Lisa asked me to make a guest post on her blog. I feel honored. I know thousands of you read her story from around the world. She would like me to bare my soul for you on what it’s been like for me during the pregnancy and everything we’ve been through. I’ll be honest, that’s not something I’m really comfortable doing. She’s much more comfortable posting personal and emotional experiences online than I am, but this will be my attempt.
I’ll never forget sitting in the 4D ultrasound room and seeing the round mass protruding from Jaxton’s stomach. We now know that is an Omphalocele and is the lack of an abdominal wall likely caused by Trisomy 13. I was instantly in shock and had that dad sense that something was wrong.
I went home and Googled as much info as I could from what I saw in the picture, called doctor friends, and did my best to do a self-diagnosis. I read somewhere that this could be a sign of a genetic chromosome disease and forced myself to warn Lisa before we went to the doctor.
Hearing from the doctor that it was our worst nightmare was an experience like few in life. It was so surreal. I sat there listening to the doctor trying to figure out how we were going to fix it. But there is no human way of fixing it. The likely problem was his DNA. The doctors couldn’t change that.
This began the early stages of wrestling with faith and God’s healing. I knew God could heal, but could I expect God to heal Jaxton. I decided, yes I could, but what if I was wrong? Well then I’d be devastated because I really knew God could and wanted to heal Jaxton. It led me to realize I did believe and expect that God was in fact going to heal our son. Since coming to this conclusion I have rarely wavered. Doubts and thoughts have definitely crept in, but there was never a lack of assurance that God was in control and that Jaxton would be healed. The struggle was more of when, how, and to what extent would he be healed.
I think the most difficult part of this whole experience has been trying to understand how to console and talk with Lisa. She has admittedly been a roller coaster of emotions since September. The pregnancy experience is never the same for the husband in “normal” circumstances, but in this case it’s often been extremely hard for me to relate to what Lisa’s been going through. Our first son, Jake, was never that real to me until he was born. He wasn’t living in my stomach. When I picked up Jake for the first time I was like, “Man, this is real….and I’m supposed to take care of him?”
Jaxton has become more real because of the abundance of ultrasounds and doctors meetings, but it still isn’t the same as what Lisa has experienced. It honestly leaves me frustrated at times. It’s obviously heartless to expect Lisa not to be emotional, but at times I haven’t fully grasped what she’s experiencing. To me, we know what the doctors have said and we know the God we serve. No amount of crying or anger or depression is going to change Jaxton, only God will. Acting like he’s dead when he’s alive doesn’t make sense. Worrying about what “might” happen seems pointless. I mean I’m not a robot, but I definitely see no point in panicking about things that are completely out of our control.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that sometimes in life the best thing we can do is give up control. (I posted about this last week on my blog) Especially, when the only solution is God. We spend so much of our lives WASTING our time trying to control and manipulate our lives and our family’s life, instead of putting ourselves in places where God can most use us. Between starting a new church and having a sick son I’ve finally just said, “Here you go God…all Yours.” It’s been amazing how freeing that is! I’ve experienced God working more in the past 6 months than YEARS of my life previously. I’ve also felt more at peace and fulfilled.
This past week we found out Jaxton has a hole in his heart (another sign of Trisomy 13). We’ve prayed and fasted and nothing has changed, yet my resolve that God is real and is doing a miracle healing in Jaxton’s life hasn’t changed either. It seems like every time we go to the doctor or hospital it’s more bad news. It really could be extremely discouraging and it no doubt makes me question, but I can say with certainty I gave COMPLETE control to God and I can’t wait to hold my healed and healthy son soon!
- Josh Husmann