Strong… but not today. {Happy Anniversary}

For all the people who say I am “STRONG”, that they could NEVER go through something like this: I didn’t have a choice. This was the story I was given to live out. You just have to keep living. And even the days when I wished I didn’t wake up… I still did because it’s not my strength or timing it’s HIS. His plan was for us to share our journey with you.

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

I have heard that Christ will never give you more than you can handle.

What in God’s right mind makes him think I am strong enough to loose my child? That makes me feel so insensitive and inhumane to think that my heart and feelings are able to handle such a loss. He must have me confused with someone else. Perhaps a teenager who accidently got pregnant, a woman who didn’t want anymore kids, a lady who tied her tubes and was not supposed to be able to get pregnant. Then I could see how this wouldn’t be as hard on them. But we prayed and have fought for this child.

Thursday Jaxton breathed on his own for an hour which was great, but when they took blood gas tests afterwards his Co2 level was REALLY high. His brain does not tell his body to exhale enough Co2 and turns into a toxin in his body. This means he will never live life off the ventilator. We are going to do another of this same test on monday just to make sure, but the doctors have already asked us many times to plan for next steps if he can not do it. I have been crying all day at the fact that now instead of being joyous about how many days he is here – I am so consumed in sadness for Monday to come.

I look over and see the bag for all his “souvenirs” that im going to take home instead of my baby. Things like 1st pacifier, lock of hair and footprint will never replace the smell of his head, the touch of his skin, holding his fingers, waiting for him to wake up to see his eyes and not ever hearing the sound of his first cry. I feel robbed. I can’t help but think that I am pumping and storing milk that he may never eat. I look at him and cry. My emotions are getting a hold of me and my heart is literally breaking. When I hold him I am in heaven, but just the act of handing him over to his nurses to lay him down makes me imagine what it will be like to hand his lifeless body over for the last time. I’M NOT READY TO LET GO. I’m starting to feel selfish for fighting for him and wanting him here when I see how painful it is for his IV’s to go in, his lungs to be suctioned out, to have tubes down his throat.

I’m not giving up on him. I guess you could say I am preparing my heart for what might happen, but how do you prepare for watching your child die in your arms. To never be able to hold them again. To have to wait to my own death to see him again. How do you prepare for your life to crumble in an instant?

I have suddenly grown resentful at times when I hear how he is changing peoples lives and become bitter at the sacrifice Jaxton is going through to draw people closer to God. I am certainly torn between keeping my son and giving him to God for his glory. My family and Jaxton are suffering in order for people to realize the sacrifice God gave his very own son so that they can have eternal life with him. Unfortunately, at this moment it doesn’t make it any easier to think every one is being blessed but me – I want my child! I would do anything for him. Sorry for the honest truth about where my heart is right now. It’s not anyone’s fault, but my own discouragement. My prayer is that God helps me with my disbelieve.

The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me… [in] my unbelief!”
Mark 9:24 (NLT)

We are asking for prayers for Monday:

* His brain to tell his body to exhale all the Co2 that he is supposed to and also tell his Sodium and temperature to be balanced. If he doesn’t do this we have to make the decision about when to pull his life support. Obviously, we are PRAYING so hard for Jaxton’s miracle.


Song: Held Song: By Natalie Grant

“How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held”

* Happy 4 year Anniversary Josh! *

I LOVE YOU!!!


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137 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by april on March 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Lisa I am sorry and I love you. We will continue to pray for Jaxton’s miracle. I will also pray for the hurt and betrayal you are feeling right now. It isn’t fair for your family to go through this…period. We all know God has a plan and this time its a really hard one to have to live with. We will NOT give up hope!!!!

    Reply

    • Posted by Tracy English on March 5, 2011 at 9:32 pm

      Hello Lisa and family this Tracy from kalamazoo Michigan Radiant church, please know that all our hearts go out to you deeply! I have one daughter whom is 8yrs and my son is due any day this month how cool our second babies share the same month and year! I am sooo praying and believing with you as well as many others for Jaxtons health! His life! I hope this encourages you: we have painted spiritual warning signs for the devil,in Jesus Name back of devil, off limits iT is written according to Gods word that WE DON’T BELONG TO YOU! OUR FAMILIES DON’T BELONG TO YOU,OUR KIDS DON’T BELONG TO YOU,OUR HEALTH OUR FINANCES,OUR MINISTRIES DONT BELONG TO YOU WE BELONG TO A DIFFERENT KINGDOM GODS KINGDOM!!! IT IS WRITTEN JOHN 17:15-16 ” I PRAY NOT THAT THOU SHOULDEST TAKE THEM OUT OF THE WORLD, BUT THAT THOU SHOULEST KEEP THEM FROM THE EVIL. THEY ARE NOT OF THE WORLD,EVEN AS I AM NOT OF THE WORLD.” We love you and I love you lisa even though we dont know each other I wish I could be there to hug you all, please know please know that our Abba father God is there holding you all even if it doesnt feel like it your heart and soul knows it, I can keeping you in our prayers and yay so are many of us at radiant and others around the world we all got your back chica how awesome that God has our back woot woot!!!

      Reply

    • Posted by Tracy English on March 6, 2011 at 8:53 am

      Thank you Abba father God for your love your perfect agape love that never fails and is forever, we need you and want you must have you always and forever! Amen xoxoxox

      Reply

      • Posted by Tracy English on March 7, 2011 at 12:51 pm

        we love you and keep hoping and praying for you all and your family xoxoxoxoxox

    • Posted by Kathleen on March 11, 2011 at 2:40 pm

      Dear Lisa and Josh, I don’t know you, but I was so moved by your blog. It was shared with me by a dear friend, who I met in an infant loss support group. I lost my son Garrett to SIDS in December 1997 when he was three months old. Unlike your situation, Garrett’s death was sudden, and completely unexpected. Words simply cannot adequately express the sorrow I feel for you and your family. I cannot tell you how often I’ve despised the word Strong. I did not want to be strong. I didn’t choose to go through this journey. I wanted my son! You have no choice but to get up and cope, and beg God to get you through another day, to give you strength to love your husband and your 2 year old child that has little understanding of what is going on. After Garrett’s death, I clung to the people who really understood what I was going through; others that had lost a child. I’m sure that’s why your new friend has become so close to you… it’s healing for her to be there for you. I will pray for your marriage (mine crumbled a couple of years following Garrett’s death) that you two rely on God for your strength and your ability to continue to allow him to be the 3rd part of your triple braided cord. I was given a wonderful book that I’m sure you’ve seen, but if not, I strongly recommend getting it… it’s a children’s book called, “Mommy, please don’t cry.” It will give you Jaxton’s perspective of Heaven, which for me was incredibly helpful.
      My brother lives in Noblesville; I want to ask him to attend Jaxton’s service on Saturday, just so he can give you a huge hug from me. Know that you are in my heart and prayers. Love, Kathleen

      Reply

  2. Posted by Kristi on March 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    I’m so sorry, Lisa.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Mandy Allen on March 5, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I will be praying for his healing and for the Lord to reach down and touch you and Josh in your time of need. The Lord has a plan. Even if we dont understand why things happen. We just have to remember God is in control. I am here for you both. You are wonderful people to take on this responsibility. Lisa you will be alright. Just lean on the Father. Ask him to hold you and Josh both right now. HE will. Jaxton is a fighter no doubt. I pray for the Lord to come down and send a legion of angels to encamp about Jaxton. I pray and claim this miracle healing in the name of Jesus! I praise him for giving ALL of us Jaxton to show us there is more than just us in our own little worlds out there. We need a reminder sometimes. God Bless you both! I cant say I understand how you are feeling because I dont but I can say I will be there for you (even though you dont know me). I have put Jaxton on my church prayer chain list.

    Reply

  4. Posted by lisa beanblossom on March 5, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    I cannot imagine what you are going through and I won’t pretend to. I am very sad for you. My heart goes out to you and your family. No one should ever have to lose a child.

    Reply

  5. Posted by lisa beanblossom on March 5, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    I guess I don’t understand- I thought he was awake and moving around, just needed help to breathe? But you are saying life support? What abou t the trache option?

    Reply

  6. Posted by From Afar on March 5, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Nothing I can say will take away your pain, your anger or what you are feeling right now. You have the right to feel that way.

