My 10/10 moment … 28 week Ultrasound!

10 weeks ago we found out about Jaxton’s conditions: Trisomy 13, Holoprosencephaly, Omphalocele, Single Artery Umbilical. It was a perfectly planned pregnancy up until that point.

10 weeks from now our lives will be completely changed forever. This is me purposefully  surrendering my heart, life and Jaxton for the next 10 weeks.

 

Lately I have been struggling with the balance between “believing in the supernatural while preparing for the natural.” – Thank you Jessica Whitmore for helping me find these perfect words! I feel privileged to have the knowledge of his circumstances and be able to have the time to find very special items for Jaxton’s funeral/burial if that is the chosen route for him, but also trying not to get consumed in it. I was tending to bend the balance towards the preparing side of the spectrum. I guess after the 8 week ultrasound where nothing changed I headed toward the negative side and just assumed this is just what is going to happen and gave up on God.

I was telling Josh my feelings about the disappointment of the last ultrasound with no change for the better and sadly these words came out of my mouth “I am so disappointed with God. He had 8 weeks to have helped him. I trusted him. HE HAD HIS CHANCE!” At this point I was thinking screw him! While venting and talking with Josh he was able to bring me out of a stooper that I had subsequently dug myself in. He simply said “He’s not dead yet.”…  That’s all it took. I thought about it and you know what… He’s right! HE IS STILL ALIVE!!!! 🙂  HUGE SMILE!

The other morning, my subtly shifting negative view was challenged when a teeny tiny snowflake landed on my black sweater. I could see it’s shape and form so clearly. Call me crazy but I had never “looked” at a snowflake before. ❄ ❄ ❄ Maybe because I’m a Southern California girl, but I honestly didn’t know that a snowflake really was like you see them on cards, ornaments and wrapping paper. It really was that unique and beautiful. Then I looked in my backyard and saw the 5″ deep snow that had just dumped down and now it just looked like one big blanket. No way to possibly see an individual flake, but yet God created that tiny little flake to be as gorgeous as can be. What a complex God we serve! I am so humbled. He does care about the small things. Even when we fail to notice how great he is, he still chooses to be wonderful in all his glory.

Look at a our beautiful little snowflake growing inside me!

Sleeping baby with Umbilical cord on his shoulder.His feet and the omphalocele.

Sucking his thumb with his eyes open.

Look at how much he has changed! This was his 18 week ultrasound:

I am ASKING God a BIG thing. Not big for him, but big for me.

On 12/7/10 We prayed, anointed and laid hands on our special child committing him to God.

This is my 10/10 moment…

God,

I come to you embarrassed about how I could so quickly point the finger at you and doubting you for not healing Jaxton in the time frame I gave you. I am ashamed to admit the little faith that I had after not seeing “proof” that you in fact do work miracles. It felt so much easier to just accept our fate and move on. I have known you for many years and you have always provided for me with so many things… even too many to list and yet so quickly I forget all that you have done for me in the past. I have come to my breaking point and want to turn back to you 100%. I mean with ALL my heart again like I used to.

This is my 10/10 moment and I give you this incredibly beautiful and special child growing with in me to do as you wish. I proudly know he has already been expanding and glorifying your Holy Name. What an honor it is to be his mother. He is your son as well as mine. I am simply going to state the situation and let you deal with it as you choose: Multiple doctors have told us that Jaxton has Trisomy 13 symptoms, Holoprosencephaly, Omphalocele and Single Artery Umbilical. I look at him and see perfection as do you. Jaxton is already a miracle! You know my heart. You have heard my prayers. He is your creation and he reflects your power.

So with 10 weeks to go… I hand it over to you. My palms are up to praise you and submit to you. My knees are bent to praise you and humble myself to you. My head is bowed to revere you and submit to you. These 10 weeks and the rest to come are forever yours.

 

A HUGE thanks to Castleton 4D we are able to go as many times as we want to see Jaxton. They are so gracious, kind and understanding with us in this time.

 

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13 responses to this post.

  1. Jaxton looks beautiful in his new photos – I’m so glad you get to spend more time seeing him now 🙂
    We’re still praying for a miracle for him, but trusting God’s will to be best despite our ideas. I love your updates, you are such an encouragement. Prayers and hugs to you all.

