To my 3 boys…

Dear Jaxton,

Hey sweet boy, I was just wanting to write you and remind you again of how much I am loving you. I have been praying for you and your complete healing, but also knowing that God already has both of our lives in his hands. He already knows how many days you have with us and I trust in his plan. He knows the depths of my love for you. He is forming every single cell in your body and has told your heart to keep beating. He is a good God. He comforts me in my times of desperation. He knows that I beg for you. He already KNOWS you and LOVES you far more than I could ever imagine that I even could. This makes me smile and this makes me sad. As your mommy I can only carry you, love you, and nurture you. I can not choose the rest.

Auntie Mimi and I are trying to get a special Baby Be Blessed Lamb for you with this very special verse that gives me strength that God is in control and is loving both you and me through all of this. He has not forgotten us. He is WITH us!

Psalms 139: 13-16

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Dear Jacob,

My dear son who I grow to love more and more everyday. Oh Jake, you are so special to me! You are the best part of my day. I look forward to seeing you every morning and hearing you say “Good Morning!” and every night when we give a kiss and tell each other “See you in the morning.”  You light up my life and make me smile just thinking about you. Your kisses are so precious and they make me melt. Do you know that you have me wrapped around your finger?  🙂 I bet you do!  I love being able to have been there for all of your milestones. Every single one! I have seen you cry, smile, roll over, walk, had your first tear, your first hurt, stitches, and so many more. We love singing songs, playing hide and go seek and dancing together! I miss you when your napping, but I won’t lie I enjoy the rest time. You have more energy than any kid I know. I can’t get over how smart you are. Your not even 2 and you can count up to 20 and say your alphabet! This is probably normal, but to me I think you got your daddy’s smarts. You are a dream come true to daddy and I and you have been such a trooper through this time in our family. I know you probably won’t remember any of this, but I want you to know that just looking at you through all the sorrow I’m going through with Jaxton makes me enjoy how precious and valuable you are. You give me strength and drive. Jake, I can’t even explain how much I love you with every cell in my being. We get to share our lives together and for that I am so incredibly blessed! I LOVE YOU so much!!!!

Here is a verse for you:

1 Samuel 1:26-26
“As surely as you live, my lord, I am the woman who stood here beside you praying to the LORD. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.”


Dear Josh,

Hi my Love! Can you believe that we have come this far together? Almost 4 years of marriage and now 2 kids. You are the man of my dreams. A man more than I deserve and more that I ever imagined. You compliment me in so many ways and I love how we are a perfect pair. You know just how to make me smile. With everything going on, you have carried the burden in all the areas I had dropped. You have kept us strong and together. You have sacrificed in so many ways that showed you care so deeply for me and our family. I don’t always show my full love or appreciation for you. At times it is hard. Sometimes I hold a grudge against you for not fully feeling what I am going through, for not being on my emotional level or expressing your feelings as openly as I do. I have been bitter at you the nights when I am sobbing all by myself on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth and crying out to God and you are just sleeping or watching TV totally oblivious to some of my pain. I expect you to feel what I feel, breakdown like I breakdown, sob like I sob. I am so sorry for holding things against you and having expectations that are unrealistic. I can’t promise you that  these feelings will instantly go away, but I am working on understanding your view being the Daddy. I can’t punish you for not feeling all the sorrow I feel. I’m sorry. Thank you for letting me be home with our sons all day and giving me the opportunity to raise them and be a good mother to them. I can not thank you enough for filling my dreams in this area. You have been such a Godly man, husband and father. I could not have asked for a better man to be the father of our sons! You love me unconditionally and I am so humbled by it. You inspire me.

I believe God has strengthened our marriage through all this and has given us the strength we need in each other. We know this road isn’t going to be easy, but I’m glad I’m traveling it with you! You have my heart!

LOVE YOU!!!!!

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Brian on December 3, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Thank you for your transparency, Lisa.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Mariel on December 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Lisa,
    I have been praying for you and Jaxton daily. I found your blog through another that I follow. I just wanted to say that I can totally relate to the feelings you are having towards your husband. My husband and I had our 4th child, a son, 7 months ago. During my 20 week scan the doctor discovered he had a cleft lip and palate. At that time they suggested we have additional testing done (amnio, etc) because they thought he may have other “lethal syndromes” as they called them. We decided not to do any testing since it would only endanger the baby and wouldn’t change what already was. For the next 20 weeks I cried, prayed, and yelled daily. My husband on the other hand, was worried, but never seemed to think about it and rarely said a word about what might happen to our baby. There were days where I understood his feelings and then there were days where I just couldn’t understand how he could seem so heartless and uncaring. When I think rationally about it I realize that he loved our baby just as much as I did, but he dealt with his feelings differently than I did. I believe its just how God made us. The men are the strong leaders of the family. Thinking back to it I now realize that my husband sobbing on the floor beside me would have only made things harder. I needed him to be strong for me and he needed me to lean on him and make him feel like he was helping in the only way he could. So don’t feel guilty for how you are feeling right now. It will change from day to day and none of your feeling are wrong. Lean on your friends, family, and God. I will continue praying for the miraculous healing of your sweet baby boy. God truly blessed us and our son was born with only what was detected on ultrasound and nothing more. God already has a plan for Jaxton, but I will continue to pray that it is a life with your wonderful family that he has in store.

    Reply

  3. Lisa,
    I am praying in earnest for you. I appreciate your honesty and cried at the depth of your pain… knowing that pain first hand myself… My husband and I grieved the death of our son so differently… even now 2 years later. Yet at the same time, he has been so patient with me, a rock for our family, and His faith so strong… when I had soooo many questions and wrestling matches with the Lord. Your love for your hubby is so evident and I am praying that this will trial will draw you closer to each other and HIM! Praying for our Lord to sustain and carry you… and for a miracle for sweet little Jaxton…
    Sara

    Reply

  4. Posted by Amy on December 4, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Lisa………. I am speechless. I check you website all the time and read your journey…. and I cant even begin to imagine your pain,and sarrow…. I sit here and cry not knowing what to say….But I just want you to know that I THINK of You often, I PRAY for you daily…and I want you to know that you are LOVED. Your strength amazes me…
    Amy

    Reply

  5. Posted by Joyce on December 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Gee, those are three of my favorite guys, too! 🙂 It warms my heart to know that you love them as much as I do. They are SO lucky to have YOU at the center of each of their lives. Love you!

    Reply

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