    This will not change your situation, nor will it provide instant answers. Just know I feel like this was laid on my heart to share with you….
    remember, his strength is perfect…

    Reply

  7. Posted by Heather Cox on March 5, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    My heart is breaking for Lisa, Josh, Jacob, and their family.

    Reply

  8. Posted by Terressa on March 5, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    We are praying, Lisa. He has done so much already. We are hurting and hoping with you!

    Reply

  9. Posted by Lauren on March 5, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    My heart goes out to you both. There is no need to apologize for your feelings at all. Nobody can truly understand all the hurt and pain unless they have been in a similar situation. I have been praying for Jaxton before he was born, and will continue to do so.

    Reply

  10. I am just so so sorry. I have no words. I was so hopeful when reading all the other posts now this. It isnt fair! Im so sick of hearing that babies struggle and are sick or worse. Come Lord Jesus Come!

    I am praying.

    Be blessed
    Ashlee

    Reply

  11. Posted by brenda smith on March 5, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Lisa I don’t know you personally but I feel like I do through your blogs. My heart aches for you and your family. I can not begin to imagine the heartache you are going through. I will continue to pray for your precious Jaxton and for you. your sister in Christ.

    Reply

  12. Posted by Cathy Griffin on March 5, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Lisa, Don’t be sorry about being truthful. You and Josh have been amazingly strong-of course you feel distressed with the most recent turn of events. I love you and am praying and crying for you right now. Give sweet Jaxton a kiss from the Griffin family.
    We will all continue to pray, pray, pray for all of Jaxton’s immediate medical needs, as well as for you, Josh and Jake.

    Reply

  13. It is ok to feel the way you do. The Lord is pouring you out like a drink offering and it HURTS! I know how it feels. I also know how it feels to not want to wake up sometimes. But, you never know what God will do. His ways are not our ways. Praying for you all. With love, Your fellow Glendora-ian.

    Reply

  14. Posted by Jennifer Snyder on March 5, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Any mother would feel the same way Lisa, no matter how strong their faith in God is. Thankfully He understands this and continues to love you even though you are resentful and having a hard time believing in His plan.

    From the Book of Bible Promises, Ruth Harms Calkin writes:

    Lord, with no sense of direction
    I’m forever losing my way.
    Please tie a string
    From Your heart to mine
    So that even in the darkness
    I’ll feel the tug of Your heart
    And find my way home.

    I am praying for your miracle.

    Reply

    • Posted by kathy on March 8, 2011 at 12:45 am

      I grew up in church under the beautiful direction of Ruth Harms Calkin, what an amazing women. She was a amazing role model.

      Reply

  15. Lisa and Josh,
    I am so so so very sorry that you are facing this struggle right now. I have sent both of you private emails in light of different questions you have asked on both of your blogs. We lost our son Samuel in Oct 2008 as a result of a cord accident. I can relate to your situation even though it is different than mine with Samuel. Honestly, it is still a struggle many days to daily surrender to His will. As much as we love God, still believe in Him fully… we are moms who are NOT ready to say goodbye to our babies… It is so hard because our love is so deep for our children. All of your questions and sadness is totally understandable… to our God as well. (When I am having a particular hard day, I remember where it says that Jesus was sorrowful even to the point of death, in the garden before he was crucified… he understands our deep pain)

    Lisa, I am praying for Monday… I am praying the Lord allows Jaxtons brain to send all the right signals so that it will rid his body of the CO2. I am still praying for Jaxtons miracle. But I also want to assure you that if Jaxton’s healing doesn’t come here on earth that the Lord will continue to sustain you and carry you… just like He has in the past months. When you say that you aren’t strong, we see the Lord stregthening you. Lisa as a momma, my momma heart strugglies with you… breaks for you that
    you are facing this. Please know my prayers are right there… being lifted before our Father in Heaven… He is carrying you even now:) Sending love and many prayers!!!
    Sara

    Reply

  16. Posted by Betty-Rae on March 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Hi Lisa … another faceless name from a friend of a friend who asked us to pray … may the Lord strengthen you and hold you in His arms as tenderly as you hold your baby …

    Reply

  17. Posted by Lisa Patterson on March 5, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Sweet and precious Lisa. Thank you for being honest about your struggles right now. My heart breaks for you also. We will keep praying and keep watching to see what God does in the life of little Jaxton. Someone told me during one of the most difficult parts of my journey that when we are simply to weak to hold onto Jesus…it’s ok because He is holding onto you. Praying for you now to sense His overwhelming amount of Love for you and your family. You are loved so much and so is your family.

    Reply

  18. Posted by Molly on March 5, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    I don’t want to overstep any bounds since I do not know your sweet family personally, but I want to say that the idea that God won’t give you more than you can handle is simply NOT true. The nature of life in this broken world is going to completely overwhelm us at some point or other…we cannot handle it. That’s why we have a big God who carries us, because HE can handle it. So please, don’t beat yourself up for feeling not strong enough. It’s okay. You’re not…but Jesus our Lord is and that’s all we can hold on to in incredibly horrible situations like this.
    Please know that I’ve been praying earnestly for dear, sweet, precious Jaxton and will continue to do so…and for you as well. Thank you for sharing your journey and your heart with such honesty. May our Abba Father redeem what the enemy means for great harm.
    Molly Detweiler
    (Heard about Jaxton through Christine Watkins who works with your mother)

    Reply

    • Posted by From Afar on March 6, 2011 at 12:51 am

      There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who WILL NOT suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

      Reply

  19. Posted by Candace Wingfield on March 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I know this is an impossibly difficult time for your family and even writing that post had to be draining. Finding words for indescribable pain. It’s hard now but remember that His strength is perfect even when yours is gone. God has done and IS doing a wonderful work through you, Jaxton and your ministry. I cannot fathom what you’ve been through but I thank you because it would’ve turned out differently had it been another family (and I know that gives no comfort.) How many families would’ve given an invitation to Christ on their blog or praised God thru this storm? You have helped me in ways I cannot express, even though the source broke my heart. I’d much rather have just stumbled across your church but my life has been irrevocably touched and blessed beyond measure by Jaxton. Thank you for always being a blessing even though it’s an incredibly difficult load to bear for folks ya don’t even know. Here in VA, I waited and watched your blog hour by hour until he arrived. My church, my family, my friends all awaited this arrival and prayed a thousand prayers over him – the little boy we don’t even know. I just…can’t begin to thank you, Jaxton, or your ministry. We continue to pray for you and Jaxton, continue to pray for divine healing and comfort. We love you dearly even though we’ve never met.

    Reply

  20. Posted by Courtney Richard on March 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Precious Lisa, We are praying for your family and Jaxton. Thank you for sharing what is on your heart…no need to be sorry for feeling this way or being so real. Praying and believing with you!!!

    Reply

  21. Posted by Christy on March 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I have shared your blog with so many people from church and the school where I teach. Your message…and Jaxton’s…are deeply reaching the unbelieving! I pray for your comfort as you navigate through the coming days. God’s plan is bigger and mightier than anything you could ever believe or design yourself. I’m sorry for your pain and pray fervently that God holds you close. Jaxton is a perfectly magical little boy…thank you for blessing all of us with your story. You are a TRUE example of faith.

    Reply

  22. Posted by Deborah on March 5, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    My mothers heart goes out to you tonight. I am praying for you, that God will wrap his strong arms around you and you will just lean into them and trust him. Cry there and don’t be afraid to tell Him how you feel.

    Reply

  23. Posted by Grant Fletcher on March 5, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Praying for strength, understanding, and wisdom.

    Reply

  24. Posted by Debbie on March 5, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Lisa and Josh: I can’t even imagine what you are going through BUT I’m sure God knows what he is doing! Hold on to every minute you have with your Little Jaxton and just know Jaxton is holding on for a reason and know how much he loves you both! My prayers are with you ALL and I only hope for the best.

    Also Happy Anniversary Hope You Both have many many more years of Marriage! Seems like you Both have a strong Marriage and it will only get Stronger!!

    God Bless You All!

    Reply

  25. I’m so sorry! I haven’t posted to your blog often but I have been following each update you have. I’ll be praying for God’s strength, comfort and peace. Life is not fair, and the choices you have to make are so very hard but know that God loves you and your family!

