{another milestone} 1 year ago he met Jesus

It’s been a year.    Can you believe it?    A whole year.    365 days.    {sigh}

So much has changed since March 9th 2011. This is the date I consider Jaxton’s Heavenly Birthday. This was the day one year ago he got to meet the Lord, his creator, the alpha and omega… The one who formed him and knew him before he was born.  WOW!

I can still eerily remember most all the events of that day. I can most clearly remember thinking let’s do it at 7:35pm and not a minute later. I wondered why would we put off seeing a miracle that I thought God had in store for us. I remember Bruce pulling the tube out and instantly he started turning gray, looking bad and I knew this was not going to end in my favor. I remember keeping my fingers on his heart and feeling his pulse get slower and slower and even more faint. We told him how much we loved him and that he was perfect… I remember the last number the doctor said was 40 then the next time she checked she gently said “I’m so sorry. Time of death 8:05″. Even after time of death was announced I cried out to God “you can still do this! save him!” I remember this is the first time I had EVER seen Josh cry or have since. I remember realizing how beautiful he was because I could FINALLY see his face after all the tape was taken off. I held him and swayed with him. I layed with him on the bed. I took all the pictures and videos I needed to because I knew this was going to be my last chance and I didn’t want to forget any part of him. Then as I felt his skin turn cold, his face with loss of color and the limpness of his body I KNEW AND ACCEPTED HE WAS GONE. I kissed him over and over and cried and wrapped him up in his bed. As Josh and I were leaving it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t continue walking out of his room. Josh knew exactly what was wrong and said ” I think she is having a hard time thinking we are just going to leave him there by himself.” Then Wendy his nurse offered to hold him and personally take care of him. I’m so thankful that she offered to do that so that we could leave guilt free knowing he was taken care of and in good hands. I remember shaking and trembling in the elevator ride down.

As the pieces of life crumbled around me it took a while to pick them up. Josh was my strength, my support and picked up all the slack where I had just let things go.

Life is different now and sometimes I wonder what chaos my house would be like if he were here. I wonder what his cry would have sounded like. How would Jake handle everything… It just makes you wonder.

So many friendships had formed from all the circumstances like with my good friend whom I love so much  Aimee Loeser who lost Charlotte Jean just before I lost Jaxton and was/is a HUGE support for me. I pray whole heartedly she will be pregnant soon. And our dear friends Jen & Andy Kaler who lost Leah Faith are now living just minutes away from us and are a huge part of Mercy Road. My friend Kari Bundy who lost her son Mason to SIDS and had a service for him the day before Jaxton’s burial. She has done wonderful work in Indy for families called Mason’s Cause. Melba and Shawn Reidy who lost Avary to Trisomy 9. Karie Wong who lost Valerie to Trisomy 13. Trent & Krissi Spangler who used Jaxton’s NICU room for 101 days while Gabriel fought for his life at 26 weeks. Marsha Patick who was my mentor through it all who lost Sawyer years ago before being blessed by her son Sterling. Erin Buente who lost her son Christian to Potters Syndrome. Shari & Wendy, Dr. Star and Dr. Edwards and all his NICU friends including Bruce his RT. Jet Kaiser for filming his precious moments and Jessie Johnston for photographing everything from maternity to birth to days after. Amy Nell for letting us see him over and over in the 3D/4D… and so many more….

Thank you all for the support you have given our family this last year. Thank you for caring enough to share your thoughts, feelings and stories with us. 

So our next chapter in life is praying for this baby girl who will join our family in June.

Much Love, from our family to yours!

Update: Our little Babushka … ♀

Surprise… 

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it!!!

❀ GIRL ❀ 

I had felt from the beginning this baby was a girl so as I mentioned in the last post when at 18 weeks BLUE balloons popped out I WAS SHOCKED!!!

The Ultrasound Technician said she was 95% positive it was a Boy and even double checked it. So my joke to my best friend Michelle was that “there was still a 5% chance it was a girl!  I was even so confident to have told Jessie our Photographer/Friend/Balloon box maker (who has 3 precious little girls) that I was going to have to need some of her girls hand me downs before the reveal!

At 20 weeks our Dr. and his ultrasound technician thought it was a girl. So these past couple weeks we have been in limbo waiting for a confirmation.

Today at 23 weeks it was confirmed by Jessie’s sister Jenna Kinsley that it’s

Momma’s intuition was right! We are thrilled to welcome a girl and to know she is healthy is such a blessing. I have to admit that if if was a boy it may have been at least a little bit slightly harder having a boy right after Jaxton. That is my own personal feelings and I’m sure it would not have taken me long to over come that emotional hurdle. The Lord is Good and he provides.

