24 weeks // My Plea to God

Hey mommy’s little bug!

You are 24 weeks today! Congrats on hanging in there. I’m so very proud of you my son.

Lately, I have been thinking about all of the things we have already done together and the places you have traveled to.

You have been to a Notre Dame game, Trick or Treating with Jake, a few plane rides, on bike rides around the neighborhood, a 4th of July parade in CA., oh the list goes on and on…

States you’ve been too already: California, Indiana, Chicago Illinois (ok it was for a lay over, but i’m gonna count it!), Texas, Ohio… Soon you will be in Tennesee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Alabama, and New Orleans Louisiana! You are a well traveled little man!

We are enjoying every moment with you already because we love and cherish this time we get to have with you.

Tonight we are getting maternity pictures taken. I know it’s early, but the Doctors just don’t know how much longer you will be with us. I am honored to have found a photographer who does charity photos for special families like ours. Yes, you make our family special 🙂    http://www.jessicajohnstonphotography.com   She is going to capture the moments of our family together. Mommy & Daddy and our 2 very wonderfully LOVED sons.  Not quite sure how I am going to hold up during this photo shoot because for some reason it is making me cry right now………… Maybe because I hope this won’t be the last family photo we take, ………… maybe because I don’t want to accept that you might leave us, ………… or maybe because our family just won’t be complete with out you.

If you could just know that I am begging you to fight to hold on, I am crying to God for you to be the Miracle this world has been waiting for, You are the miracle I have been waiting for!

It’s painful to imagine my future knowing that we will always wonder what could have been with you in our lives. An empty stocking on the mantle with your name only filled with love and so many tears, ……. a date on the calendar that is your birthday/getting your wings day, but to everyone else it’s just another day, ……. being thankful for you during Thanksgiving, but always wishing you were still here, ……. watching other kids who would be about your age grow-up wondering what you’d be doing, ……. Christmas presents under the tree, but none could be the greatest gift which would be seeing you, ……. Knowing as time goes by that others will forget you, but you will always be my son. I will never forget.

(Needing to wipe my eyes, blow my nose and catch my breath)

Mommy loves you soooo much.

Sometimes I have to go back and read my own blog posts to remind myself that God is in control. I have to regain my strength and get recharged in the fact that I know the Lord has you in his hands. No matter how long or short your life is all you will know is LOVE. We have and will love you forever. We will never cease mentioning you as part of our family.

Dear God, this is my son who I am yearning to raise and love and adore. I am not ready to tell you that this is OK and that I am releasing him to you. I’m NOT ready. Just know I am fighting you on this and praying for you to make him healthy and to LIVE! I love you so much and our journey has come far through this, but I am still going to hold on as long as I can. I know you will love me through this time and show me your tender mercy and for that I am thankful. Thank you for listening to me while I question your ways, while I cry out to you and while I have lack in faith. I know you CAN heal Jaxton, but WILL you??? I am begging you with all my strength to consider my prayers of healing for Jaxton. I want the chance to know his favorite color! I want to sing with him, dance with him, laugh with him. I want the chance to watch football games together. I want to play in the snow and tell him to put on a jacket. I want to know the foods he loves and the foods he hates, the music he likes, Is he good at sports or music, math or reading? I WANT THE CHANCE! Give me the chance Lord!  This isn’t coming across as humble. More demanding really. God Forgive me. This is raw uncensored me.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Lisa, My heart goes out to you… I can somewhat relate… our son Samuel was stillborn full term at 40 weeks due to a cord accident in Oct 2008. We just celebrated his 2 years in heaven just 2 weeks ago. I carried him, thinking we would raise him, so I never had to think at all about all the things that you are thinking about now. I relate though to all the questions and wrestling with God so to speak… my Dad always said, it is ok to wrestle with it all, but that I wouldn’t win:) It is such a journey, a forever journey for the heart of a mother.

    Lisa, I will be praying for healing for your boy, for comfort and peace for you heart for each day ahead. Praying you have many many more weeks and months and even years with that little guy! My prayers are with you!
    Sara

    Reply

  2. Thank you all for your continued prayers for our family and Jaxton! The emotions are like a roller coaster – some days I am ok (those are the days I am too busy to ponder) Other days like yesterday and last night are just excruciating!