    Jessica

    Reply

  26. Posted by Darla on March 5, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Have been following your blog through Philip, and just wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you are suffering right now. I am praying for Monday, and that Jaxton will again defeat the odds. Lisa, I want you to know that as a mommy of an angel myself, I COMPLETELY understand your feelings, and am actually thankful that you are allowing yourself to grieve openly with others about Jaxton and what you are facing. It is so hard to be positive when things are deteriorating around you, and you HAVE been so very strong, as has Josh, but it is so OKAY to vent and grieve, and sometimes is a huge relief to get it out! You don’t have to be tough or strong all the time–let the emotions out and they will definitely allow you to see the positives of the coming days. May God continue to bless you and your family! ❤

    Reply

  27. Posted by Nena Amaral on March 5, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Dear Josh, Lisa, and Jake, I am so sorry for what you are all going through right now. I can’t even imagine what it is you are really going through. I am happy that you have each other and are giving God your heartache and tears. I am sure he’s hurting for you too and he is probably so proud of how you are all holding up even when it is mixed with joy and sadness.

    I will be praying for you as Jaxton approaches Monday.

    Happy 4th Anniversary! 🙂

    Love to you all, Nena

    Reply

  28. Posted by Cindy on March 5, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Dear sweet friends in my heart — praying for you on this weary road. Praying for Jaxton and the Father’s merciful plan.

    Reply

  29. Posted by Doug Meye on March 5, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Lisa and Josh. As I read Lisa’s blog, I feel like I am being ushered into the Holy of Holies–that mysterious place where we finite humans encounter the infinite God. While I “observe” this encounter in hushed silence, my heart cries out for you and for precious, little Jaxton. In all of this, I find some comfort in C.S. Lewis’s description of Aslan, “He’s not a tame lion…but He’s good.” I love you guys, and will be praying much as Monday approaches.

    Love in Christ,

    Doug

    Reply

  30. No. None of this seems fair. I felt robbed that I didn’t get to meet Aubree alive. I am so happy that Jaxton is with you, but I can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy that I never got that chance. So much of this doesn’t make sense..why would we be allowed to carry a child who was meant to die? It’s not like we never wanted them..we wanted them more then anything, and yes, it is extremely difficult preparing for life without them in it. I am not going to lie and tell you that this last year has been easy because it has been awful. I have had to learn to live without one of my children and dealing with the insensitive comments of many people doesn’t help. My life has changed. I am a different person, and I have lost some friends as a result because they no longer are able to relate to me. I have also grown immensely in my faith and in my walk with God because He is the only comfort to me. Reading through certain passages of the Bible bring me so much comfort and even listening to The Message on XM has been wonderful. JJ Heller’s song “Your Hands” is my rock and has been through it all. She reminded me that God is holding your hand even when the ground beneath you is shaking. He has never left my side, and my beautiful daughter showed the world how a little bit of faith can move mountains and bring people to question their beliefs (or lack of beliefs). I held on the the hope that God was going to be a better parent to her them I ever could be because I am not perfect..We get to see them again, and that sort of makes death seem not so scary anymore..I am praying for a miracle still and for guidance for you as you navigate some important decisions. Just know that you are not alone and that God will hold your hand through it..Happy Anniversary btw!

    Reply

  31. Posted by Denise Hendrickson on March 5, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    I thought of you when I heard this song today. I am praying for little Jaxton, you Lisa & Josh!!!

    Reply

  32. Posted by Carol Fast on March 5, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    Precious Josh and Lisa, Our TM staff is praying for you both. I’ve asked the Holy Spirit to plead your case before our Father. You’ve so clearly expressed the agony of your heart and of the wrenching possibilty of needing to make a nearly impossible decision. The Holy Spirit knows exactly how to represent it because He completely understands your hearts and souls. When it hurts too much to pray, just know that the body of Christ is praying in your stead too. You are greatly loved and cared for!

    Reply

  33. Posted by Audrey on March 5, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    Praying for you family! May God give you strength, hope and heal your sweet baby Jaxton.

    Reply

  34. my sweet friend Lisa, it’s been so long since we’ve seen one another. i wish it weren’t so. But please never forget that your friends love you (even from Peru) and are pleading to God on your behalf, for mercy and for His grace. Tears are being shed for you; although I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child and to go through this tremendous battle, I do know what it’s like to love. The passion a mother has for her child is uncomparable to anything else. Please don’t feel the slightest bit guilty for the resentment you may feel toward those being blessed by your struggles. God knows you, and your heart, he feels your pain and so please don’t feel like you have to “have it all together” for the people following along in your journey. Whatever you can’t…God can. He is able. We love you Lisa and Josh. Praying for a miracle and for overwhelming peace in your hearts and for wisdom beyond your years for the tough decisions to come.

    Reply

  35. Posted by Debbie on March 5, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    Lisa, I hate when people say to others “well God wouldn’t have given you more than you can handle”, because it is a mis-quote of a verse about something else entirely (temptation to sin), but moreso because it is insensitive packed with the punch of wrongly presuming to speak for God! Hear this: God allows (not causes) much more than we can handle. his love is shown in this (among other mercies), that he carries you and weeps with and for you through it all, and HE gives you just enough strength to go on when you yourself do not have it. I’m praying for strength, and praying for miracles.
    I.m So glad you are always honest and not trying to give yourself the added burden of presenting nice or defending God (his glory will show itself in the end regardless of us). But to encourage you, I also want to share that the enormity of Gods sacrifice of His son actually came through so strongly in this post as I read it, seeing it through the eyes of an anguished parent.
    I love you my friend, and your family. Praying praying praying (all 3 of us).

    Reply

  36. Posted by Renee Joy Roberts on March 5, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    Lisa, I pray with you and weep with you. I remember when we came to the conclusion that our 13 month old son, Michael, would no longer continue to live because of a rare form of leukemia that ravaged his body. While it was the depths of Michael’s pain that allowed me to hand him over to Jesus, there have been may times in the years after his death that I just wanted to have him back to hold. The song that went through my head continually was Safe in the Arm of Jesus by Fanny Crosby
    Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast,
    There by His love o’ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest.
    Hark! ’tis the voice of angels, borne in a song to me.
    Over the fields of glory, over the jasper sea.

    Refrain

    Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast
    There by His love o’ershaded, sweetly my soul shall rest.

    Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe from corroding care,
    Safe from the world’s temptations, sin cannot harm me there.
    Free from the blight of sorrow, free from my doubts and fears;
    Only a few more trials, only a few more tears!

    Refrain

    Jesus, my heart’s dear Refuge, Jesus has died for me;
    Firm on the Rock of Ages, ever my trust shall be.
    Here let me wait with patience, wait till the night is over;
    Wait till I see the morning break on the golden shore.

    While I pray for Jaxton’s healing, May you always sense that wherever he may be he rests Safe in Jesus arms.

    When I am weak, which is always, my Jesus is strong.

    May the Lord hold each of you in his arms in these next few hours and in the days to come. Renee Joy

    Reply

  37. Lisa, I have been reading since Jaxton was born, following each update after a friend shared on facebook. I am also fighting for my daughter’s life; she’s 4 months now, and has brain cancer. We were told she would not live, that we should make her comfortable and let go. I have been to that brink, looking at my tiny baby and not understanding why God would do this to her, or to me. I have been so frustrated with people telling me she is a miracle for them, giving them hope, even though I understand their sentiment. She, like Jaxton, does not deserve that burden. But his life does bring good to you and others, no matter what. Be strong for him and your other son. I will hope that you get better news than you expect; we did.

    Reply

  38. Posted by Cathy Javersak on March 5, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Didn’t Jesus ask God, his father, to let his own death pass if it was God’s will? Are you not allowed to ask God the same for your sweet baby? I believe that God wants you to trust him, but totally understands your human heart. After all, even Mary wept at Jesus’ death. Sending prayers your way for Jaxton, you, Josh, and the rest of your family and friends. Praying for strength, wisdom and peace.

    Reply

  39. Posted by Kristin on March 5, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    Lisa and Josh,
    My heart hurts so much for you and all you’re going through. But I wanted to say that whoever said Christ will only give you what you can handle is mistaken. The Bible only says that we won’t be tempted beyond what we can bear. It seems heartless of people to think that God had YOU experience this tremendous loss because He knew YOU could handle it. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding the Word, but I don’t think it’s in there. I hope that helps somehow. I’m praying!

