Funeral {my glimpse of heaven is gone}

You can read Josh’s words on burying his son here.

 

My Dearest Jaxton,

You had all odds against you and yet you kept fighting. We knew the chance of you surviving was slim but we happily chose to carry you and love you the best that we could for as long as we could. We want you to know you were not a mistake. Your daddy and I prayed to have you and we are so glad we did.

But in the end one single extra chromosome took you away from us.

My heart is so heavy right now as I am missing you so much.  I miss holding your hands, stroking your cheeks, smelling your skin, kissing your nose, forehead, toes and frankly every part of you. I miss whispering into your little ears, reading you books, singing You Are My Sunshine and watching you feed. I miss staring over you just waiting for you to wake up so I could see your beautiful eyes.  I hope you know how much you mean to us! We had someone with you every moment of every day. You were never alone. You were loved every second of every minute!

As daddy and I were obsessing over numbers going up or down and as we celebrating over every small improvement we fell more and more in love with you. But now that you are gone I’m happy to know you are free from the constant beeping of machines, suctioning through the tubes, needles, the smell of hand sanitizer, and the relentless hum of the ventilator. As much as you loved sleeping on your left side and leg massages I’m sure heaven is a better place to be. A place with no omphaloceles, holopracencephaly, Trisomy 18 and no diaper changes which we know you will love!

I now know for certain I was carrying an ANGEL for 9 months. I shared your journey with the world and even before you were born you had an effect on hearts around the world. Literally, we had men and women from almost every state in the U.S. but even as far as: Afghanistan, Hollland, Egypt, Switzerland, Sweden, Costa Rica and South America just to name a few let us know how your life has effected them. I know you are an angel because who could touch so many lives with such a short amount of time. God had a special plan for you. I know that for 14 days I loved and cared for a beautiful Angel. I kissed an angel here on earth. I could have kissed you a thousand more times and it still wouldn’t be enough. As my fingertips felt your heart beating for the last time it all just happened so soon and suddenly my glimpse of heaven was gone.

I ache for you to be back with us and I could have bathed you in all the tears I have cried over you. My heart will never be complete with out you, my son, my angel, my sweetest Jaxton. You are the most special thing that has ever happened to me and I am so proud of you. I couldn’t be any prouder than to know how many peoples lives you brought closer to Jesus and I know that because of your life that number will continue to grow.  I don’t have the words to express how much I’ll miss you, but know that I desperately look forward to seeing you again.

I had the joy and privilege of being your mommy. Thank you for the best 14 days of my life.

We had over 80 people there some of which were his Nurses, Doctors, new friends, strangers and family. We know a lot of you drove hours upon hours to be there. Thank you all for celebrating the life of our son. It means the world to know Jaxton meant something special to you. It was a beautiful day that we were able to celebrate Jaxton’s life. But in true Jaxton fashion it had a twist! As we went to place his casket in the ground the cement vault was 1/3 full of water. I wasn’t about to put my baby in there Moses style and wanted the water out. Because the ground was so wet they needed to put him in a temporary place until the ground dried. So now we get to say good bye twice. It actually made me smile that we’d get to do this again and this wasn’t the last time I’d get to hug his casket.

It’s weird how life moves on even when you don’t want it to. Why isn’t everyone crying? Why is the earth still rotating? Why is the sun still shining? Why? So here I am looking at his last pictures over and over touching the screen just to try to get those moments back. I’m smelling his blankets, hat, arm band and anything that has a trace of his scent. How privileged I am to be able to have those memories with him. How fortunate I am to have been chosen to carry such a special baby.