    Reply

    • Yeah, isn’t it crazy to know that he is in there when you take pictures of him! The lady at the 3D/4D place is SO NICE! She made it very clear for us to come when ever we want! I may have to take her up on that and see him once a week to get my little Jaxton fix. 🙂

      Reply

  2. This is so beautiful Lisa. I have been having the same issue with God. I was so grateful for everything I had/have in my life, and then Jacob died and I was just angry at God. Everything else flew out the window because my baby died and He didn’t do anything to stop it. I still struggle with this daily. My Mom pointed out that God may have made the situation as easy on me as possible. I found out that Jacob died at a regular prenatal appointment, which was across the street from the hospital. I had an ultrasound within 40 minutes and was admitted right away. My family was nearby, except for one sister who came home to Toronto from New York and didn’t have an easy journey, but she made it. My doctor was wonderful, my nurses were wonderful, and Jacob’s eyes were open when he was born even though it was too early and they shouldn’t have been. I could have gone into labour somewhere else, waited in the ER for hours and then had uncaring doctors and nurses.

    That has helped me to not be so angry at God. But I still don’t pray as much as I used to…not even close. I talk to Jacob instead. It got even worse when my 2nd and 3rd pregnancies ended at 5 and 10 weeks respectively, both within 6 months of losing Jacob.

    I didn’t mean to go on about me so much here, but I just want you to know how much your post about struggling with God has touched me. Someone I know wrote that they had the same God before they walked into the ultrasound room as they did when they walked out with horrible news.

    Hoping and praying that God creates a miracle for you all. If not, I’m so glad that you have all of this special time with Jaxton. He can feel your love every second of every day.

    Have you read the book “I Will Carry You” by Angie Smith. She carried her baby girl for as long as she good with a bad diagnosis. It is a wonderful book and your situations are very similar.

    Thinking of you, your husband and your 2 beautiful boys.

    Reply

  3. Your son is beautiful. Thank you for sharing these very special ultrasound pictures with all of us. Your post was very moving, so heartfelt and really brought me to tears.

    I’m just another stranger praying for Jaxton, but know that his story has deeply touched my heart.

    Reply

  4. Posted by Rhonda Fields on December 8, 2010 at 11:26 am

    I am thinking of you always and keeping you wrapped in prayer. May God bless you and your beautiful family.

    Reply

  5. Posted by David Wilkinson on December 8, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Hi Lisa, praying for you. Thanks for sharing. Your faith is encouraging. May God be magnified!
    -David Wilkinson

    Reply

  6. Posted by Just Guillermo on December 8, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    You are such an inspiration for both Irasema and me! Thank you for your absolutely God inspired blog. The tears we shed when reading it are a balsam to our hearts and bring us closer to Him. There is no doubt that the Lord is using you in absolutely incredible ways to transform other people’s life. God bless you forever!

    Reply

  7. Posted by Connie Burroughs on December 8, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    Lisa,
    I’m praying for you all. I know you will be blessed for opening your heart and allowing God to be at work in you. Your faith will never be the same (in a good way). I also know that your sharing your heart is a blessing to many others who are dealing with hardships or who need a change of perspective.
    Love and prayers for you all.
    Connie Burroughs

    Reply

  8. Beautiful honesty! Hold on to faith and hope and trust!

    And I’m glad my words touched your heart! 🙂

    Jessica

    Reply

  9. Posted by Rebecca on December 9, 2010 at 3:05 am

    I want you to know that I am praying for you and your son! I hope you dont mind but I posted your story on my facebook in hopes to get many more prayers for Jaxton (what a beautiful name). I once lost a baby and the doctor simply told me that there was nothing I could do but pray and God would make the right decision for me. She was very right. I will continue to pray for you and your baby. Please continue to have the great outlook on life that you do, it will see you through.

    Reply

  10. […] Resources for Trisomy Parents « My 10/10 moment … 28 week Ultrasound! […]

    Reply

  11. Lisa,
    I’m Leslie, and I found your blog tonight when I typed “holoprosencephaly” in WordPress. I do the search from time to time to read what’s being said about HPE on blogs. I don’t know if you realize this, but I am one of the founding directors of Families for HoPE, Inc., which is a nonprofit organization serving families whose lives have been affected by Holoprosencephaly. Families for HoPE serves families around the globe, but our organization is based out of Indianapolis.

    Like you, I had a prenatal diagnosis of my son’s HPE. As I read through your blog, I was struck by your comment about “snowflakes”. I wanted to share this link with you because it is something I wrote about snowflakes following Sammy’s HPE diagnosis. http://sammyyammy.com/snowflakes.html

    I know that this is a very difficult and uncertain time for you, and I wanted to let you know that I’d be more than happy to meet you sometime or talk with you by phone if you’d like.

    Leslie Harley

    Reply

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