    Reply

  40. Posted by Ali W on March 6, 2011 at 12:20 am

    March 6th excerpt from Jesus Calling by: Sarah Young:

    “Continue on this path with me, enjoying My presence even in adversity. I am always before you, as well as alongside you. See Me beckoning to you: Come! Follow Me. The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand. I am not subject to limitations of time or space. I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me.”
    Hebrews 7:25; Psalm 37:3-4

    Reply

  41. Posted by Jennifer Newlands on March 6, 2011 at 12:45 am

    Praying for you and your family.
    Jenn

    Reply

  42. Posted by Anna on March 6, 2011 at 12:49 am

    Praying. I prefer the saying that “God doesn’t give us more than HE can handle.” He’s walking with you and holding you. I can relate from personal experience what you are going through- of course the walk is different for everyone so I can’t say I know exactly but I “get it”. I also hate when people say “you are stronger than I am”. Praying so much that you get to take your beautiful baby home and not just the “souvenirs” as well as for strength and comfort for you and your family.

    Reply

  43. Posted by Tracie W on March 6, 2011 at 12:52 am

    You do not know me, but we are praying for a miracle for Jaxton and for strength for you guys.. don’t give up until God tells you too!! I am so sorry you are even facing these horrible decisions.. stand strong!! I will keep updated with this blog so that we know how to pray.

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  44. Posted by J C on March 6, 2011 at 2:31 am

    My heart breaks for your family tonight. I came to your blog the night before Jaxton was born and have been following your story since. Although I don’t know you, your family has occupied my thoughts. I hope that you will find strength and guidance in the days to come. As we all hope for a miracle, please remember that any and every feeling you have right now is reasonable, understandable, and absolutely acceptable. Sending love from a stranger to your family…

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  45. Posted by Tiffany on March 6, 2011 at 2:32 am

    Oh Lisa. I don’t even have words. I am so sorry. So sorry. I will pray with everything I have.

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  46. Posted by Angela Linzay on March 6, 2011 at 2:43 am

    Oh Lisa…. I am sitting here in TEARS for you and your family. I am SO sorry that your family has to go through this. I am so glad that you were able to be transparent about what you’re going through right now. God knows and UNDERSTANDS your fears, anger, confusion, and all the other feelings that you can’t even express into words. I’ve always been a big believer in allowing God to know how you feel… even when you’re angry at Him…but still knowing that HE is GOD. He can handle your anger. Wow. I know that this CANNOT be easy. Our family will be in prayer for your family…. especially as Monday comes. Love you guys SO much!!!

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  47. Posted by Kellie on March 6, 2011 at 3:02 am

    “Your a such a strong person…” You feel like you want to punch the next person to say it and you want to scream at the top of your lungs “I DON’T WANT TO BE!!!!!” And then in that moment you feel like there is no one on the planet who understands that the last ounce of “strength” you had was depleted long ago and you are broken in every sense of the word and you just want to know “Why? Why my baby?” I have felt & thought every word you wrote Lisa. Down to the “souvenir” bag 😦 There are no words of comfort you could give a mommy & daddy in that moment short of “he’s healed and yours to keep.” It’s a pain I cannot describe and would take from you both if I could. God CAN do the impossible. And until “He” says different, I will continue to pray for the healing of your baby boy. And I will be praying for your and Josh’s hearts. I found in my greatest moments of weakness and pain, I felt the “strongest” when I gave it ALL to Him. He hasn’t left your sides, though at times, especially now it seems He has. He hasn’t forgotten your sweet baby boy. Jaxton is one of His BEST creations! Little guy sure is one handsome little dude if I say so myself 😉 If you ever need an ear I’m here.

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  48. Posted by Christian on March 6, 2011 at 5:52 am

    So sad… I’m so sorry. I am praying.

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  49. Posted by Tamara Omobono on March 6, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Lisa, you dont have to apologize for telling the truth about how you feel. I cant begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you are experiencing. The tears I have right now are nothing compared to your own. I’m sure everyone who has read this wishes they could do something, anything to lighten your pain. I dont know what else to write. I’m so sorry, its not fair. My family is continually praying for all of you. Love you guys!

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  50. Lisa,

    I have been following your blog since the day before your c-section. I stumbled upon this when I was looking online for information and stories from NT scans and your best friend posted your story on BabyCenter. Honey, I cannot imagine at all what you are going through. I have no words of encouragement because I’m not even sure if I did that my words would make you feel any better. All I know is that if God doesn’t give you your miracle that there is a reason behind that. And in time your heart will survive. I watched my cousin suffer the loss of her 3 year old to a drowing accident in 2003 and now she still misses him every single day but her life is pressing forward and she is okay with that- living life laughing and waiting until she can be reunited. She has pictures of her Connor all over her house and every Christmas he even gets a stocking. It is how she copes. I guess I say all of this becuase I want you to know that it’s okay to be mad as hell, it’s okay to cry, it’s perfectly normal to feel all of these emotions. I am praying for you. I am praying for peace as you make some of life’s toughest decisions. Thanks for being brave and strong enough to post your story. You are amazing. And HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

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  51. Posted by Kimberly Johnson (PFB) on March 6, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Hi Lisa and Josh,
    I just read this and wanted to share…

    “The greatest and deepest Christians I’ve ever met are not the ones with the advanced degrees and not the ones who are always happy and cheerful, but they are people who have found God to be faithful in the worst moments of life,” says Dr. Ray Pritchard. “Instead of running away from God, they ran toward Him. And they know things about God that the rest of us haven’t yet experienced.”

    Run to God, and praise His name.

    “But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall” (Malachi 4:2).

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  52. Posted by Missi on March 6, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Keep HoPE it takes awhile for even Preemies to get the breathing Co2 thing down, and white males are usually the longest. My DD was born at 29wk’s they figured with the lung shots she would have no breathing issues what so ever, she came out needing a vent for days then SiPap, then Cpap, then nasal cannula. It was a long few weeks with her breathing and it happens a lot in the NICU. It’s a long rollercoaster ride in the NICU, 1 step forward, 10 steps backwards.

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  53. Posted by Karen Weimer (Moore) on March 6, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Lisa you don’t know me, however I have heard your story through other friends I remain in contact with from Union City. A stunning chill and silence hit me as I read your last post. I remember when my twins were born that people were running to the hospital with balloons and congratulations and I was sitting in a stupor of confusion. I felt as if I were mourning and everyone else was happy. The twins were born at 27 weeks weighing 1 lb 9 oz and 2 lb 3 oz. Although I don’t believe anyone can “know how you feel” as we all deal with things differently, your words were so familiar. I was absolutely fed up with people saying, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”. Everyone had great advice. No one ever told me it was okay to be angry. There were days I prayed for my childrens healing, and then there were days I prayed for their suffering to end. This was all 11 yrs ago on Friday. Your gift through all of this to me is your ability to express exactly what you are feeling. I wasnt so good at this. Even now as I share a small portion of my experience I feel guilt that my children are alive. That is not fair. I have learned that my greatest gift to others who are experiencing similar experiences is to allow them to be brutally honest about their feelings. I kept mine to myself because I was ashamed of where my heart was. What you are feeling is okay. The acronym DABDA often used for people mourning seemed to fit perfectly to my situation. Denial, Anger, Bargaining(often with GOD), Depression and Acceptance. No stage has a defined time period and at times we are stuck in one phase for a long time. Know that you will survive this, not because you want to. But, because you have no other choice. My prayers are with your family as it is a stress on every part of your life and your relationships with others. Just attempt to allow yourself to love and not protect yourself for the hurt you may have to face. Don’t hold your child at arms length to lessen the blow to your heart if you have to let go.

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  54. Praying & believing. You are not alone. I pray for your comfort, your sweet baby, your strength, and the unfailing love of God to hold you.

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  55. Posted by Amber on March 6, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Praying like crazy for your beautiful baby boy.
    Praying for your family, and for peace and most of all – for a miracle!!

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  56. Posted by the Grisso's on March 6, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Much love and continued prayer for all of the Husmann family

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  57. Posted by Susan Carriere on March 6, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    “Jaxton is a WARRIOR.” “I am continually praying for all of you.”

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  58. Lisa –

    You know we’ll keep praying for Jaxton and you both. I wanted to share this:
    Habakkuk 3:17-18
    Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
    though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
    though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls,
    yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.
    The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights.

