wipe my eyes and my running nose.

Then it continued… “With a baby that is incompatible with life we don’t know when it is going to die. Most pass before birth but I’m not telling you to expect that you have that long. It could be today or a week from now or months. There’s just no telling. There are options for families in your case. (Abortion) If the baby does survive he will be severely handicapped with out the ability to sit up, breath, eat or communicate on his own for as long as he lives. You have another son, right? Take into consideration what the quality of his life will be if you are taking care of this one all day long.”

I stopped him abruptly and said, “Abortion is not an option. God gave us this baby and we will NOT end his life.”

The next thing I remember is exiting the office and walking down the corridor with my face in Josh’s chest crying. We get on the elevator to see a mother with her teenage boy who obviously had Downs syndrome. I try to pull myself together and give him the sweetest smile I could muster up. I immediately start thinking about telling him that his mom thinks the world of him and that he is very special and loved, but i don’t. He starts asking, “mom why is she crying?” (Over and over and over) I think I said, “I’m ok.” just to ease his concern. {or at least I did in my mind.}

Just moments ago we were told Jaxton was inevitably going to die. Now here is this sweet, innocent Downs boy that I wished I could have. I think about Jaxton {I would have committed my life to taking care and loving him. That option was off the table and now I couldn’t choose it even if I wanted to.}

We get in the car and I let no holds barred with the crying. My life was irrevocably forever changed. So many questions, so much confusion, my world was spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do but weep from the depths of my soul til it physically caused me pain.

My thoughts about God you ask???  My honest and truthful answer is… I wondered if I was being punished for all the bad things I had done in my past! I was mentally crucifying myself for causing this outcome on Jaxton’s life. (obviously, if you have read my blog at all I pretty quickly changed my tune on that.) It was a bad day to say the least.

As for my dear hubby: Josh put the family first and cancelled a speaking obligation in Nebraska and took a few days off to be with the family. What a loving guy i’ve got.

So that was my day 1 year ago today.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Jaxton,

I have learned: If we take the distraction of our fantasy out of the way we can see God’s plan so much clearer. I came to terms with your life and what it has meant and now I can see God’s plan and blessings so vividly.

I would not trade all the tears, all the sleepless nights, all my aching bones.

I would not trade my empty arms, the empty nursery or my empty heart.

I would not trade the hours lost, the smiles gone, or the memories missed.

I would not trade anything to have not had the opportunity to have you.

… But, oh what I would give to hold you again.

You are dearly missed son!

Mommy

// Jaxton’s Video

Thank You to Jet Kaiser Films for this video!

What more could I ask for than memories captured and a platform to tell about my son Jaxton’s amazingly abundant life?

Jet Kaiser took on the task of documenting our families story with Jaxton’s life.  And what a task it was. Jet, who normally does weddings and artsy videos, is know in the Indianapolis area as the “Rising Star” and “Bride’s Choice” 2 years in a row. He stretch his comfort zone and tackled the Delivery Zone  🙂 … So I’d like to be the first to welcome Jet into the “Welcome Baby – Delivery” section of videography! It was his first delivery EVER!!! (I wonder if this experience will push back any plans of having kids- I hope not because they would make the CUTEST kids ever!)

We have a tremendous amount of love, respect,and admiration for Jet and his beautiful wife Danielle. This couple is wonderful to their core!

I have not written since Jaxton passed on March 9th for a few reasons, but I do plan on writing again on the 4 month anniversary of His birthday in heaven – July 9th. It also happens to be the same day as my 30th birthday.

Thank you all who loved our family so very much and stayed informed through out our journey. I apologize for the absence. Please know when I write it’s purely from my heart and I don’t want to rush through.

Once again a *HUGE Thank You* to Jet & Dani Kaiser!

… and a special thanks to you for still caring!

Josh spoke at moment church about Jaxton’s life.

Much Love,

Lisa Husmann

// Our LOVE Story

March for Dimes // Jaxton Husmann

March for Dimes // Jaxton Husmann site

Message from the Team Captain Sara Kumlander:

For all who have shared in Jaxton Husmann’s journey, join us in honoring his powerful life. We are forming a team to walk in memory of Jaxton and the impact he made on this world in the 14 days that he was alive. We are walking to support Josh and Lisa and the mighty example they are of living by faith. Their story touched so many lives and continues to do so. This is one way we can join with them in honoring their son.

Please share this site with anyone who may be interested in joining our team. All are welcome 🙂

~Jaxton’s Team

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality.

Click for Jaxton’s page

Heaven is for Real

I just read the book Heaven is for Real. it took me a couple hours but i could not put it down!

I’m currently obsessed with where Jaxton is and what he felt when he left, who was the first person he saw, what will he look like, will he know me…

This book was amazing!!! (in my opinion) The first chapters felt useless at the time, like come on … get to the good stuff. But i stuck with it and i’m glad i did!

For some reason I have 2 out of body images in my mind of where I feel like Jaxton saw us from while he watched us love him into his transition into heaven. I have looked through all our photos and we have about a thousand (honestly between our friend Jessica, my camera, grandma’s cameras and the hospitals pictures) and none of them have these two particular angles looking down on Josh and I as we where holding him. I found one that was close but just not the right degree so i know I’m not just recalling a photo. I feel like I know what Jaxton saw as his last moments and that is so comforting to me.

Imagine a better dying scenario for our son to be in than in his mother’s arms and his daddy and mommy kissing him, hugging him, telling him over and over “we love you so much”, as we read Psalms 139:13 to him and tell him how perfect he is and how he is going to see Jesus and we can’t wait to see him again!