Originally I had never pictured myself with a girl in our family other than me. I wanted to be the only girl. A house full of boys and me. Sounds selfish and ridiculous I know. I just feel like i’m more of a guys kinda girl.

I have struggled with thinking this girl is going to turn out like me (defiant, sassy, strong willed and moody). Which scares me to death!!! Although Jake  already has those traits I feel like I can handle them with a boy. In addition, on a personal note, because my mom and I don’t have a great relationship by any stretch of the imagination it scares me that me and my daughter will have an equally strained dynamic. But the more I think about how she will be born into a Happy Marriage with Christian morals, have an older brother and an angel brother as her guardian our circumstance is already worlds different.

Father God, Thank you for our precious daughter who is being knit in my womb with your wonderful creative hand. Thank you for masterfully putting each part together and skillfully making each organ work properly. Thank you for LOVING her before we even know her.

I pray for the love that we are so excited to give her to fully be received and reciprocated. We pray that we are a blessing in each others lives.  I want to pray for Josh and I to raise her by our example of Integrity, Loyalty, Faith, Trust and Unconditional Love. I want to pray for her body to be pure and holy until the day of marriage. May her husband also keep his mind and body pure. I pray he sees her as the Proverbs 31 woman and cherishes her far above rubies and that her children respect and honor her. May she effect this world greatly for your kingdom and know a love for you greater than any other. I pray for her protection and that she listens to wisdom. May you bless her and have favor on her life even now.

Help my children to live lives that are always overflowing with thankfulness, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Col. 2:7, Ephesians 5:20) (31 days of prayer for your children)

Yawning.

23 week bump

* * * No such thing as a “Normal Pregnancy” for the Husmann’s! * * *

My Pinterest Page for Little Girl.

OK… time to send me some hand me downs!!!  :)  LOL!

Love, Lisa

Special Announcement…

Josh voted BOY.                  Lisa voted GIRL.

I was so nervous! The anticipation had been building for 4 days! My best friend Michelle and I went to an ultrasound on January 17th to have the lady put the gender on a piece of paper. She then gave the envelope with the gender to Michelle. Michelle didn’t open it until I was on the plane ride home to Indiana! Then she called a friend here in Indy to get the box and balloons ready for the reveal. Josh and I both originally thought it was a girl. Then slowly over time he changed to BOY.

I was DEAD SET it was a GIRL! I was so convinced that it was a girl I wondered how I would be able to breath if blue balloons popped out!

Well, I am slowly recovering from shock! The lack of pink balloons lingering in my house is haunting.  LOL  ;)

18 weeks now and feeling great!

{Much Love} from our family to yours!

Lisa, Josh, Jacob, (Jaxton) & Baby #3 Husmann

Jaxton’s message.

What would you do if you followed God and lost your son in the process? – JAXTON’S STORY – 10/2/11

I’ve always been proud of my husband, but I am really blown away by him when I hear this message. This is the message he was born to give.

God, thank you for using Jaxton to teach us this message. We have learned more about your grace, love and peace through this than any other life situation.

Thank you for choosing us.

 

How i remember it…

One year ago today, I was told my baby boy was going to die.

This is how the story begins.

September 29th at 9:30 am we were at the 3D/4D ultrasound when we saw a mysterious growth on my baby’s tummy. The technician said she hadn’t ever seen anything like it and I should call my doctor. For some reason I gave it some thought but not a whole lot – call me naïve. I made an appointment with a doctor the next morning and I looked up what I could on google (not finding much about “mass/cyst on stomach”). Josh on the other hand spent the day into night researching and calling his Dr. friends to get answers.

The next morning, Sept 30, 2010, we got up and made our way to the car. While driving he said, “hey Lis, I just want you to know what the doctor says might not be good news. He may even say Jaxton has Downs syndrome and I want you to be prepared for that.” I nodded my head with out saying a word at first. For a while I’m stuck in my head. Thoughts racing around slowly and quickly at the same time. I had not thought about Downs or anything serious. It was a quiet car ride.

We arrive to the doctors office and have an ultrasound technician check the baby for quite some time. Most women would say it felt like eternity and that the nurse would not say anything to them about the circumstance. I remember it differently. I intently was looking at the monitor along with her. I was conversational saying “see, there… that’s what we saw on the 3D/4D ultrasound.” She couldn’t give me any specifics, but she did tell me she felt for me and reassured me that Our God is a good God.