    God knows that you are in a horribly hard situation, and I know from knowing you that you DO rejoice in the Lord. Try not to let your mind dwell on the sad parts of what may come – think only that every minute you have him is another minute with him. Another minute he feels loved and hears your voice. Another minute he is prayed for and adored.
    Think about how great it feels to hold him in your arms right NOW and how you can kiss him 🙂 Pray for Monday and waiting patiently on the Lord.

    We’re praying for you all and especially for God to provide another miracle with Jaxton and let him breathe on his own. Praise God for how he takes care of us.

    We love you guys 🙂
    Jes

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  59. […] Strong… but not today. {Happy Anniversary} For all the people who say I am “STRONG”, that they could NEVER go through something like this: I didn’t have a […] […]

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  60. Lisa, we don’t know each other, but from one mother to another, I will tell you that if you weren’t experiencing these feelings and letting them out, it would be unhealthy. When our firstborn was diagnosed with Down syndrome at 12 days old, I had incredible grief, bitterness, and resentment to deal with. I cannot fathom the anguish you’re experiencing, but please know that complete strangers are lifting you up in prayer.

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  61. Posted by Rebecca Fontaine on March 6, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Lisa –
    I have no words – just prayers. My two oldest children and I just laid hands on the picture of you, your husband and Jaxton and prayed for a miracle. I can’t imagine – my youngest daughter spent 5 weeks in the NICU after a very long 3 months stay in the hospital just to have her…I know how hard that time was for me and my family. I know it does not hold a flicker of a candle to what you all are goind through….But God did carry me through. He is there for you. We are praying hard for peace and a miracle.
    Love
    Rebecca and family

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  62. Posted by Kenna on March 6, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Lisa and Josh..you dont know me but my niece knew Josh and has kept me informed of Jaxton. I read your heartwrenching comment about how it doesnt seem fair the sacrifice Jaxton is going through to bring others closer to Christ. I lost my 2 and a half yr. old daughter in 1990..not with what Jaxton has but from a seizure disorder. It angered me so that MY loving God took my baby and she did bring others to Christ through her death and one being her paternal grandmother. However..I know the heartache you are going through and I pray that God isnt finished with your witness..it took me quite some time before I became not so angered about it. However..I know she is in heaven and is well. I am keeping you and Jaxton in my prayers…Monday may be a good day for you!! Blessings!!

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  63. Posted by MaryAnn Frist on March 6, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Lisa, My heart goes out to you. I sobbed bitter tears for you when I read your post tonight. I know there is NOTHING I can say to help. I am and will continue to pray you, your family and of course, Jaxton. As a mom, I don’t know how I would be handling what you are going through. I admire your courage and I admire your raw honesty. That’s not easy, especially when you know so many are watching you. You are strong and brave and God knows your heart and He knows your pain. We will be praying for you that our Lord God will show His might through this little life and give you a miracle to hold, to love and to watch grow.

    You are all being lifted in pray.

    In Christ’s love,

    MaryAnn

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  64. Posted by Christa Snyder on March 6, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Praying for you, Jaxton and Josh. Jaxton is a part of many of us now. It has always been hard for me to understand when life just is not fair. Lisa just remember, God’s everlasting love is with you and he will be with you no matter what happens. He understands your feelings and its okay to be real, that is who Jesus was, real with people. I’m praying for a miracle for Jaxton.

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  65. Posted by Joe and Sharon Snyder on March 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Our heartfelt love is with you. God Bless all of you.
    Sharon and Joe Snyder

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  66. Posted by Adri on March 6, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    Just sending many hugs. It’s ok – whatever you’re feeling. Our God is big enough to handle your feelings. He knows you better than anyone. There is no need to mask it. I know from your posts that you are well aware of God’s plan, strength, purpose . . . . . but, right now your human heart is breaking & not able to saturate that. Know that while you lay lifeless in these times, that we all will lift you up before our Lord. We will not stop! We will pray without ceasing on your behalf! From one mother to another . . .
    In your desperation, hide in the Lord! Seek refuge in the hem of His cloak! He is beside you – His mighty arms wrapped around you, Josh, Jake . . . . . and Jaxton!

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  67. Posted by Adri on March 6, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Thinking of you.

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  68. Posted by Adri on March 6, 2011 at 10:20 pm

  69. Posted by Leslie on March 6, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Lisa, As like most others I heard of your family through a friends post on facebook.
    I have a very soft spot in my heart with families facing the struggles of a special little one being sent to touch their lives. All experiences are different, I can understand your pain and the heartache you feel, I have a son who was born with a heart defect that ultimately claimed his short 5 week life. Blake would have been 11 yrs old this past summer. Your words ring so emotionally true. I know how the emotion comes in waves and you find yourself asking “Why me?” “Why my family?” “Why my son?” And the one thing I learned through my trial and my journey was…why not me? Why not my family? Why not my son?
    You have been intrusted with this beautiful gift because our Father in Heaven KNOWS you,He KNOWS Josh, and He KNOWS that you have a foundation and faith that is strong. Dont second guess yourself. Our life’s journey here is a walk of faith and it will be a trying walk of faith at times but the example was set for us by the Savior. If we but trust in Him He will guide us a direct us on the path to Him. Ultimately Jaxton’s life on this earth was for you to experience, its for you to learn from and for you to grow from. You will someday look back on these moments and see such growth and see that you have drawn so much closer not only to the Savior and our Father in Heaven but to Josh and your family. Jaxton will be your anchor he will be your goal. To return faithfully and diligently back to the home of our Father where we will have a clear understanding of all that we are and all that we may become.
    I have found great strength from my faith, and it is different than what you might believe but I do know that I will see my son again and I will be able to enjoy the blessings of having him again. Our Heavenly Father knows us…we are His children and has a love for us just as we love our children.
    And you my dear friend, you will be fine. You have been blessed to have this miracle in your life to feel of Jaxton’s love for you to have the honor of bringing such a beautiful child to this earth where he has felt your love and that maybe all that this precious little man needed. The lives he touches is a bonus, but he is here for you and your family. You will never feel closer to Heaven than you do while you are in Jaxton’s life right now! May comfort find you all and that you remember that you are a child of a Heavenly Father who loves you and that you and your family are loved by Him. *Hugs*

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  70. Posted by Erica Ramirez on March 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    You just keep faith we are all with you, and IF that time comes be strong and just remember you will see him again, like I say you are not saying goodbye, you are saying see you later. I know that this is a hard time for you, and do not feel selfish, every mother knows what that feels like you never want to let go of your child. We are all praying for you and Jaxton, hope that everything goes great on Monday.

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  71. Posted by Carl on March 7, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Lisa & Josh, we love you and pray for your family. Here are some verses for troubled times: “Jesus wept” – if the God of the universe can be overwhelmed with sorrow… Psalm 88 – one of only Psalms that simply cries out to God because life is tough. 1 Peter – a book about suffering. The last words of the dying Jesus in Mark are “My God, why have you forsaken me.” Continue pouring your honest, broken heart out to God. He can take it. My favorite Psalm is Ps 73 which seems to describe the process well: disorientation (things are horrible)-> reorientation (things may get better) -> orientation (I praise you). Don’t feel like to you have to rush to praise too quickly.

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  72. Posted by Laura on March 7, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Praying for your beautiful Jaxton and your family ❤

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  73. Posted by Laurie Chico on March 7, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Still…and always will be…holding your family up in prayer before a gracious, loving God. We may not (and do not!) understand His plan, but He sees it from the other side. Nothing I can say will make this easier. Just hold your precious baby close and love every moment you are graced with his presence.
    xoxox

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  74. Posted by Stephanie Howell on March 7, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Wow! What an inspiring story! My heart hurts for u and ur family, as this is sooo sad. Today I will be praying for baby Jaxton and ur family! God bless u all!

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  75. Posted by Ashley on March 7, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Praying for strength, wisdom, and healing for your family today. Here’s to a God who is mighty to save and an incredible baby!

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  76. Posted by Michelle on March 7, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Hi Husmann family! I came across your story and I just spent 2 1/2 hours reading everything from post 1 to your most current post. You both are so very amazing! I am not a very religious person, but I do believe in God. I believe that he has a plan for everything and everyone, even if we do not know what it is right away. I have not been through what you are going through and will not pretend to know even 1/4 of what you have felt. My heart goes out to you and your family! As to one of your posts, you wondered what non-religious people would do in your case? I can only talk for myself, and like I said, I am not a very religious person, but if I had to go through what you are going through, I would not terminate my pregnancy. I would rather have a few days or however long I could have with my child than not meet him or her at all. I will continue to read your blog because I am anxious to hear what happens with you and your family. I wish you all of the best!! Much love from Colorado Springs, CO!!