I can’t think of a better transition into heaven than that!

 

DTR // {redefining the relationship}

Since Jaxton passed away I have had to re-define my relationship with God. I’ll be the first to admit that I have had an easy life. I’ve always been loved, provided for and protected. God and I have always had a pretty good relationship because it has always been going my way or benefiting me in some way. Subsequently it was easy to love him. When we got the prognosis that Jaxton would die I spent then next few months grieving, I cried, I hurt as deeply as you could imagine. Then I remembered my favored relationship I had with God and then I thought this isn’t really going to happen to me. Somehow it’s wrong or God will heal him and it will all work out fine (just like it always has). I was looking back at all the times God had loved, provided and protected me in the past and thought this was going to be another time like that. Somehow he really wasn’t going to die. We kept waiting for each prenatal or ultrasound appointment to bring good news, but it never came. We always left sadder and more distraught then when we got there, but still thinking the God I KNOW isn’t going to do this TO ME. When Jaxton was born he never took his first breath and had to immediately be intubated. What felt like just minutes after I finally saw him in the NICU I was being asked questions about what I wanted to do as far as “comfort care”? Josh and I had no plans to just let our little boy slip away with out a fight. So we chose a “heroic care” type plan. But still I was confidently thinking, “God is going to come through. It will all work out fine. He’s gonna live!” We did start getting positive news about the VSD, the Coarctation and him breathing on his own, I proudly thought, “God, I knew you would come through for me!” Even as his heart stopped beating I acknowledged his power and ability to do miracles and gave him all the glory and said “You can still do this! You can save him!” But now Jaxton is gone. The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me has forced me to re-examine and redefine my relationship with him. In doing so I realized something about myself that not only applied to God but other relationships: If I personally didn’t benefit from a situation was I still going to do it? Was I in love with God only because of the perks I was getting? Was I going to continue to give him my whole heart like I so often claimed I had done if I personally wasn’t getting something from it? If more bad things keep happening, then will I jump ship? This is a hard pill to swallow when you realize something like this about yourself. What are my motives on a daily basis? Unfortunately, usually they are selfish motives. What does it mean to deny yourself daily and pick up your cross? To me it means that I need to be sold out on God and expanding his Kingdom here on earth and for eternity whether it benefits me or not (but especially if it doesn’t). I started to read a book my friend Cami gave me called Holding On To Hope. She writes about the book of Job. I realized I could relate to Job on a very small scale. I could relate to feeling privileged by God and having a beneficial type relationship. Job had many things going for him and God provided for him is so many ways. Yet God allows Satan to take away all his children and livestock and servants. Then Job says something wise… (I’ll paraphrase) “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” So in regards to Jaxton… I’m still devastated, hurt, very sad and a different person than I was before he entered my life. I promised the Lord that I would wholly surrender to him… and that meant to give Jaxton over to him as well. But I couldn’t give him over with a hard heart it had to be genuine. Although my heart wasn’t 100% genuine (as if any mother’s heart would be) I had an understanding that Jaxton’s purpose on earth was fulfilled and I was at peace with that. Today I buried my son. It was the last time I was ever going to see his little white casket. I still could not believe he was not with us any more. That he was here and now he’s gone. This made it all so final.

The God I knew before… the one who Loved me, Provided for me and Protected me… is still the same God. It’s just different now. It’s a different love. A deeper love. A comforting love. //  It’s a different way of providing. Providing friends and family to watch Jake. Providing support. Providing physically and emotionally. Providing a beautiful baby for me to love for 14 days. Providing peace that he is in heaven. //  A different Protection. Protecting my heart. Protecting my relationships. Protecting my wholeness. It’s all just so different. I could go on and on about how God provided for us during this time, But I’ll leave it short and just say HE DID! and still does even today. That’s why this next part is so hard to admit to. YES I have a strong faith in God. I have grown to love him and all I’d be lying if I said everything was back to normal. My heart has been a bit hardened when it comes to praying, but especially for healing: Unfortunately, I am in a stage where I tend to roll my eyes when someone asks for a prayer for healing. Hoping they get a good outcome but wondering “Why bother to pray for it, God’s gonna do what ever he wants anyway.” It saddens me that I feel this way, but my wounds are fresh from being vulnerable and getting hurt. I put my whole heart into believing God could and would heal Jaxton. It might take time to trust in the powers that God has and not be hurt or jealous when I hear of a baby who is healed. I’m being honest and I know it’s hard to hear. It’s hard to say. It’s hard to admit. It’s embarrassing. I’m on a new journey trying to understand the God I very much LOVE and TRUST. I look forward to what I learn about him and for him to show me a new side of his love for me. I am still getting used to this new relationship. The comfortable and cocky relationship I was used to for 29 years is gone. Thinking “everything will work out” and “it will be fine” is long gone… Maybe that’s good though. Comfort leads to complacency and what good is just being comfortable? World changers aren’t complacent they are uncomfortable. I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me in the future!  🙂   So once again I will quote Job, “Should we only accept good things from the Lord and not the bad?” I have already seen the way I have changed as a person, the way the world has changed because of my son. It was bad for me and my family to loose him but good for the world that he was here. I look forward to seeing him again and that makes me smile. I am thankful for God letting us know that it won’t end at just the 14 days but I’ll get to spend eternity with Jaxton and Jesus!!! What a wonderful thought!