    This post was never meant to go in the direction it did… It was just going to be a Dear Jaxton… Then I fell apart. Thanks for the SUPPORT! It has really got me through these days.

    I cannot thank you enough,
    Many Blessings to you all!
    Lisa

    Reply

  3. Your thoughts are exactly how I felt last January when I found out about my daughter..I wanted God to heal her, knew he could, but wasn’t sure he actually would..You feel numb..how can that baby who is so alive inside of you have something so terribly wrong? You are doing exactly what I did in just loving every single day you have with your child. Every single day was a blessing. I continue to pray for Jaxton’s healing and for your family because what you are going through is not easy at all. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through and it still is unfortunately very raw for me..I can remember writing my blog posts with tears streaming down my face, and it was almost difficult to read what I had written..Two of my friends were due within days of Aubree’s due date..every time I see those girls I can’t help but think of her..what she would have looked like, what she would have been able to do, etc. I can tell you that this is not an easy thing to go through, but it does make you stronger..The song “Your Hands” by JJ Heller really helped me through my darkest days..Keep your chin up..Your faith is inspiring..

    Reply

  4. Posted by melody doo on November 11, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    hey lisa!
    Raw and unsensored is how it should always be when we’re pouring our hearts out to God!
    I just wanted to say, don’t give up and keep believing that God can and will hear your cries.
    Your blogs remind me of the psalms.. how honestly and desperately david called out to God, and how his assurance was in a God, mighty to save him from ANY circumstance.. and more than that, A God who wanted to rescue, redeem, and BLESS.
    I know the odds are against you, but my constant prayer has been one of hope for Jaxton. I do believe that God will be SO glorified if HE chooses to heal Jaxton. (I believe He already has been). I pray believing that doctors, friends, even strangers will be touched and brought to salvation through Jaxton’s miracle.
    I’m praying with my mustard seed faith. I want Jaxton’s story to be known as one where mountains were moved and everyone was left in absolute awe of our God 🙂

    Love you guys.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Tiffany on November 11, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Oh Lisa I wish I could hug you right now. Crying with you. Pleading with God for your chance. To heal sweet Jaxton.

    Reply

  6. Posted by bigbholla on November 13, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Jesus – For your glory, according to your power and might, I ask you to bless the Josh, Lisa, and Jake with a completely healthy baby Jaxton. Your ability in healing is not a question.

    I ask you to speak to Lisa right now as I write this, by your Holy Spirit, so tenderly that she feels what it feels like to be comfortable by Divinity. May she experiences your mercies that are new every morning.

    I ask you to encourage Josh as he leads his family and hurts with Lisa through this process, ever increasing his hope in your ability to accomplish the impossible.

    I ask you to use Jake, for he is a little guy with the faith that you call all adults to pursue after. May he whisper your words of encouragement to Josh and Lisa during this time. And as he hugs his brother (via Lisa’s stomach), may those two be brought closer than any set of brothers have been before.

    All for your glory. Thank you for your faithfulness.

    Husmanns – You are dearly loved.

    Reply

  7. Posted by Newmommy2b on November 14, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Lisa,
    You do not know me but your family’s story has reach deep into my soul. We are expecting our 1st child March 12th, 2011 (23 weeks as of Saturday 11/13/2010) and the doctors still don’t know I conceived as I have endometriosis, Polycystic ovary syndrome and have been in remission from a bout with cervical cancer since 2007, but God is a God of faith not of science, and since becoming pregnant all of my health issues have gone away, our journey has been a miracle. Everyday I ask the Lord to bless us with a healthy baby (we are being surprised so we don’t know the sex of our baby) our pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly so far and for that I am grateful. I was completely unaware of a lot of things that parents have had to struggle through, but you by far are the strongest. They say God never puts more on you than you can handle and I know at times I’ve questioned that…but there is no doubt in my mind that God is working through you and baby Jaxton. I have not been able to stop crying since reading your blog and I just want you to know that my family will be praying for your families journey as well. ***Lord, I beg of you to keep baby Jaxton in your arms, wrap him up in your healing blanket Lord, allow him to bless this world with his angelic presence, Lord I am asking for a miracle for this family, I am asking that you show your strength and glory Lord to this family that needs you as you did with mine, I Jesus’ name I pray…Amen***

