For all the people who say I am “STRONG”, that they could NEVER go through something like this: I didn’t have a choice. This was the story I was given to live out. You just have to keep living. And even the days when I wished I didn’t wake up… I still did because it’s not my strength or timing it’s HIS. His plan was for us to share our journey with you.
“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
I have heard that Christ will never give you more than you can handle.
What in God’s right mind makes him think I am strong enough to loose my child? That makes me feel so insensitive and inhumane to think that my heart and feelings are able to handle such a loss. He must have me confused with someone else. Perhaps a teenager who accidently got pregnant, a woman who didn’t want anymore kids, a lady who tied her tubes and was not supposed to be able to get pregnant. Then I could see how this wouldn’t be as hard on them. But we prayed and have fought for this child.
Thursday Jaxton breathed on his own for an hour which was great, but when they took blood gas tests afterwards his Co2 level was REALLY high. His brain does not tell his body to exhale enough Co2 and turns into a toxin in his body. This means he will never live life off the ventilator. We are going to do another of this same test on monday just to make sure, but the doctors have already asked us many times to plan for next steps if he can not do it. I have been crying all day at the fact that now instead of being joyous about how many days he is here – I am so consumed in sadness for Monday to come.
I look over and see the bag for all his “souvenirs” that im going to take home instead of my baby. Things like 1st pacifier, lock of hair and footprint will never replace the smell of his head, the touch of his skin, holding his fingers, waiting for him to wake up to see his eyes and not ever hearing the sound of his first cry. I feel robbed. I can’t help but think that I am pumping and storing milk that he may never eat. I look at him and cry. My emotions are getting a hold of me and my heart is literally breaking. When I hold him I am in heaven, but just the act of handing him over to his nurses to lay him down makes me imagine what it will be like to hand his lifeless body over for the last time. I’M NOT READY TO LET GO. I’m starting to feel selfish for fighting for him and wanting him here when I see how painful it is for his IV’s to go in, his lungs to be suctioned out, to have tubes down his throat.
I’m not giving up on him. I guess you could say I am preparing my heart for what might happen, but how do you prepare for watching your child die in your arms. To never be able to hold them again. To have to wait to my own death to see him again. How do you prepare for your life to crumble in an instant?
I have suddenly grown resentful at times when I hear how he is changing peoples lives and become bitter at the sacrifice Jaxton is going through to draw people closer to God. I am certainly torn between keeping my son and giving him to God for his glory. My family and Jaxton are suffering in order for people to realize the sacrifice God gave his very own son so that they can have eternal life with him. Unfortunately, at this moment it doesn’t make it any easier to think every one is being blessed but me – I want my child! I would do anything for him. Sorry for the honest truth about where my heart is right now. It’s not anyone’s fault, but my own discouragement. My prayer is that God helps me with my disbelieve.
The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me… [in] my unbelief!”
Mark 9:24 (NLT)
We are asking for prayers for Monday:
* His brain to tell his body to exhale all the Co2 that he is supposed to and also tell his Sodium and temperature to be balanced. If he doesn’t do this we have to make the decision about when to pull his life support. Obviously, we are PRAYING so hard for Jaxton’s miracle.
Song: Held Song: By Natalie Grant
“How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held”