20,160 minutes without Jaxton

Dear God,

I have been so emotional lately and I know you understand. I think about my baby Jaxton all the time. When I wake up, through out the day, before I sleep and during my dreams. I hope and trust YOU know what your doing. I know in the deepest part of my heart you answered my prayers. You orchestrated Jaxton’s delivery to be here in Indianapolis surrounded by family. You planned it to be on February 23rd a whole week before his due date. You scheduled our nurses and doctors to be the perfect ones for us. You ALLOWED me the honor to meet Jaxton, rock him, kiss him, hold him, hug him, sing to him, read to him, talk to him, see his eyes, watch him breathe, feel his heart beat, change his diaper, bathe him, dress him, read scriptures to him and love him the best we could. YOU GAVE US ALL THOSE MOMENTS TOGETHER. Thank you for each moment of my pregnancy I had with him and the additional 14 days and 30 minutes he was alive. Each moment and each breath (even though it was supplied by the ventilator) was given by you. Psalm 139:16 “All the days ordained for (Jaxton) were written in your book before one of them came to be.” There are things you planned that blessed us and we still might not even know it. I’m so moved by his life and I thank you once again for letting me be his mommy.

I admit to being frustrated and disappointed with you right now. I think I’ve even told you to leave me alone on more than one occasion so far. I am heartbroken for Aimee, for April, for Marsha, for Kari and for Andrea and all my friends who know the pain of loosing a child. I’m saddened and sickened. I know the answers to all of my questions – it’s just not necessarily the answer that helps me heal right now. Knowing you are in control and your ways are better then our ways will be helpful someday, but today I’d like tangible answers please.

My heart is surrendered to you, but I am especially broken. I am hurting for my friend Aimee who’s life seems like one sad thing after another and now she has to endure the cruelness of going to the baby shower she was supposed to co-share next week for her baby girl. She sadly lost her baby over 2 months ago to Turners syndrome. Oh and to top it off in an ever sadder way – the baby shower is for a baby girl. (cue the tears) What kind of lesson is she supposed to learn from this? Isn’t the heartbreak of mourning enough to endure right now? I love Aimee’s questions on her blog about what it will be like to see Charlotte and Jaxton again.  (I know that she will have a perfect body, but will she be a baby? will we all be the same age in heaven?) I have such a heavy heart for Kari who found her baby Mason had suddenly and unexpectedly passed away in the middle of the night. At 5 months old his life was cut short the same week as Jaxton’s. Matter of fact we used the same funeral home. I am burdened for her loss and am at a loss for words.

I am going to start reading a few books that might help me through my new journey of understanding & healing. I Will Hold You in Heaven and Heaven is For Real.

Breath of Heaven (Mary’s Song)

Do you wonder
As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong
Help me be.
Help me.

If you REALLY want to know how I am doing it is a toss up from minute to minute. I can celebrate fully Jaxton’s impact on this world and how incredibly special he was. His life had meaning and value far beyond my comprehension. On the flip side, there are times when I open the bible to read and come across a “Healing” story (specifically Matthew 8 & 9) and I burst into tears wondering “why not Jaxton?” It’s a constant see-saw. It’s only been 2 weeks though. I’ll be ok. i know time will heal and i’ll never forget.  I am confident in knowing that God will hold me up through these trenches. It won’t be easy, but i’ll get through it. Even though my heart is broken it’s still beating.

So as Jaxton, Charlotte, Mason, Sawyer and so many other precious babies play. Us mommies will stay here waiting to be re-united with you one day. We will keep your memory alive in our hearts and think of you daily while we are apart. Have fun little ones laughing and playing, singing songs, dreaming and joyfully swaying. In the sunshine I imagine you to be. Swaddled so tightly being rocked by thee.