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  77. Posted by Jessica Law on March 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Dear Lisa,
    I have been following your family’s journey from Jaxton’s amazing birth. I was blessed to hear of him through a dear friend and please know that although you don’t know me, I have been praying for you unceasingly. Please know that while our stories are so different, I know the pain of losing a baby. My heart breaks for you. You are so brave and I am so proud of you for sharing your heart. Although we may want the Lord’s purpose done in our lives, it is the hardest thing to accept the cost being your beautiful child. You anger is very justified. God understands. That is still something I’m working on accepting for myself, but I do knoe that it is true. His heart is breaking for you as well. It pains Him to see us hurting, but please trust in Him. I will be praying non stop, especially for what may be the hardest day of your life. You may live a lifetime before He allows you to fully understand, but He will allow you to understand. I know words can hurt. I know the feeling of not caring and prefering to have your baby back. It’s okay to feel that. Of course you want your baby. It is the hardest thing to look through God’s eyes in such a tragedy. He will be your strength. He is quiet, but He is strong. He will be there. I know you’ve felt His peace throughout this and I know you will continue to feel it. Praying for comfort and healing, peace and strength. Praying He continues to pour His unending love on you.
    Love in Christ, Jess

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  78. Posted by Cathy on March 7, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Praying constantly for you.

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  79. Posted by traci on March 7, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Never apologize for your feelings, they are real and valid. Thinking of you all today and wishing you strength and peace.I cannot even imagine how you must feel May God bless you and your family

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  80. Posted by Sarah on March 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    A wise person once wrote “No matter what tragedy is taking place in a friend’s life, and no matter how little advice or comfort you have to offer, say something, rather than nothing.” This is me saying something, trusting that God’s the one in control. Praying hard for you and Josh and Jaxton. Blessings.

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  81. Posted by Elisa on March 7, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    I’ve been thinking about you guys all weekend. Lifting you up to the Father right now. Asking…well, at times I’m speechless before Him when I talk to him about Jaxton and your family. That You would be consoled by His Spirit in ways that are unexplainable. And continue to lie in His arms.

    Lisa, I think our Maker loves your honesty. He is one that never leaves us and is so Strong and secure and loving that He doesn’t mind it when we beat on His chest…He can take it. He and he alone knows your pain.

    On my knees and crying out with you.

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  82. I have been exactly where you are, and all I can say is to take one day at a time. (My daughter had T18)
    God will give you just what you need for that moment/day/week. He has given you an amazing gift, and through this pain he will do something great. He will give you peace, a peace that right now is hard to imagine. I am praying for this peace for you. Love that sweet boy, and please give him a snuggle from me, a stranger.

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  83. Posted by Karis on March 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    I’ve come to your blog fairly late in the game – just this Friday – but spent hours reading all the way from the beginning and catching up on your journey with Jaxton. Over the last 3 days, your family has never been far from my mind, my heart hurting for you and all that you have to deal with, and constantly in prayer for you. As I was reading about the journey for the last few months, I was (and am) astounded by your faith throughout. I cannot even begin to imagine the feelings and struggles and doubts that you must be experiencing. Thank you for sharing and let us journey and pray with you.

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  84. Posted by Starrie on March 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    Hi Lisa,

    I have been following your story and keep thinking about you and Jaxton a lot. I am not particularly religious but I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your little guy!

    Starrie

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  85. Posted by Crystal Smith on March 7, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Lisa, you and Josh and your dear sweet family have been in my prayers. I heard about your story from “The Baby Be Blessed” site. I know that how you feel right now is so full of deep emotion. You are right to express to God your hearts concern. He is always listening. I know it is so hard to understand why or for what reason this is all happening. God only knows and DOES have a purpose for everything. Hold tight to God’s word it is the key to your comfort and peace. I was reminded about Job and his reply to his wife after she told him to curse God and die. Due to the great loss he suffered from his possessions and all of his children. Job answered,”you are talking foolish, should we accept good from God and not trouble” Job 2:9-10. Although we know God is a loving and gracious God he does at times allow trouble to enter our lives. If only to strengthen our hearts and lives and relationship with HIM. I pray my dear sister that God does that for you and your sweet family. Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.”As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” I have personally witnessed a dear family’s loss of their newly born son’s death due to the fact he had no brain at all but just a brain stem. Although he was alive the entire time in his mother’s womb, b/c his brain was not present to tell the heart what to do he died shortly after birth. What I learned from that couple has taught me so much about Faith. That was 17 yrs ago. I myself experienced two miscarriages one at 18 weeks. Answers are desired but often God’s love,the comfort of prayers and HIS word make all the difference. In HIS Loving Kindness. A sister in Jesus and mother to 7 children, the oldest two with autism. G

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  86. Posted by Shirley on March 7, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    Hi Lisa, I can relate to this post. I too had to make a decision to let my child go. It will be 7 months on the 9th of this month. He wasn’t an infant however. He was 23 years old and had leukemia. He went into septic shock and was intubated and died in my arms. I understand how impotent you feel. I “get” the feeling of being angry when someone tells you that you are so strong. You are right. You don’t have a choice. And it sucks. It sucks a lot. I get being angry at God. I’m right there. My son was just blooming into manhood. He coached youth basketball and was attending college to be an attorney. He had his first “real” girlfriend who loved him and two brothers and two sisters who also adored him. He suffered for two years and he WAS an inspiration to many. It still doesn’t bring peace to me knowing that. It just upsets me even more. I’m sure you feel the same. Why bring a sweet baby here to earth and then yank him away? Why make him suffer during his short time here? I don’t get it and I don’t think I ever will. The one thing that has saved me so far has been Compassionate Friends. THEY are the only ones who “know” the utter disbelief and horror of losing a child. I have been following your story since my friend Kelly told me about you and your family. I will pray that you find some peace in the midst of all this sorrow.
    Hugs, Shirley Parks

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  87. You are entitled to be angry. Angry at this awful situation, angry God for talking your baby away from this earth. Be angry, God can take it. He knows your pain. He knows.

    I’m so very very saddened to hear Jaxton will be meeting Jesus soon. So very sad for you and your family.

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  88. Posted by Chris on March 7, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    Lisa-Bind the enemy from stealing the gift that God gave you and loose God’s glorious healing! Pray for God’s kingdom to come and his will be done! His son died so we could live! That is his will for Jaxton! Dont grow weary and keep believing God’s word, keep confessing it even when you feel other emotions.. The only time you give the enemy ground is when you voice unbelief.. Stand your ground and stand for victory! Jaxton is a fighter. You stand and watch the victory that Jesus died for!!! Love in Jesus!

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  89. Prayers for you. For your soul and your heart. And for your husband and for your family and your son.

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  90. Posted by elisabeth ballew on March 7, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    I pray everyday for baby jaxton and your family. Jaxton’s story has truly touched my heart. I have faith that he will beat all the odds. Please keep me updated on all of jaxtons progress.

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  91. Posted by Tami Rowles on March 7, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Even though I don’t know you and there is nothing anyone can say to take your pain away, I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers. The birth of a child is suppose to be a joyous time in a mother’s life, not heart ache and pain. You are taking a journey that no one else could ever understand. It is ok to be angry. God will understand and still love you.

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  92. Posted by Tom Lindemann on March 7, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    There are no words….. May God bless you and your family.

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  93. Posted by Jaime on March 7, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    My heart just breaks for you. I don’t know you but can’t image what kind of struggle you are going through. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I will pray for you to feel god’s presences in this time, to keep the devil at bay, and to give you peace that only god can give you. I think you being so honest is awesome. PPL think when you are a believer in Jesus that we don’t ever struggle. How wrong are they. I can’t say thank you for sharing your story because to tell you the truth I wish these things never happened . Then we wouldn’t have to share. Love on that sweet Jaxton! Always BELIEVE, ALWAYS PRAY, AND ALWAYS SHARE your feelings-good or bad. Please know if you don’t have the strength to pray, your pray warriors are praying for you. Jaxton is so lucky to have such a loving family. I asked god for patience today with my two wonderful kids. He brought me to your story. Needless to say what we were going through today was nothing. God showed me today.