    Reply

  8. Josh and Lisa,
    To say that I’m in awe of your raw emotions is an understatement. Lisa, I’ve known you for many years and can honestly say that even though I hasn’t known you super well your loving happy and joyful personality has stuck out to me the most. Your ability to pour your heart out to God here is inspiring and I agree with Melody Doo and that this post reads like a psalm. David was a man after God’s own heart not because he was amazingly strong for God but because he allowed God to teach mold and grow him through his experiences. The way you cherish every second with Jaxton is something many people will always wish they had done. I have never met Josh in person just spoken with him over the phone but let me tell you that since you trusted his leading from God to go to Indiana, you have an amazing man in tune with God’s leading and desires. I will leave you with this verse that has become mine and Erin’s marriage verse after she learned it was my life verse, Psalm 37:4: Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. this post proves you are delighting in Him, true it’s with raw pleading emotion, but remember Christ did the same thing when He was about to be crucified and asked if “this cup could be removed from me” He wanted an out and God’s strength to take over. You do too and that is EXACTLY what you should be doing. Delight yourself on Him and He WILL give you your hearts desires not exactly how we want it but how we need it to be. We are praying for you!!!

    By His Strength Alone!
    Tim Long

    Reply

  9. Posted by Rhonda K. Fields on November 15, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Dear Lisa,
    I know that you don’t know who I am. I attend church with Joyce and Bill and my kids go to school where Joyce works. Joyce has always loved talking to our family about your husband because my oldest son, Tyler, is attending college and Indiana Wesleyan. He would like to become a Youth Pastor. Our second son, Seth is a HUGE Notre Dame fan, Bill took Seth to his very first game at the stadium, it was very special to Seth and a time he will never forget. Anyway I have been married to Tom for 22 years and we have four sons. Tyler is now 19, Seth 17, Ryan 15, and Justin 13. They are wonderful boys and have been a joy to raise.
    I want to share sometime with you. It’s something that I don’t usually talk about with a lot of people but in reading your blog I felt that I should with you. I lost two babies between Ryan and Justin. I couldn’t understand it at the time. My three pregnancies had been so healthy and so easy. I didn’t understand why…. WHY? The first miscarriage was like an empty sack, and I don’t mean to sound cold or shallow but it was more like a disappointment than a heartbreak. I didn’t really even have time to adjust to being pregnant and then I wasn’t. The second one, I saw the ultrasound, my baby moving, kicking, little hands waving, and the most important, precious thing…. the heartbeat. Weeks later when they told me that my baby had died I didn’t want to believe them, I wanted a second opinion. It was on a Friday that I was given the news and I was told that if I wanted a second opinion that I would need to wait until Monday, I didn’t care. I believed with all my heart that they were wrong, I wanted them to be wrong. When I went to bed that night I had a dream. I dreamt that I was in the doctor’s office, When I got up out of the chair, left behind was the tiniest little baby boy that I had ever seen, it was my baby. He was hooked up to all kinds of wires and monitors, things that were breathing for him. I don’t know why but they were calling him, “Baby M.” I was holding him against my cheek, knowing that they were about to disconnest the wires and contraptions that were breating for him. I whispered in his ear how much I loved him and that if he would just breath and just live that I promised I would love him so much his whole life. Then he breathed a deep breath and stopped. When I woke up I knew in my heart that I would never have the opportunity to raise the child I had so many hopes and dreams for, It was so heartbreaking. It was a very hard time for me because I felt like it was a death I grieved for alone. To everyone else I felt like my baby was something I went to the hospital and had “taken care of” so I should be ok, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I wasn’t ok for a long time. I’m still not “ok” about it, it’s a hurt, and ache that I will carry with me for life. I know that I was pregnant six times but I only have four earthly sons.
    I’m in no way trying to compare what went through to what you are going through now. I just know that I felt a little better after someone I knew shared a similar experience with me. I didn’t feel so alone, not as crazy as I had before. I know that your emotions and hormones are a mess, people try to help but they don’t know what to say, you wish they wouldn’t say anything. I hope in some way I can bring you a little comfort, send a little love your way.
    I am so glad that you are much further in your walk during this time than I was when I went through my loss. I know that God has a special plan for all of his children, even Jaxton. Even if Jaxton doesn’t live an earthly life I hope that you are filled with a peace and joy knowing that he has filled a purpose. I know how much you love him, it’s so evident. God can heal Jaxton, it’s so hard for us to accept that the ultimate healing is heaven because we, as humans want our loved ones here with us. I understand that completely. There is a very special book that a friend shared with me called, I’ll Hold You In Heaven. I will try to get it and send it to you through Joyce. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.
    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know that you want to be able to hold Jaxton, to love him. I wish that for you and that will be my prayer for you. One thing I didn’t tell you…. I wasn’t supposed to have Justin, our last son. I was on a very strong birth control since I had the two miscarriages back to back. They felt it would be safer for me to wait a while. Tom didn’t even want to try again, he was too afraid. He’s my “happily ever after!” God’s plan is so much better than ours could ever be.
    His ways are not our ways.