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24 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Michelle Bradley (Aunt Mimi) on March 24, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I love the video of Jaxton so sweet! You are real and you are never afraid to tell it like it is. It sucks more than sucks and there is no way to sugar coat that. You know I dont like to give the typical answer ” that everything happens for a reason” and “God will get you through” and ” God will never give you anything you cant handle” you know all this it doesnt make it any easier. I love you so much! Prayers and open ears for you everyday! xoxo

    Reply

  2. Oh Lisa. I wish I could hug you right now. Praying for you.

    Reply

  3. What a precious video of your little Jaxton. ((HUGS))
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Amanda on March 24, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Lisa, I saw on the Today show where they interviewed a little boy and his parents and they were talking about the book you mentioned “Heaven is for Real” I actually thought of you right away and I’m glad to see that you are planning to read the book. I was planning to get it as well, what an awesome story! I hope it will bring us all a little perspective. I love your letter to God and love that you are still sharing with us. You have helped me be a better prayer! As always you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I haven’t forgotten about the wedding dress, I’ve just got to get it in the mail. 🙂

    Reply

  5. Posted by Adrienne Ewers on March 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    My heart breaks right along with yours as I read your post. I am so sad and disappointed as well for what you are having to go through. I wish Jaxton were nestled in your arms too . . . your honesty proves you are so human and I have grown to admire and respect that with each one of your posts. My favorite thing about what you wrote is that your heart is broken but still beating. I KNOW you will get through this with all the grace and faith and dignity you possess. All my love and all my prayers Lisa. I think about you not only once but several times a day. xoxo

    Reply

  6. Posted by Tracey B on March 24, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    My sister has lost 2 babies (my nephew and niece) she too has pictures from names in the sand! They are BEAUTIFUL…what an amazing ministry she is doing Down Under. I have lost a baby due to an adoption gone wrong, my daughter was taken away from me and given back to her birthmother after a week of having her…years of hoping, praying, and waiting for my precious girl and she was gone in a phone call on a Monday morning. I can promise you that it WILL get better!! It stops burning so much, it stops consuming your every thought…you will NEVER forget anything (our God won’t let you- he wants you to always have those wonderful memories). If you have not listened to Mandisa’s song “Andrews Song” please do. It is SO SO healing!!! Praying for you!!

    Reply

  7. Posted by Mandy on March 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Lisa,
    My heart breaks for you. Its hard to wonder from day to day what your child is like after they are gone. I understand that compeletly. I didnt get to meet my son but it still hurts from time to time. I find scripture to heal my heart in these times. I am still praying for you and the family. I wish to meet you someday. God Bless hon!!!

    Reply

  8. Posted by Darci on March 24, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Lisa,

    I found your blog very shortly I found out I was pregnant with #7. I was scared, overwhelmed, and honestly planned not to go through with the pregnancy at all. Reading your blog and being reminded of the precious gift that life is stopped me in my tracks. I can only imagine the pain and anguish you and your family are going through right now, as well as all of those that have lost their children. I pray every day for the health of the little one I carry now, knowing that his/her life is precious in so many ways. I wanted you to know that you and Jaxton saved a life. Maybe another positive outcome of Jaxton story will give you strength in those dark moments.

    Reply

  9. Posted by lara on March 24, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Lisa,

    There is one more book I would recommend you add to your list. Now, before you totally toss out the idea, hear me out 🙂 The book is titles One Last Time and was written by John Edward (yes, that John Edward, the psychic medium).

    I know some people will think this is crazy, but I whole heartedly believe souls are able to communicate with us after they pass on. I read the book 10 years ago and it still touches me and recommend it to everyone who has lost someone close. Ten years ago a very dear friend of mine died several days after being in a terrible car accident. About a week later, I had two VERY REAL moments when I completely and totally felt her presence and I just knew she was okay. When I shared this story with a minister that I worked with at the time, he told me to read the book. It really helped me recognize that I wasn’t crazy and that Erica really HAD been there that day, and DID let me know she was just fine:) I can’t tell you what a comfort that was. In fact, Erica’s energy was so strong that several of us all shared stories that some of the same things had happened to all of us — but nobody felt comfortable talking about it!

    I’m sure Jaxton has tried to let you know he is just fine where he is — this book will help you recognize him when he sends you those messages of love!

    I hope you’re doing well. I think of you often. We’ve never met (although I did attend your wedding). My husband Josh was an usher, but before you and Josh arrived at the reception, I got sick with a terrible migraine and we spent the evening in our hotel room:(

    Please email me if you’d like to chat more about the book, or my unique experience with my friend. It still gives me goosebumps.