    PRAYING ALWAYS!!!

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  94. Posted by Tanya on March 7, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    My son and I held hands and prayed for the Lord to have his will and restore Jaxton. We are healed by his strips. Say it, claim it!! My heart and tears for your pain are nothing to compare with what your going through. I believe the Lord will answer the prayers…he just wants us to believe it is so. God bless you and Jaxton.

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  95. Posted by Amanda Blake on March 7, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    I can understand what you are going through. I said goodbye to a daughter who was stillborn. My heart truly goes out to you. It helped me so much to have support from my family and friends. It was so amazing to me to see how many people loved my daughter, even though they never got to meet her. I have never in my life felt so loved. And it was the first time in my life that I felt God’s presence. I pray that you have the strength to get through this. And although it is hard to say goodbye, know that not everyone has their very own guardian angel. It is something so special that I am so proud of. My daughter changed my life and I know that Jaxton has changed yours and the lives of many others. Hang in there. I’ll be praying for you.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    “I realize then that we never have children, we receive them. And sometimes it’s not for quite as long as we would have expected or hoped. But it is still far better than never having had those children at all.” -My Sister’s Keeper

    Amanda Blake

    Reply

  96. Praying to the ONE who is in control. May He hold you close in His arms of love. Angelis Chevalier

    Reply

  97. Still praying.

    You can see the heartbreak in your eyes. You are smiling in the photo, but the pain is there. Praying for sweet Jaxton.

    Reply

  98. Posted by A friend at heart... on March 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Prayer of Parents for their Children

    O God, our heavenly father, Who lovest mankind, and art most merciful and compassionate, have mercy upon my son. Thy servant Jaxton, for whom I humbly pray Thee, and commend them to Thy gracious protection. Be Thou, O God, his guide and guardian in all he endeavors, lead him in the path of Thy truth and draw him near to Thee. Direct him in the way of salvation, for the merits of Thy Son, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the intercessions of His Holy Mother and Thy blessed saints. Amen

    Reply

  99. hi lisa i just want to tell you there are no words in this world to make you feel better but we will continue to pray for your family and specially for your little guy cant wait to have good news please keep us posted your friend ana gonzalez

    Reply

  100. Posted by Katrina on March 7, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    I will pray for his miracle and keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. You will always be in my heart.

    Reply

  101. Posted by Jenna K. on March 8, 2011 at 12:35 am

    This song by 1000 Generations “Fail Us Not” is such an honest and refreshing declaration of who God is amidst all of this, and all of our brokenness. It makes me hopeful. I didn’t know how to make the video actually appear on the blog comment, but here is the link to YouTube with it:

    Reply

  102. Posted by Jenna K. on March 8, 2011 at 12:40 am

    In case any of you can’t tell, this video is shot on the canal in Indianapolis.

    Reply

  103. Posted by Christina on March 8, 2011 at 1:14 am

    I’m so sorry Lisa, Josh, and Jake. Jarret and I are praying for you guys.

    Reply

  104. I wrote out the same words – that I don’t love people enough to sacrifice my daughter for their salvation. It is a hard truth but it is a truth, I am no Abraham and I didn’t want this story. There are no human words that can heal those sorts of heart wounds. And I know many things said in offer of comfort only pierce deeper when we’re in a place so raw. So I’ll just tell you that I am praying for your little one, so very much.

    All my love

    Reply

  105. Posted by Andrea Dunn on March 8, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Lisa, I live here in Indy and don’t know you but know the Vinalls (Shane was in our wedding). I am praying for you today. If you need anyting… meals, etc., please email me without hesitation. I am so so sorry for what you are having to live through. May the Lord be everything you need today and so much more.

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  106. Posted by Diana on March 8, 2011 at 9:16 am

    I’m praying continually for you, your family and especially sweet Jaxton. (HUGS)

    Reply

  107. I know right now this may mean nothing, but it will

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  108. Thank you, Lisa, for your honesty and vulnerability. Thank you, Lisa, Josh, Jacob, And Jaxton, for being members of The Family. For letting us rejoice with you and grieve with you, hope with you, and pray with you. So much love for your family because we are all members of His Family.

    Reply

  109. Posted by Connie on March 8, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Dear Josh and Lisa,
    My girls and I have been following your blog and have been praying and crying with you. Our hearts ache for all you’re dealing with. I am confident that God is hurting with you because he loves each of you so more than we can imagine. I am praying for his healing, guidance and heaps and heaps of comfort.
    Much love, Connie

    Reply

  110. Thanks for your honesty – you are all in my prayers

    Reply

  111. Lisa and Josh,
    Holding you guys in prayer this morning and close to my heart as I go through my days. Hurting with you and hoping with you,
    diane mann

    Reply

  112. Posted by KB on March 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Lisa, Josh…I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. Having lost an infant granddaughter…having been in the room when life-support was turned off…you have my prayers and empathy. I cannot say I understand what you’re going through. I don’t. I’ve never been in your position. I’ve never had to make those decisions about my own precious child. But the grief, the anguish…I understand some of that. I felt like a walking, gutted wound for a long, long time. Part of me wanted to scream, “Don’t you understand?!? My granddaughter just died! Our world just collapsed! How can you just go on living like nothing happened???” But they could and did…and slowly, so did I. I won’t pretend to understand why God took our precious Jasmine home…but I have to trust that He knew what He was doing. There isn’t a day…an hour…a minute…a breath…that I don’t miss her more than life itself. March 18th will be the two year anniversary of her death. It seems like yesterday…and a century ago. Lean on Christ. Talk to Him. Cry. Yell. He’s big enough to take it. But know that He’s crying with you. And know that if you have to take Jaxton off of life-support, Jasmine will be up there keeping Jaxton company, showing him the ropes. Take care, God bless, and feel free to email me.

    Reply

  113. Posted by Jodi on March 8, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I’ve written before but just want to know I check your blog throughout the day. I share your tears, and I feel like my heart is breaking as well and I don’t even know you or your family. As a mom that went through pregnancy complications and the birth of my son 2.5 months early and severly small (1 pound 5 ounces) my heart never forgets what could have been.

    I’m now pregnant with my second, and have again come across some complications where I may possibly be going down the same path. We’ve always said we’d never terminate that ever child is a gift, and listening to the song you posted “what it means to be loved” is exactly why. Reading your story and cheering everyday Jaxton makes it, knowing you and you family get that much more time to show him what it means to be loved. It’s what I aim to do. You have given me newfound strength during this time of unknown. What I do know is that no matter how long I have with this baby, I will do everything in my power to show this child what it means to be loved.

    Thank you for sharing. I’m still praying for you and your family. Jaxton is a hero in my mind and in my heart and I will never forget what you and your family have taught me. Thank you

    Jodi Mogel

    Reply

  114. Posted by Jessica Hunt Byram on March 8, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    Words could never express how you are feeling, and how I am feeling for you. Josh, we met years ago at the Sweet Shoppe in Union City when I worked there as a waitress, I still live in UC and I am friends with Gina Francis Ferguson, and that is how I heard your story. The pictures of your family are beautiful and you should be a very proud dad/husband and I can tell you are. I have prayed everyday for you and for your family. I will continue to pray for the strength and the loyalty to God that I know you will need to continue on your family’s life past. May God continue to bless you and your family in MANY ways those you recognize and those you do not!

    Psalm 55:22
    Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.

    Reply

  115. I feel sometimes you feel the most from someone with few words…I pray for you, Jaxton and family everyday. I’m so sorry.

    Reply

  116. Posted by Teresa on March 8, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Praying, checking your blog hoping with all the hope that can only come from Him…

    Reply

  117. Lisa and Josh. Praying. Crying for you right now. Love you guys.

    Reply

  118. Posted by MaryAnn Frist on March 8, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Lisa and Josh, You are being lifted in prayer. Our thoughts have been on you throughout the day.

    May God’s peace be upon you.

    Reply

  119. Posted by cami snyder on March 8, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    “PEACE – it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart”
    May God’s peace overwhelm your very souls.

    Reply

  120. Posted by Amber Wyatt on March 8, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    I am so sorry you are going through this — there are no words. We lost our sweet son to T18 at 18 weeks. I can’t say that I know what you are feeling, as we did not get to meet our son alive, but please know that I am praying for you. May God bless you and keep you.