The next thing I remember was sitting in the cold stark examination room. Nothing fancy just the stirrup bed that I was sitting on the edge of and 2 chairs. Josh was sitting on my left just far enough behind me that I’d have to turn to see him. The doctor was in front of us sitting in the other chair. Not an overly friendly or comforting person to say the least. White coat. Salt & Pepper hair. Glasses. Then his words started to come. “Sometimes there are times when a woman carries a baby and while all the cells are forming something just does not go right. With your baby we see some markers that suggest a chromosome disorder. I’m sure you’ve heard of Downs syndrome which is Trisomy 21. With the all issues your baby has I think we can rule out Downs syndrome. It looks to me like either Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18. Both of these are incompatible with life.” (paraphrased)

To say I sat quiet and perplexed would be an understatement. {What? There is something worse than Downs? My baby is going to DIE?!?!} I turn and look at Josh and reach for his hand.

I was feeling warm and heavy inside trying my best to hold in my fountain of tears. The amount of my confusion and shock was somewhat keeping them from dripping, but with one good blink I was a sobbing mess. I used my sweater to wipe my eyes and my running nose.

Then it continued… “With a baby that is incompatible with life we don’t know when it is going to die. Most pass before birth but I’m not telling you to expect that you have that long. It could be today or a week from now or months. There’s just no telling. There are options for families in your case. (Abortion) If the baby does survive he will be severely handicapped with out the ability to sit up, breath, eat or communicate on his own for as long as he lives. You have another son, right? Take into consideration what the quality of his life will be if you are taking care of this one all day long.”

I stopped him abruptly and said, “Abortion is not an option. God gave us this baby and we will NOT end his life.”

The next thing I remember is exiting the office and walking down the corridor with my face in Josh’s chest crying. We get on the elevator to see a mother with her teenage boy who obviously had Downs syndrome. I try to pull myself together and give him the sweetest smile I could muster up. I immediately start thinking about telling him that his mom thinks the world of him and that he is very special and loved, but i don’t. He starts asking, “mom why is she crying?” (Over and over and over) I think I said, “I’m ok.” just to ease his concern. {or at least I did in my mind.}

Just moments ago we were told Jaxton was inevitably going to die. Now here is this sweet, innocent Downs boy that I wished I could have. I think about Jaxton {I would have committed my life to taking care and loving him. That option was off the table and now I couldn’t choose it even if I wanted to.}

We get in the car and I let no holds barred with the crying. My life was irrevocably forever changed. So many questions, so much confusion, my world was spinning out of control and there was nothing I could do but weep from the depths of my soul til it physically caused me pain.

My thoughts about God you ask???  My honest and truthful answer is… I wondered if I was being punished for all the bad things I had done in my past! I was mentally crucifying myself for causing this outcome on Jaxton’s life. (obviously, if you have read my blog at all I pretty quickly changed my tune on that.) It was a bad day to say the least.

As for my dear hubby: Josh put the family first and cancelled a speaking obligation in Nebraska and took a few days off to be with the family. What a loving guy i’ve got.

So that was my day 1 year ago today.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Jaxton,

I have learned: If we take the distraction of our fantasy out of the way we can see God’s plan so much clearer. I came to terms with your life and what it has meant and now I can see God’s plan and blessings so vividly.

I would not trade all the tears, all the sleepless nights, all my aching bones.

I would not trade my empty arms, the empty nursery or my empty heart.

I would not trade the hours lost, the smiles gone, or the memories missed.

I would not trade anything to have not had the opportunity to have you.

… But, oh what I would give to hold you again.

You are dearly missed son!

Mommy

// Jaxton’s Video

Thank You to Jet Kaiser Films for this video!

What more could I ask for than memories captured and a platform to tell about my son Jaxton’s amazingly abundant life?

Jet Kaiser took on the task of documenting our families story with Jaxton’s life.  And what a task it was. Jet, who normally does weddings and artsy videos, is know in the Indianapolis area as the “Rising Star” and “Bride’s Choice” 2 years in a row. He stretch his comfort zone and tackled the Delivery Zone  :) … So I’d like to be the first to welcome Jet into the “Welcome Baby – Delivery” section of videography! It was his first delivery EVER!!! (I wonder if this experience will push back any plans of having kids- I hope not because they would make the CUTEST kids ever!)

We have a tremendous amount of love, respect,and admiration for Jet and his beautiful wife Danielle. This couple is wonderful to their core!

I have not written since Jaxton passed on March 9th for a few reasons, but I do plan on writing again on the 4 month anniversary of His birthday in heaven – July 9th. It also happens to be the same day as my 30th birthday.

Thank you all who loved our family so very much and stayed informed through out our journey. I apologize for the absence. Please know when I write it’s purely from my heart and I don’t want to rush through.

Once again a *HUGE Thank You* to Jet & Dani Kaiser!

… and a special thanks to you for still caring!

Josh spoke at moment church about Jaxton’s life.

Much Love,

Lisa Husmann

// Our LOVE Story

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