    Reply

  10. Posted by Shirley on March 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my son almost 8 months ago. He wasn’t a baby….he was 23, just about ready to start his life as an adult. Like you, I look and God and ask “why?”. Why did he allow me to raise this beautiful child. Teach him good manners, how to ride a bike, do his homework, honor his grandparents, get his vaccinations, braces, learn how to drive….guarding him on a daily basis to keep him safe….only to lose him to leukemia. Why? I wish I had an answer and I hope to understand one of these days. I’d like to recommend a book called “A Broken Heart Still Beats After Your Child Dies”. It’s not a grief book. It’s a beautiful collection of poems, prayers, fiction, non-fiction by famous parents who have lost a child. I will pray for you as I pray for myself. Oh, and by the way….I am raising a daughter with Turner Syndrome. She is a beautiful child. I will pray for your friend too.

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  11. Posted by Deb on March 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    aww…that video is so sweet!! Cherish it and all the other moments like that, that you got to spend with that little angel. ❤

    Reply

  12. Posted by cherie yost on March 25, 2011 at 12:44 am

    Lisa,
    The 2 week mark must be hard. I didn’t have a chance to tell you until now that a dear friend of mine had to have a dnc for her lost pregnancy the same day jaxton went to be with the Lord. I watched her 6 year old daughter for her the day she had the dnc. Today…2 weeks later she asked for more prayer…saying the two week mark has been very hard for her. I wish I could do something to help your hurting mommy hearts. I am still praying.

    Reply

  13. Posted by Kristi on March 25, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Oh Lisa,

    That video is just precious and I know you will continue to cherish it for the rest of your life! 🙂 What a blessing sweet Jaxton is to this world…thank you for sharing each of your days with us in such a real and transparent way! Praying for you constantly!

    Reply

  14. Posted by margie Henderson on March 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Lisa, I am Lizzy Canales’s mom and have been following your journey. I have no words for you that will help, but do know at 65 that the dark valleys of my journey here on earth have lifted, bitterness abated, and joy replaced the tears. Some took longer than others but thankfully I had and have had loving people to look to, as you have. Your husband is a wonderful man! In those valleys He has been with me even though I doubte and probably didn’t even want Him there. I am sending my wedding dress along with Lizzy’s to say “we love and care”. Margie

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  15. “Heaven is for Real” has given me a beautiful glimpse into the lives of my two children that are waiting for me..It will give you a new, refreshing perspective, and it will give you some healing in a way. I also highly recommend the book “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith..It is beautiful and very heartfelt, and even though you will cry through it you might just feel a little bit better at the end..Keep your chin up..It is horrible learning to live without one of your children, but just knowing that we get to see them again really does help me get through each and every day.

    Reply

  16. Posted by Lisa Patterson on March 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Sweet Lisa, I’ve been thinking so much about you and as I read your posts, my heart breaks for you and for me all over again. I know that it is very painful and I know that there is a part of your life that will never quite be the same again. I have often wondered ‘Why God would you allow something like this to happen to me?’ There are so many moms that don’t know you, love you, walk with you, as well as love their children the way that I do…Why would you choose to take mine away from me? I still don’t know the answer and maybe I never will; but there is a quiet hope deep inside of my heart because I know that the God that both you and I love so much would only allow our pain if He had full intentions of using it for something good. I don’t mean for that to sound like a cliche’ because I know nothing feels good about losing a child. I read a book on another mother’s journey and at the end of her book, she asks a question. She asks, “If I knew the whole story from beginning to end, if I knew how I would fall in love with my child and if I knew the pain that I would go through when their life hear ended, would I bypass going through it in order to save myself all of this pain? I knew without hesitation that I would go through it again and again for the chance to know and love my son. Realizing that about myself reassures me that I know deep inside of my heart, that God only trusted you and I with something this big because He knew He could trust us to keep our eyes fixed upon Him. I have also thought about how much better our homecoming will be because we both have someone very special there waiting for us. I love you so much and when I think about our last 4th of July together, I know that even then, God was working on your behalf (and mine). There is something about knowing other moms who know this pain that comforts our hurting hearts. Its as if we understand eachother when others cannot. Lisa, you are beautiful inside and out. I know that God continues to hold you and as time passes, He will allow you to see some of the things He has been doing through your’s and Josh’s pain. I want you to know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk. I have and will continue to pray for you and your precious family. Love to you sweet Lisa.