    Reply

  121. Posted by Mischa on March 9, 2011 at 10:05 am

     Psalms 61:1-4 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever: I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah. For thou, O God, hast heard my vows: thou hast given me the heritage of those that fear thy name.

    Reply

  122. Posted by Emily on March 9, 2011 at 11:09 am

    My thoughts and prayers have been consumed of your family. You don’t know me but a friend shared your blog on facebook a few days before Jaxon was born. My heart breaks for you and the Lord has even been waking me up in the middle of the night to pray for you. I can only imagine what your past few days have been like and I have begging God for a miracle and then begging him for an immense amount of peace for your family if that miracle doesn’t come. Just know you are being surrounded by prayers and love from people all over the country. God bless you, your family, and your precious miracle baby.

    Reply

  123. Posted by Amber Grasse on March 9, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    I admire your ability to remain faithful to our Lord. I miscarried 6 times before I delivered my Maycee and I did not put my faith into Him, instead I was angry and yelled everyday at Him. I didn’t just have moments. You are a far better woman than I. Praying Jaxton’s co2 levels will be so much better on Monday when the test is done again.

    Reply

  124. Posted by Laura on March 9, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Thinking of you and your family and praying for your peace.

    Reply

  125. Posted by Amanda on March 9, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Lisa and Josh,

    I heard your story through the babycenter.com posting. I read your entire blog from the beginning of this journey up until now. It took all I had not to cry (was reading it at work.) I have been keeping your family in my daily prayers and passed your story on to others who are Christians as well and whom are praying for you too. It breaks my heart to read your words, but I admire your ability to speak your truth. I belive that God wants us to bear our souls, to tell him exactly how we feel and what we want, He doesn’t think we are being selfish when we ask Him for help. I think it is perfectly justified for you to be angry, no need to apologize for that. God understands our weaknesses. I love that you have shared your family’s story and no matter how “sacrificial” if may seem, you have done a good thing here-I know I have witnessed faith and strength in your words and actions and gained a valuable perspective on God’s love for us.
    Allow yourself to be sad, angry, hurt and any other feelings you have – it is the only way to heal. I pray that God will comfort and heal your family. Love to you.

    Reply

  126. Your family is heavy on my heart and has been. Praying for you all.

    Reply

  127. Posted by Geri on March 9, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Lisa and Josh – You don’t know me, but my daughter, Diane DuBransky, asked me to pray for you. When I read your note about handing Jaxton to the nurse and anticipating how it will feel to do it for the last time, I knew I had to let you know how it feels from the other side. I work as an RN in a high risk pregnancy area of a hospital. We occasionally have moms who have suffered a loss. I have to tell you this: we cry with you. We cry outside your room. We cry when we take your baby. We cry when we go home. We prepare your baby that last time with all the dignity and respect we wish for our own babies. Those of us who are believers pray over them. Those who are not believers wish them a safe speedy journey. We don’t understand why these things happen, why God would choose to allow it, but it happens. I will continue to pray for a miracle for you and your family. You are not alone. Your sister in Christ – Geri

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  128. Posted by kylee on March 9, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    I feel for you.I lost my second daughter at 24 weeks due to preeclampsia.my first daughter was born at31weeks.you are so correct when you compare your experience to an accidental teen pregnancy or someone who doesn’t want kids.i feel the same way.we won’t know why our lives unfolded the way it did until the end of time…but I’m sure there is a reason just not one that is a good one right now. Try and join support groups online with parents that have went through what you are going through.that seemed to help me a bit to feel like I’m not alone.sending prayers your way at this difficult time in your baby’s life.please contact me if I can be any help to you.

    Reply

  129. Lisa,

    Reading your thoughts breaks my heart for you as a Mommy. I was in similar situations to this last July/August with my daughter. I would have been so angry with someone for sending me a message saying that they know what I am going through, or had lost a child. What did I care who they had lost? That sure wasn’t doing anything to bring Gaby back to me, let me hold her one more time, let me smell her sweet smell, let me see her grow. NO one could feel the pain that I feel. But when you are ready and need someone that doesn’t even know you or any more of your story than is shared here in print, please read this as I feel God wants me to share it with you. What is the point of my pain if I don’t use it?

    Jesus healed your precious son completely today. If you have questions or worries about anything that went on in those last moments, believe that. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DID AS HIS PARENTS, JAXTON’S LIFE AND DEATH WERE NEVER IN YOUR HANDS AT ALL. THEY WERE ALWAYS IN THE HANDS OF THE FATHER AND HE WAS PREPARING YOU FOR WHAT WAS TO COME DURING THOSE DAYS IN THAT HOSPITAL this past few weeks. I would say this to myself over and over as I thought of my last moments holding Gaby. Of watching her fight for her last breath off that stupid ventilator and in my arms. Watching her enter the presence of Jesus. Those are not moments that we as parents ever dream of, but they are precious at the same time. They are not moments we want to believe God has designed us for. But yet, His ways are higher. Throughout it all, even yelling and anger and depressing dispair, please cling to Him. I so often wanted to ignore His presence. I would tell Jesus to stop talking to me…like that is even possible. He hadn’t saved Gaby. He didn’t have any right to try and comfort me for a loss that He could have prevented. He had given me this daughter, let me love her and be her mommy for 4 months and then He was going to have the nerve to take her back. But I would quickly remind myself there is loss and sadness every minute in this world, in hospitals all over, so much brokenness and grief and so many going through it without HOPE at all. And just because God had never sent such pain into my life before didn’t mean that He loved me any less now. As a matter of fact, losing a child turns your life into this EPIC story. Do not mistake me, I would do and give anything to change the end of Gaby’s story. I DO NOT care that her life changed others lives. As a Mom, I would want her here and all those people’s lives that were changed could rot in Hell for all I care. Seriously, those are thoughts that go through my mind even today. But as a daughter of Christ, I trust in Him even when I am angry and do not get His ways. That is life now, a constant balance and unbalance between knowing He is GOD and yet wanting what I want. I don’t want to be a statistic. Don’t want to be one of those people that others look at and say oh, what a story. She is so strong. That is so sad. I want to go back to my easy life where all my kids are healthy and here and amazing. And then the flip side of that is that I would never want to not know Gaby. I would have lived every day of the rest of my life in a hospital even though I hate hospitals…today still brings such pain everytime I step into one anywhere in the country. But easy isn’t what God called me too. It wouldn’t be very nice of me to throw a temper tantrum when I don’t get my way and then love God and follow Him when I do. I know that isn’t the faith I want to have. Your faith is being tested. God wants you, but so does our ENEMY. God wants this loss to bring you closer to Him for all the rest of your life. ANYTHING church related, God related, Life related will remind you of your precious son. I have been so uncomfortable worshipping Jesus this past year. Every time I am singing of His love, His grace, His peace I am filled with such a mess of emotions. But those emotions make faith so much more REALMakes me want to crawl away, hide, not go to places that I will feel like that. But when I want to hide, I make myself go. Make myself open my Bible and let him speak to me.

    There will be joy again, but that joy will be shadowed with this grief every day for the rest of your life here on earth. Your perspective on loss will grow and change as He molds your heart and life. But you will never forget and never move on and anyone that tells you that you will doesn’t understand the love of a mother and child that was been lost.

    I pray you will walk through every step of this loss with your eyes wide open and feel it all. I hate that we have this thing in common and that when I read your thoughts I can flip to my blog or journal and find the exact words written in my past. I hate that God chose to heal Jaxton in this way. But I love Him and love that He heals…heals Jaxton and heals your family.

    My other four children have grown in God’s grace so much over this year. Sure didn’t want my kids to be those kids dealing with the death of a sibling. Questioning God and heaven and all the rest of it. But it matures them so quickly. Gives them an eternal perspective more than any lesson or Bible verse we could teach them. Opens up a lifetime of teaching moments for me as their mom to teach them about Jesus and His ultimate plan and His love for Gaby.

    Please know that this mommy is praying for you. Broken for you. Grieves with you. Even though it doesn’t do anything…it is all I can do.

    Reply

  130. Thank you for being brave enough to be so honest.In that way, you are very strong. God values and welcomes your honesty. May you be surrounded with grace and comfort during this incredibly difficult time.
    Shannon Bobo

    Reply

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