    May he bless and keep you,
    Rhonda

    Reply

  10. I haven’t officially met you yet but I just met your husband this past week for coffee. He told me briefly what you guys are going through and then my wife and I spent some time reading your story here on your blog.

    Our hearts and prayers go out to both of you. We’ve not experienced something as difficult as what you’re going through now but we did lose our middle child to a miscarriage at about 9 weeks. It was such an difficult and emotionally draining experience.

    We found that during difficult times like that we didn’t need people giving us more scriptures we already knew about God’s perfect plan (not that I’m discounting that at all). We had read and preached those verses so many times but living it out is entirely more challenging. I guess what I’m saying is that it’s ok to not have yourself all pulled together. It’s ok to write posts like this and pour out your heart and frustrations to God.

    Like I said, we don’t know you yet but we are praying for you. And we’ll continue to remember you in our prayers during this whole process.

    Reply

  11. Posted by David Mildren on November 20, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Dear Lisa,

    Praying for you. Your post was truth, pain hurts, I feel you on that.

    Dave Mildren

    Reply

  12. Posted by Julie on November 22, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Lisa, I just watched the utube video and I am bawling. My kids are trying to understand why I am so sad. I tried to explain in simple terms what you are going through. My oldest son Ethan (will be 6 next month) said to me, “Mommy, I know it’s sad, but the baby will get to be with Jesus!!” That is the only joy I see in this, but I know God is using Jaxton for His glory through all of this. What an amazing mommy you are to document everything and be so open. God is sure to use your journey and your faith to reach out to others who don’t have the hope you have in Christ. I am so proud to know you. We are praying for your family and sweet baby Jaxton. As a mother, my heart aches for you in ways I can’t even express with words. I praise God you and Josh are believers and I know you will find your strength in the Lord…may His grace greatly abound in you!!!

    Praying,
    Julie <

    Reply

  13. Posted by Irene on March 30, 2011 at 3:46 am

    Dear Lisa,

    Your prayer is very touching, I can’t control and hold back my tears as I reading this whole blog. I really admire you. Thank you for this sharing. We have same story, I am 8months pregnant and during my ultrasound the OB/Sonologist found out that my baby has a bilateral cleft lip /palate. I am praying fervently to GOD each and everyday and asking for HIS miracle. He is the only One who can heal my baby. I will also pray for Jaxton and for your family. To all who had a chance this comment of mine, I am too asking for your gracious help, just a prayer for my baby, for GOD’s miracle. Thank you. Love you, Lisa. GOD bless you

    Praying,

    Irene

    Reply

  14. Posted by Irene on March 30, 2011 at 3:47 am

    Dear Lisa,

    Your prayer is very touching, I can’t control and hold back my tears as I reading this whole blog. I really admire you. Thank you for this sharing. We have same story, I am 8months pregnant and during my ultrasound the OB/Sonologist found out that my baby has a bilateral cleft lip /palate. I am praying fervently to GOD each and everyday and asking for HIS miracle. He is the only One who can heal my baby. I will also pray for Jaxton and for your family. To all who had a chance to read this comment of mine, I am too asking for your gracious help, just a prayer for my baby, for GOD’s miracle. Thank you. Love you, Lisa. GOD bless you

    Praying,

    Irene

    Reply

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