    Reply

    • “I have also thought about how much better our homecoming will be because we both have someone very special there waiting for us.”
      This brought tears to my eyes, (but what doesn’t these days!) 🙂 Now that I have this thought in my head I am smiling and very excited to meditate on that thought.
      Thank you for sharing with me and I too believe we spent 7.4.09 together to share in moments like this.

      Reply

  17. Posted by Tracie W on March 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Thinking of you guys and praying for you…thank you for the updated posts on how you are..

    Reply

  18. Posted by Kathy Roberts on March 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Lisa- just wait until you read “Heaven is for Real”. Seeing a glimpse into Heaven has been life-changing and perspective-altering. I was skeptical at first, but almost immediately became very convinced that this story is REAL.

    Praying for you right this moment, and begging God for a blanket of PEACE that truly covers in ways unexpected and for the kind of JOY that doesn’t mask your meaningful and very necessary emotions but that rather overtakes your thoughts and constantly causes you to fall into His arms, bask in His Light and be cradled, yourself, by your Abba Father, who mourns WITH you. How ADORED you are by Him.
    Praying now for Josh, as well, as he mourns as a father, who never stopped protecting his family or his son- but instead put all his trust into the ultimate protector. Praising God for his leadership, and praying that every minute causes your family to draw closer together, forming a bond that is stronger than ever.
    And while I’m at it…(didn’t expect to keep going)- praying now for BLESSINGS to start pouring out left and right and that you’ll begin to see some flowers blooming after all of this rain. And that the flowers are the kind that only God would know how to provide and bestow upon you.
    My friend recently said to me, “I love you, and i’m not even the one who created you.” I can see how much you absolutely adore every tiny detail about Jaxton. And God, the one who created you and who created Jaxton, looks at you with that same adoration…amazing.

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  19. Think of you often and lifting you up in prayer. Reading does give you something to do with all the time you have when you want to avoid thinking! Anything by Nancy Guthrie is great. She does a lot of different ones about losing a child and grief. Hearing Jesus Speak Into Your Sorrow rocked my world. Safe in the Arms of God by John MacArthur is a thought provoking one.

    Reply

  20. Posted by janet on March 25, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    Jaxton was a beautiful boy and I’m praying for you as you mourn his death and celebrate his life. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  21. I found your blog through a friend, Julie. We had our miracle baby, Grace, March 4. I don’t understand why God heals sometimes on this earth, and sometimes perfectly in Heaven. I will be praying for you and your family. I cannot imagine your loss. I will pray for our Father to sustain and carry you and surround you with His love and peace.

    Reply

  22. Posted by Dawn Ward on March 27, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    You and I have never met, but please know that I think ans pray for you often. I have lost 3 babies, miscarriages followed by D&C, all girls. My heart breaks for you, and grieve with you also. God blessings to you. May His love surround ans hold you tight.

    Dawn

    Reply

  23. Posted by Cindy Morrow on March 30, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Lisa and Josh,
    I just wanted to recommend a book for you to read to Jake. It was a book that I got for Megan when her grandmother died. It is called, “Someone I Love Died”. It is a fill-in book so that you can put Jaxton’s name in the places where it asks about the person you loved who has passed. I am sorry that I don’t have the book anymore, so I don’t know the author of it. I had lent it out to many people and I guess that it was never returned. In addition to the book, there is also a poster-like chart that you can write things about Jaxton,…things that you remember about him. The book uses analogies to express what has happened to baby Jaxton when he went to be with the Lord, Our God. It also expressed the fact that remembering the person who died is important. The book is age appropriate for Jake. It also has great colorful drawings. I had bought it at a Christian bookstore,..so I am sure that you should be able to find one. I am still praying for you Lisa, Josh, and Jake,….and of course the other family members that I know. Father God, please continue to wrap your loving arms around this family to help them deal with all that has happened, and heal their minds, bodies, and thoughts. Amen

    Reply

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